Sunday, October 28, 2007

Down and Out, Yet Again

I've felt sort of lost here of late.

Things at work are winding down, and I'm thankful for that. I'd got my hopes up last Friday when my boss called and said October 31st would be my last day. I was honestly ecstatic for nearly two whole hours. But then he had to call me again and say I'd still have another couple of weeks to go. I can use the extra money, but I'd rather have just been laid off. It's been a tough season. I've worked hard and I'm tired. And the crappy thing is that no one seems to appreciate any of the hard work I've done. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boss does not think I've done a good job, and that he doesn't want to rehire me next season. Apparently, I haven't done good enough. Well, if he doesn't recognize all the hard work and effort I've put forth, then screw him, I say! I just wish October 31st would be my last day, or today for that matter, just so I can get away and start over someplace else. So, work sucks right now and I'm feeling stuck.

And, yet again, I didn't go to church this week. I'll be working the next couple of Sundays, so I guess I won't be going then either. I just don't know whether or not I believe church is good anymore. I can't help but see church as a place where everybody has their own thoughts and opinions and where they want everyone else to think exactly the same way as them, and where there's judgment and ignorance and condemnation. It seems too political. It seems fake. It doesn't seem Christ-centered at all. Everyone is doing their assigned task or duty and there's no meaning or thought to any of it. It's all staged as a show of faith, rather than a genuine act of faith. I know I could go to another church, but in all honesty, all the other churches I've ever been to seem to be exactly the same. I know I'm being harsh of the church. I hate feeling that way. And I recognize that maybe my problem isn't with church, but with me. But then again, I can't help but feel like I'm not important at my church. I feel a little like an outcast. I miss a few Sundays and nobody ever calls to find out if I'm okay or what's going on. My preacher completely avoids me, even if I am at church. Other people get together and do things, but they never invite me. I feel like I don't matter to anyone else. And the problem I have is that, shouldn't ALL people feel like they matter in the house of the Lord? If that's true, then why don't I? Why do I feel as though I can only be close to the Lord on my own time--when I'm praying at night, listening to Christian music, or talking with non-believers about God, or writing about spiritual things?

Then there's also so many other things weighing me down so heavily. I can't honestly think of anything in my life right now that seems to be going in a postive direction. I'm tired all the time, I don't have time for anything, my relationships with everybody is strained to say the least. I don't honestly have very many close friends, and some of the ones who are close, I can't even see. One of my best friends I actually met online back last year around this time, and we've never even met face to face. I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get laid off from work. And I'm worried about a lot of people, especially certain family members. I'm stressed out all the time it feels like.

I don't mean to be so negative sounding about everything. I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways, but something just isn't feeling right with me. Nothing feels right right now. If anyone would care to pray for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off from work today and the next two days, so hopefully I'll have some time to catch up on a few things and everything will be in a better light soon. I am looking forward to Halloween, so maybe that'll cheer me up a bit. Don't know.

5 comments:

MR said...

Brandon,

I will be praying. Feel free to email me through my blog. It is clear that people have sinned against you by refusing to love their neighbor as Jesus commanded. Some are acting like your enemies. Here is what Jesus said for you to do:

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."
Luke 6:27-28 (ESV)

Think of those who have hurt you the most and pray for them. See if you can find ways to do good to them. Also, see if there is a friendship where God is at work and put effort into that friendship. Often that means being a friend to a very needy person. When you see others transformed by God's love shining through you it will be worth it all....

MR said...

Sorry, you can't find my email in my blog. You can email me at info@rustyshovelrecords.com

jennypo said...

I'll be praying, too. I know your feeling, at least a little. We just think, if only people would do what they are supposed to do, and treat us the way they are supposed to, I wouldn't be feeling this way...
But we need to take our hurts and loneliness from God, not from people. He is the one who has measured out our pain in his own hand, and he gives it to us so that we will be driven, again and again, to seek our comfort and our companionship in Him ALONE. Not easy. But only this way will we receive the kind of love we were made for.
Don't be too discouraged. Sing a little song to the Lord when the pain gets too much, and someday, he promises that we'll understand and thank him. He is kind.

Justin said...

Hi Brandon :)

I just wanted to say, hold on to the little things in life. Take joy in those things. One thing that I try to do when Im struggling to see anything positive in life is that when Im in bed at the end of the day I make myself think of 3 things that I was grateful for in the day. No matter how big or small I reckon we can find something. For me, seeing something as positive takes effort, seeing things as negative is sort of my default, its a definite battle sometimes to acknowledge the positive. It doesnt mean I have to lie to myself or be ignorant about difficult things it just means I try to be balanced with my thoughts and I've come to believe that being balanced is a more accurate picture of reality.

Take care bro

RikFleming said...

Brandon,

Maybe you need to listen to more country music. I'm not a fan of it myself, but there is a song that comes to my mind when my job stresses me out. It is by Johnny Paycheck called "Take This Job and Shove it."

If you want to leave your job and you want to be "let go." Why can't you just say, "Hasta la vista baby!"?

In regards to the church - I hear ya and I "feel your pain." Been there, done that.

But, how about going to church in faith and obedience regardless as to how you FEEL? How about going to GIVE rather than to have your felt needs met?

When I first show up at church, I just start hugging people. Some are weirded out by it, some are receptive. It doesn't matter. I'm there to give.

Tell ya what... you send me an e-mail and let me know where you live and let's see if I can find you a good church with a pastor I know near by. You'd be surprised at how well interconnected I am around the country.

Praying for ya all the time!

Rik