Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Under Pressure

The last few days I've really struggled with the idea of wanting a boyfriend. I've wanted to feel that sort of intimate closeness to another guy, and it's got me a little frustrated. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, but this is just one of those things that keeps bugging me. I suppose if I could just make a really close male friend, someone I could spend time with on a regular basis and hang out with, that I wouldn't feel such a huge desire such as this. I've noticed in the past that when I spend a lot of time with other guys, I'm not as prone to want to date or be sexually involved with another guy. But when there's a prolonged period of time I'm not around other guys, I begin to feel this way. Here lately, I've not been able to be around many other guys. And the desire for male closeness just seems to be consuming my every thought because of that.


This in turn has caused me to be tempted to look at pornography, create sexual fantasies, lust, to masturbate, and to even just finally give up this fight and go searching for a boyfriend. I'm tempted right now to do all those things, and yet I know if I did, I'd literally fall to pieces. I have never ever found any true happiness in pursuing any of those things or anything of a homosexual nature. Anytime I've went down that road I've found myself so utterly miserable and full of depression that life just didn't seem worth the living. There's a longing there that never gets met, and I always become disillusioned and guilt-ridden for having disobeyed God doing something I knew full and well wouldn't make me happy and I shouldn't do.


So, I've had all that to battle with recently.


As for today, my brothers girlfriend has decided it's her mission in life to set me up with this girl she knows, and she keeps bugging the everlasting life out of me to go out with her.


Okay, first off, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever for a girlfriend right now. Even if I found a girl I really did like, I still don't think I would want to go out with her. The entire heterosexual courtship absolutely does nothing for me at all. Not personally, that is. Holding hands with a girl, kissing a girl, talking on the phone with a girl, dating a girl in general, none of that appeals to me in the least little bit.


And so here I am, trying to politely say “no thanks” to my brother's annoying girlfriend, and the whole time thinking that if it were a guy she was trying to hook me up with, I might actually go for that. But on top of that, I don't want her knowing I struggle with my sexuality, so I feel like I'm constantly having to juggle about my disinterest to her friend without having to come across gay. I just wish she'd leave me alone and mind her own business. Furthermore, since my brother does know what I struggle with, I wish he'd actually come to my aid and tell her to back off. But that's my brother through and through. I'm sure it's never even entered his mind as to how uncomfortable all this is making me.


As if all that stuff wasn't bad enough, I had to listen to my dad try to explain homosexuality to my fourteen year old cousin tonight. She had heard in school some people say that homosexuality is something people are born with, and others say it was something people choose. So, she was asking my dad (who happens to be her church youth leader) about which it was. To my surprise, Dad actually said enough, in a somewhat humorous and fumbling about sort of way, that he believed it wasn't something a person was born with, at least not completely, but that he did feel a person had a choice in what they did in their lives. I was actually surprised, because he basically gave the answer I'd like to have given. He said, in a way, that homosexuals don't choose to be homosexuals, but they can choose what activities they engage in. As I was listening to my Dad speak (who still doesn't know that I'm gay), I was actually feeling some odd sort of excitement and relief, because I was finally able to figure out how he looked at all this. I feel like now, if I did tell him, he might actually be somewhat understanding and not jump to a bunch of conclusions. Heck, he even admitted to having watched some program about homosexuals not long back on television, where a group of men were discussing gay issues, and how he'd learned a few things from that. Overall, I'd have to say I feel better just finally being able to know where he stands on some of this. He was about the most non-vague tonight about this as I've ever heard him to be. So, that was a good thing, I think.


I do feel more encouraged to finally tell my parents. At least Dad. I'm still not so sure about Mom. I honestly just don't think she could take that sort of news right now. But with Dad, I'm sure he's had to have wondered about me before. I've never pursued any romantic relationships with any girls, and I'm sure that's had to have made him scratch his head a few times throughout the years.


All I know is that tonight, with the way I've been feeling, and with being pressured to go out with that girl, and the issue of homosexuality coming up, I just really felt like a time bomb getting ready to go off at any moment. I'm tired of keeping this secret. I just want everyone to know already. Maybe then, everyone will stop always trying to find me a girlfriend, and asking me questions about that, and I'll finally feel more comfortable just being myself around everybody. I know it's going to eventually come to a head anyway, so I'm really feeling like getting it over and done with, working through all the issues related to that now while I'm younger rather than older, and hopefully just getting all this behind me so I can move on a little. I just hope everything will turn out for the best.


Any thoughts?

5 comments:

MR said...

I will be praying. Do your best to find fellowship with straight Christian men. That has massively helped me and others who fight SSA. Read Randy's story about his friend Ryan
http://formerlygay.wordpress.com/2007/10/04/ryan/

I'm guessing your father would be supportive and TRY to be helpful, but don't deceive yourself, telling him will be painful. The results of being honest are worth it, though. Don't feel pressure to rush into this, take time and plan. If you do tell your father, definitely talk privately so other people's presence won't influence his reaction.

jennypo said...

Lost my job a while back and I have been discouraged with the humiliation of being jobless and to all appearances aimless. But God knows what we each long for. He knows us! He made us. He has a father's heart, and wants us to be fulfilled. He will give us the thing we deeply want, even if it feels rotten to us right now.

Take heart, friend. Remember how wide our God is. Ask him to fill all your longings, even if they are misguided. He knows the root, and it is pure because he put it in you - it's only the part we see that is twisted and wrong. When he satisfies us, he does it with the thing we deeply long for, however mixed-up that longing appears on the surface. I think a job would satisfy me, and you think a boyfriend would satisfy you, but deep down we know that those things wouldn't satisfy, and God knows that deep down, our desires aren't for those things at all.

I think your Dad sounds amazingly broad-minded for his generation. I'll be praying for you in case you do decide to tell him.

robertdt said...

Brandon:

This post is the first that I've read and I can identify with your situation though it was a long time ago when I was in your shoes.

My Dad was suspect to my SSA when I was a teen. He had heard a radio broadcast from Focus on the Family that got his attention. It forced him to face the facts.

His only son was feminine, uninterested in the opposite sex, completely disconnected to him, and overly connected to his wife (my Mom).

I'm willing to bet a dollar that your Dad recognizes your state of mind as mind did. The problem is he's too scared to do anything about it.

I came out to him (and my Mom) when I was dating my wife in college. I loved her and knew that I wanted to marry her, but I struggled with SSA constantly. I left my parents a lengthy letter which detailed my anguish right before I left for the weekend to see my girlfriend. When I returned on Sunday, I came close to having my first (and thankfully only) panic attack. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE VULNERABLE IN MY LIFE! They didn't know what to say, though they did offer to help.

My Dad paid for me to be counseled over the telephone by Dr. Joseph Nicholosi. I spoke with him weekly for a few months. It by all means wasn't a miracle cure, but if anything my suspicions were confirmed regarding the origin of my SSA. I discovered that it was something that I may have to struggle with for the remainder of my days, but it was possible to be a great husband and father despite my attractions.

That was over fifteen years ago and I can honestly say that he was right.

BTW: If you need a friend, I'll be one for you. I can empathize with your situation. As I've posted on Rik Fleming's blog, I know what it feels like to be lonely.

RikFleming said...

Brandon

Do you really think you want a boyfriend? Or is “this” really about “that”?

So often such desires are really not about wanting a boyfriend per se, but wanting something or someone to fill a void that we perceive in ourselves. Because of our sinful natures we tend to want to put a person or a thing in the place where only Jesus Christ belongs. It is like the woman at the well (John chapter 4) wanting another husband, and another and another....

But Jesus makes it clear it is only He that can truly satisfy.

Now, I do believe that we need guys friends - comrades who will come along side us at all times. I have three such close friends but they know that I can be emotionally “needy” at times and that giving in to the “neediness” is not good for me. So, they are trying to help me grow out of this. This is an area in my life where I need to grow up and it can be somewhat painful to do so. But I am getting there.

In regards to telling your parents, I don’t know them or what your relationship with them is like so I can’t advise you there. I know if I told my parents (who are in the late 70’s) I’d need an ambulance standing by to rush them to the hospital. Their health is so weak and their minds are full of mush - they couldn’t handle it.

I pray for you all the time, that you will find a good church with a pastor who can truly shepherd you.

Love ya man!

Rik

Brandon said...

Thanks everybody for the comments. I really appreciate all your advice, encouragement, and prayers. I've needed them.

Rik, yes, I think "this" really is about "that". I've been thinking a lot about why I feel that desire for a boyfriend. I think it's not really that I want to be someone's boyfriend so much as it is that I want to feel loved by another guy and have someone I can spend time with. Thing is, I realize I can have that without making things sexual, or putting them into that sort of context. I don't need a boyfriend to have those things satisfied. And I think you're right that I need Jesus to feel the void in my life that I'm feeling. That's what I really need.

Oh, and Robert... speaking of panic attacks, I remember when I first told my preacher about me struggling with homosexuality. I was literally trembling all over (no joke) and I turned almost completely pale all over. I was so shaken up about it all that I got to a point where I couldn't even speak. It was awful! I guess that's one reason why I haven't already "come out" to my parents. I haven't wanted to relive that experience. But hopefully, neither you or me will have to experience that again anytime soon.

God bless you all.