Hi everyone. I suppose I should start things off by explaining the name of my blog. The last couple of years I have been on what I'd like to call a whirlwind journey. I've been on a journey of self-discovery, which began in May of 2005, when my brother told me, “I found what you have in your closet.” To which, I knew he'd found out my deepest, darkest secret. It was the secret I had hid from everyone in my life, that I had spent so much time covering up, lying and pretending, in order to keep. He knew I was gay.
I felt crushed, panicked, afraid, ashamed, humiliated, and angry all at the same time. How could my brother have invaded my privacy like that? How could he have gone behind my back like that? How could he presume to bring up something he had no right to bring up? What right did he have!? Who was he to “out” me like that?
Up until then, no one on this entire planet knew that I struggled with my sexuality. I had never come out to anyone. I had never hinted to anyone. I'd simply kept this struggle to myself. I'd bottled up years worth of feelings and emotions, and I'd thrown away the key to my heart. Very few people have ever truly gotten to know me. There are so many whom I've pushed away or distanced myself from throughout the years, just out of fear that they may suspect me of being gay. I'd learned never to open up to people.
After my brother found out I was gay (which I suppose I should explain the whole closet thing—no pun intended by that. I had a few recorded episodes of the show “Queer As Folk” locked in a two-drawer filing cabinet in my closet. My brother found the key to the lock, and the rest explains itself) I felt devastated. I'd already felt a lot of guilt about what limited homosexual activity I'd engaged in, and had already by that time, decided not to go looking for another relationship. Although I wasn't one-hundred percent opposed to the idea of some good-looking guy finding me and sweeping me off my feet. However, being a Christian, I knew that God's intent for me was not a life of homosexuality. I knew that the pornography I'd been looking at, the one homosexual relationship I had experienced, and all of it, wasn't right. I felt that in my heart as much as in my mind. As right as it seemed to be for me, it never felt right. I hope that makes sense. But I had never had the direction, the will power, or the understanding or support to be able to do anything about any of it. I had never heard anyone say, “You can change. You don't have to be that way. You don't have to give in to those things. You don't have to be gay if you don't want to be”.
Now I know some of you may take offense to the notion that “change is possible”, but I'm here to describe how my life has changed, not my sexuality (although we can discuss that later). In the last couple of years, I have been on this journey to change my life. And during that time, I've literally felt myself caught up in this sort of whirlwind journey of self-discovery. I am still on that great journey even today.
The purpose of this blog is to discuss my thoughts on all that I've learned the past couple of years, and am continuing to learn. But it is also to bring to light my struggles, feelings toward Christianity, and really, just to give people a place where they can talk about their own feelings. I want to welcome anyone who wants to post their comments on this blog to do so. If I've learned anything the last couple of years, it's that we need each other's help and encouragement. Let's support each other. I know I'm not the only celibate gay Christian out there. Feel free to drop me a line, and any prayer support is appreciated. Likewise, I'm willing to pray for any of you.
I am new to the whole blogger's world, so please forgive me if I ever break etiquette.