Saturday, August 18, 2007


Sometimes I get to thinking too much. I think about all the things I've done in the past, all the things that's going on now in the present, and all the things I'd like to see happen in the future. I seem to think about everything. My mind wanders and I think about so much that it just overwhelms me sometimes. I worry. I stress out. I get depressed and guilt ridden sometimes. I become afraid, and sometimes even panicked.

Earlier today I began thinking about something I did a long time ago. I did something, which I've tried for a long time now to block out and forget. As I was driving out town earlier, and thinking, I was suddenly reminded of what that was. And I thought about that. It didn't take much to make me want to start vomiting. I very nearly did. I just felt sick at my stomach and began thinking, how could you have done that?! Now, I'll admit that I'm talking about something of a sexual nature here. I was so young when I was with that other guy. Sad thing is, he was two years younger than me at the time. I think that makes it all the worse. I feel like I should have known better. But then again, looking back, I see just how stupid I really was about so many things. He did things I know he didn't want to do, and vice verse. I did certain things I didn't really want to do. We were both stupid. But does that justify anything? I don't know. Probably not. We still had choices and we both made the wrong ones.

Why can't I let go of the past? I know God forgives me for whatever I did. I've asked him to at least a thousand times, and I know he forgave me the very first time. So, why does this haunt me? I know why. It's because of this nagging feeling that if I'd only done things differently in the past, things would perhaps be so much better now, here in the present. I might have spared myself years of guilt and regret, and hating myself to the point of desperately wishing to end my life. I very nearly did once. No, I don't think I want to think about that right now.

And then I think of better things. I talked with my counselor the other day, and he said something that really has stuck with me. He said, "I don't think of you as being gay at all. And neither does God. You're not gay. You're a heterosexual male who just happens to struggle with homosexual feelings, but that's not who you are." When he told me this, I felt so good. It felt good that he didn't judge me. It felt good that he would try to see me as God sees me, even knowing all the horrible things I've told him I've done. He hasn't judged me, and that's so wonderful to know. But it's a little baffling as well. He knows I've done all these gay things and everything else, but he refuses to think of me that way. God bless him, because he's right. Just because I've done those things doesn't mean I should label myself as such and put that upon myself.

I think back to my childhood. Why wouldn't my dad spend more time with me? Why couldn't I have had more social involvement with other kids? Why couldn't I have done all those things all the other guys always talk about having done when they were little? Why did so much have to be the way it was?

Questions, questions, and questions upon questions. One thought after another. I feel sometimes like my mind is literally spinning in circles. I keep trying to figure things out and I suppose I'm simply analyzing everything half to death as well. And now I'm just rambling... my mind keeps wandering.


RikFleming said...

Rambling, yep... it is the first sign... that... YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND! It like back when I was a kid and we used to play "Kick the Cabbage" except we use to tie an onion around our belt because that was the style in those days. So then my friend Jimmy says, "Hey, how come avocados have such large pits" and then we all we out for ice cream, except we didn't call it "ice cream" we just ate it. So why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways and why do people live in apartments when they're so close together? But hey! That's better than eating an apple and finding a worm in it! Isn't it? Just more stuff to think about!

Seriously, I find calm God-glorifying music and prayer helps settle the mind. I especially like Fernando Ortega.

Love ya man!


Brandon said...

Yep, Rik, that's some mighty fine rambling if I do say so myself. You've got me beat. :)

God bless ya.