Another Year Bites the Dust

I'm not sure I have ever been one to enjoy birthdays. Then again, I've never enjoyed being the center of attention. I recently had a birthday (I'm officially in my mid-twenties now), and it's the first one I can remember where I really did feel old. I suppose there are many reasons for that. I have been struggling some lately, trying to figure out what I'm doing in life. I am starting to get a few gray hairs (it unfortunately runs on my mother's side, so by the age of thirty I'll most likely be completely gray-haired). I still don't know what career to go into. Not for sure about that, anyhow. And it just seems like everyone I know is moving on in life, except for me. I feel sort of left behind. I feel old, but at the same time, I feel like some little lost kid, trying to find his way.

I wonder sometimes how Jesus felt about birthdays. I wonder if he ever celebrated them. I'm sure he probably did. But then I wonder how he felt, knowing that with each passing year of his life, he was moving ever closer to the day when he would have to lay down his life, and take upon himself the punishment for all the sins of the world. I wonder if birthdays were a dread for him. There again, I'm sure he put more trust in God, the father, than I do. He knew he'd be okay. I wonder about myself sometimes. I feel like I'm getting older, and I'm continuously going the wrong direction. No, not "wrong direction", but a different direction than what I'd wish or hope for. I wonder what my future has in store for me. Will I ever be at peace with myself? Will I ever be able to have male friends without eventually finding them attractive and letting that get in the way? Will I ever find a career? Will I ever have a family of my own? Will I ever write something really good? Will any of my hopes and dreams ever come true? Or am I to give up now on all of them? God only knows what's in store for me. I want to do God's will. I want to be whatever sort of man he wants me to be. But I find it so hard sometimes, and I find myself so frustrated with myself that I just can't hardly stand it. I wonder if I'm living my life God's way, and doing the things God would want for me to do. Or, in my confusion, or lack of listening to God, am I doing things my way instead.

Some people seem to always be happy about their birthdays. Anymore, I see them as just another day, just one more year gone by. Just one more year in which I still haven't found my way. I wonder if that will ever change. I hope it will. I hope.