Sometimes I look back and wish I could change so many things about my past. I wish I had done a lot of things differently. With school having started back, I've been thinking about my own time in school. In particular, when I was in high school. I was talking with my brother the other day about how much I loved middle school, but then how much I hated high school. He told me, "Well, I was looking through one of your yearbooks a few weeks ago. You looked weird back then. The way you dressed and brushed your hair, and your glasses. You just looked weird. It's no wonder people treated you different."
I then responded, "It shouldn't have mattered how I looked back then. People ought to not base how they treat you by your looks."
He then countered, "But that's not how things are."
"I know that," I reluctantly muttered.
I was weird back then. I looked weird, I acted weird, and I certainly felt weird. I didn't know how to relate to other guys. Especially the older guys. I was quiet a lot of times, and pretty much kept to myself. I didn't get involved in any school activities, or hang out with anyone. What few friends I did have were girls, and in hindsight, I wonder how much they ever truly knew me. Did they know me at all? I really do wonder about that sometimes, because I don't think they could have. I never let anyone get close to me back then. The moment I thought anyone was getting close to me, I'd usually just push them away. I would ignore or avoid them in order to weaken the friendship. Funny, because now I wish I could make friends. Perhaps the reason I'm having trouble with that now is because of how I acted in high school. Maybe I pushed away too many.
I wish I'd known how to be friends with other guys back then. I wish I'd known how to dress like them and look more like them. I wish I'd known how to fit in more. Thing is, I didn't know. I had no teacher. I've always had to teach myself on a lot of things. I wish I knew more about cars, and tools, and things of that nature. I tried to get my dad to show me how to change the oil in my car several different times back this last winter, and I never could get him to show me. I still haven't learned that one. The car just gets took to the shop. But there's just so many other things like that. I couldn't get anyone to teach me. And I've rarely felt comfortable enough to ask anyone to do that.
Why can't I figure out some of these things? Why can't I get Dad to show me anything, or to spend more time with me? Why can't I be more like other guys? Thing is, in the last couple of years, I've found that I'm not as different as I used to think I was, but I know I'm still different. I still feel different, or weird sometimes. I look back to my time in school, and I wish so desperately I could go back and do things differently. I wish I'd been treated differently. Why couldn't at least one of those older guys befriended me, or at least tried? Why wouldn't anyone reach out to me back then? Why did I always have to be so alone?