Sunday, August 3, 2008

Whatever, I'm Tired of Feeling

I try to be positive and to hide my pain, but in truth, I'm hurting. I've been hurting for a long time now, and in a certain way, I feel sort of numb. I don't feel good, but I try not to feel bad, so I just feel... whatever.

I'm not at all where I'd hoped to be at this stage of my life. I'm trying to get where I want to be—to get back on course—but just so much seems to be so wrong or so complicated. I don't even know where to begin, or if I even should. It just seems like for every step I take forward, I take two giant steps back.

Several of my hopes and dreams have went to the wayside. I don't have any hope for a family of my own anymore. That hope and that dream is practically gone completely. Being a realist, I just don't think it's a very realistic thing to expect anymore. It seems far too unlikely. Instead, I find myself wanting a boyfriend, and knowing I can't have one, and realizing that even if I did have one, I probably still wouldn't feel any better than I currently do. And it doesn't help me any to face the very real prospect that I may be alone the rest of my life.

I've been struggling with lust and pornography. It's like I can't see enough; like there's a longing within me that I just can't satisfy. And I know this has been brought on in large part due to my work environment. I can't escape seeing at least two or three good looking, near naked, guys each day. It's sort of inevitable. I see them and that longing builds within me. I look away but the feeling remains. I try to turn to Jesus but I feel ashamed, or guilty or whatever, and then I just feel lonely.

I've come to the conclusion I don't really want to be straight anymore. I don't want to be anything for that matter. If I could have things my way I wouldn't be attracted to anyone or have any feelings of sexual desire or arousal at all for anyone. It just seems like there would be a lot less headache if that were the case.

I've been so disappointed with my church lately. I've been heartbroken by the response given to my young friend who reached out for help there. He is gay and doesn't want to be. People who I've known my whole life have responded so terribly toward him. These are people who I've loved and cared about and who I've worshipped with for so many years now, and it's just torn me apart in my soul to see how they've responded. It's made me glad in one sense that I never have told more people than I have about my own struggles. I wonder if they'd treat me the same way if they knew.

There were so many things I wanted to help bring about at my church. I wanted to help create more programs, get more people involved, be able to reach out into the community more and bring people to God, but none of that seems to be happening. Maybe I'm being a little impatient. I feel like I'm constantly fighting against everyone else though. A lot of my ideas seem to be brushed off or ignored. I seriously wonder sometimes why I always feel so compelled to stay at this church. A lot of times I just feel like people are pretending to care about me. I get the feeling sometimes that if I just stopped going, I wouldn't be too sorely missed. That thought bothers me. I don't want to sound too down on my church though. There are a lot of good things happening there. I just get so frustrated so much of the time about certain things.

I've also been angry with a particular family problem lately. I won't get into the details of that too much here, but it involves my brother and his kids. Their mother doesn't want them, but my brother and family does and can't get them. Someone outside the family is getting them instead, and it just feels like these kids are being stolen away from us and by someone who rightfully shouldn't have a say in anything related to them. I feel so helpless to fix the turmoil this has caused my family. There's nothing I can do. I can't help the people I love. And this is crushing.

I'd hoped on being a published writer of something at least somewhat noteworthy by now. I have all these really good ideas, yet I never find time to write anymore. I'm too tired or too distracted to ever concentrate like I should. And what I have written hasn't amounted to anything. I couldn't even get members of my own family to read my book a few years ago. I find that dream is still alive, but the goal just seems to keep getting further and further away.

I'm gonna be going back to school, but I honestly don't know why. I really don't know what career I want to pursue. I think maybe I'm just going for the sake of going. Everyone expected me to finish school and get a degree. I think maybe I'm just trying to live up to expectations. I'd like to graduate from college. I just wish I was more certain about the purpose of my going. I'd like to think that what degree I get may be put to some use.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some of the people who I thought were my friends I've recently found out they've been working against me behind my back. Aside from that, I miss some of my other friends. I haven't heard from some of them in a while now. Maybe they've just been busy like me and haven't had time to write/visit/phone/whatever. And I wish I did have more free time myself for such things. I miss spending time with these friends. I haven't had much opportunity for that lately.

I just wish I could get some answers. I feel stressed and frustrated and so clueless about what I should be doing in my life or how to achieve some of the hopes and dreams I have, and it just seems like God isn't answering me. I want guidance, direction, some blueprint for how to get from this stage in my life to the next. I want hope. I want encouragement. I want somebody to just tell me to keep on hoping and to keep on believing that everything will work out as it should. That God will lead me to a better place. I wish someone would tell me they love me. I wish I could get some rest and be able to stop worrying.

I just wish things could be good for a while. I'm just so tired of all this. I know everyone must get so sick of my whining around. I'm sick of it myself. I'm just so sick of feeling this way.

14 comments:

Kevin said...

I've been having the same type of thoughts lately man. It will get better eventually it has to bro :) nothing lasts forever

Mikey said...

THINGS WILL GET BETTER!

I know you'd rather hear that from someone you know, love and trust, and it may be hard to believe at this moment, but it is the truth.

So, what is keeping you at your church? If it's history and family, those are tough tides to swim against, but eventually, you may have to. Are there alternatives? What would be the pros and cons of other churches?

Is there anyone you can talk to? Have you thought of finding a counselor? Many are sensitive to Christian values, even if they don't label themselves as a "Christian counselor." And any ethical one would not condemn you because of the same-sex attractions.

You might be able to find one at the school your planning on going back to. That school should also have a career counseling center that could help you with the "what to do with your life" question.

Know that if you look, there are resources out there--you do not have to go through this alone!

I'd be happy to talk to you more about this; if that would help, feel free to contact me through my blog email.

Jim Jordan said...

Brandon wrote: And what I have written hasn't amounted to anything. I couldn't even get members of my own family to read my book a few years ago. I find that dream is still alive, but the goal just seems to keep getting further and further away.


Hi Brandon,
I find your writing very engaging. The first thing I'd suggest is sending me a file of your most complete work and I can give you some feedback. I have been shopping my first book around the publishing community the last few weeks and, no, my family wasn't too helpful either.

I sent out feelers to friends in my wife and my email addressbooks and found some friends who read books regularly who were happy and willing to read mine. Their feedback was invaluable in helping me with my first rewrite. Family members aren't generally helpful because they are always reading you into the text. Your best critique is from someone who doesn't know you as well, and likes to read.

On your church, Mikey is correct, you clearly need to take a break. Try going to a different church two or three times a month.

For sharing the text file of your work, you can email it to me at jjordan@christian.com. I'll respond within a week on feedback. Take care.

Jay said...

I think everyone (and I mean everyone) has had this kind of funk before. It passes, trust me. If you need someone to talk to, I'm an e-mail away. I know it's not as good as real contact but it's close. :)

Take care, brother, and God bless you. There are downs in life but they don't last for too long. Trust me.

RikFleming said...

Brandon,

Just wait... things will get better as soon as Obama becomes the president because he is the savior - NOT!

Many of your feelings are common, I have been there many times- recently!

I have been free from porn for over a year but there are a lot of attractive guys at the gym - it can be tough sometimes. I stay out for the shower area.

Emotionally and psychologically, if you have been from (porn, drunkenness, drugs, the Democrat part, etc.) and you slide back into it the damage is such that you are back to square #1 and starting all over again. It is like when Oprah Winfrey loses weight and then gets fat again, which happens like every other week.

Read Psalm 42-43 and see if it sounds familiar. I preached on it a couple weeks ago, it was SO tough to do so!

In regards to that guy a church, tell him about my blog and that he should write me. If you can, just send him an anonymous note. I'd like to help him if I can.

Sincerely, I love ya man!

Rik

Brandon said...

Someone recently told me I'm too hard on myself. Maybe that's true. Rereading this post, I can sort of see that. I feel bad for feeling bad sometimes, I take personal responsibility for things I shouldn't, and I know I worry way too much. None of which are good.

Thanks everyone for lifting me up. I really can't thank you all enough. I can't tell you how much I needed some positive feedback.

Kevin, I hope those thoughts will pass for you too.

Mikey, about my church, it's history and family. I just know how much I need church. I've been able to find so much strength from my church before. I guess it's just that I enjoyed those rare times enough that I keep thinking upon them through the rough, and that keeps me from looking elsewhere. Last Sunday, for instance, was a really good service. I felt refreshed and was glad to be there. A lot of those relational issues or disagreements weren't even brought up. It was as if nothing ever was wrong. It's just that I know I've found good at my church. It's sort of hard to leave because of all of that.

About counseling, I do have a counselor who has helped me a great deal. I haven't really had a lot of opportunity to talk with him the last couple of months though. I may take your advice about looking up help from school though.

Jim, it's encouraging to know I'm not the only one having literary troubles. :) Thanks for the offer to be a critic. I may take you up on that soon. And about church, I have been thinking about trying out some other places. Maybe you're right and all I need is a break.

Jay, thank you for calling me brother. I'm reminded just how large a family I actually have in Christ. And I'm sure this time will pass. I hope it will.

Rik, those chapters from Psalms sound very familiar. I think I see now what you meant a few months back when you said if you gave into porn you'd feel like you were back to square one. I think I get it now. That's sort of how I've felt. I actually had that thought the other night, that I'm giving in now just as much as before I ever started trying not to. And I've wondered what was the point of my trying not to give in if I'm just going to go headfirst in that direction now. It doesn't make sense of me. As for the kid from church, I let him know that I struggle with the same things he does. I've been helping him the last few weeks. He just started the SCF course as well. I had thought about bringing up the blogs to him, but something just tells me to hold off on that for now.

Love you, too, big brother! :)

P said...

Brandon,

I don't know you, but can empathize with just about everything you said. I, too, have been in funks where I feel life is falling down around me and I cannot catch the pieces as they rain down. It sucks. But these times pass.

P

Brandon said...

Well, I'm not sure how or why it happened, but Rik, your comment and my comment to you and the rest in response has somehow been deleted.

In case you weren't able to read my comment, I'll just say again thanks to all of you. You've each given me something to think about, and seriously lifted my spirit.

If I can figure out what happened to my original response I'll try to repost it.

Again, thanks a bunch. All of you. :)

Brandon said...

Well, I'm not sure why, but my original two comments were somehow deleted. So, here goes again.

I just want to thank all of you for lifting my spirit. I really couldn't thank you all enough.

Kevin, I hope those thoughts pass for you as well.

Mikey, concerning my church, it's both family and history that keeps me there. Also, I know how much I need church. I know a lot of good things have come about at my church before. For me and for others. I think, even through the bad, thinking of that good is what draws me back there.

I do have a counselor, but I've not had a lot of opportunity to talk with him lately. Maybe I'll check in about a counselor from school.

Jim, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one having literary troubles. :) Thanks for the offer to be a critic. I may take you up on that soon. And about church, you may be right. Maybe I do just need a break. Maybe I'll visit a few other churches periodically just to mix things up a bit.

Jay, thank you for calling me brother. Reminds me I belong to a much larger family in Christ. And it's always good to communicate with a friend, in any forum. :)

Rik, those chapters from Psalms sound very familiar. I think I understand now what you were getting at back a few months ago when you said you felt if you gave into porn you'd feel like all the time you hadn't give in was wasted. Makes sense to me now, becuase that's sort of where I'm at, and I've been wondering why I tried so hard not to give in if I'm only going to give in now. Back to square one certainly sounds right. About the kid from church, I told him I struggle with the same things. I've been helping him the last month or so. He just started the SCF course also. I thought about telling him about the blogs, but something just sort of told me to hold off on that for now.

Love you too, big brother! :)

jennypo said...

Hi Brandon,

Wish I could give you a big hug.

Don't be afraid of feeling bad. Self has been ruling the roost for a LONG time - any decision to change that up for the Lord Jesus is bound to be a bitter war. But it's his war. You don't have to fight - you just have to accept feeling bad while he fights. And you can remember that no matter how bad it gets, sin ultimately feels worse.

At times like this, the church will let you down. Friends won't understand. You'll fail and let yourself down.

Cry to Jesus. Only he is enough.

jennypo said...

Hi Brandon,

Wish I could give you a big hug! Please remember that God doesn't ask you to be straight. He asks you to hand all that you are over to him. He doesn't ask us to fix up the old nature. He asks us to live a life ruled by the spirit.

Don't be afraid to feel bad. You feel bad for a reason. The government of Self in your life is being threatened. But Jesus will fight it for you - you just have to be willing to feel bad while he does. Don't forget that NOTHING feels worse than sin when it is finished.

At times like this, the church will fail you. Friends won't understand. You'll fail and let yourself down. But don't let yourself believe the lie that it's hopeless.

Cry to Jesus. Only he is enough.

Brandon said...

Thanks Jennypo. That's really comforting. :)

Devlin said...

Hi Brandon,

Your blog is really great and I sense your difficulties. I think you could gain alot through good counseling, but then I think eveyone on the planet could.

There is a process called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)that is the best thing I've experienced in the arena of good counseling. If you could find a counselor in your area (google) that uses it, you could be miles ahead in very short order, instead of the traditional talk therapy that has a 40% failure rate and can take forever with minimal results.

Best luck to you and I know you will prevail.

Best always,

Devlin

Brandon said...

Thanks for the advice, Devlin. I'll look into that.

Best to you, too.