Duck Dynasty (and Why This Country Needs Jesus)


Even though it has been on for a few seasons now, I didn't discover the show Duck Dynasty until sometime around this last spring.  I'd heard people talk about what a funny show it was, and tell me how much I ought to watch it.  But from the talk, I wasn't too awfully impressed; I just didn't think it would interest me any to see a bunch of southern rednecks and their shenanigans.

I wound up watching several episodes though as they came on after another show I was watching one night.  I decided to watch just to see what all the hoopla was about.

I can't remember which episode I watched first, but something that struck me was the ending.  The whole family gathered at a single table to eat, and said a prayer.  I remember feeling really warm and close to God in that moment.  And I loved seeing a REAL family come together like that and to offer thanks and praise to God.  That's just not something you'll find that much of on television these days.  But I liked it.  And the more episodes I watched, the more I liked the show, and the more I liked the Robertson family.

Since that time, I have continued to watch their show, and I have even read from some of their books.  They just recently put out a devotional book that is exceptionally good, if you are interested.  In all of it, though, I find God as a theme.  I see this family that has such a strong connection to God, who genuinely love God, and try to do right by Him.  I love seeing this.  And I know it has helped me in my own walk with God as well.

A few nights ago, my brother told me he'd come across a video of Phil Robertson (the patriarch of the family), preaching somewhere in California.  He showed me the video, and I was even further impressed.  Not at the man though, but by the fact that God could use someone like Phil Robertson to preach His word, and to do so much to help so many others.

I included that video above.  I'm not going to tell you what's in it.  I just want you to watch it.  He gives such a powerful sermon, and it seemed to me so completely relevant to our times/needs as a country.

I wonder if anyone would have ever guessed that a wild young boy, who gets married in his teens, drinks and rough houses for years, doesn't believe in God, treats his wife like crap, and neglects his children could have ever come so far in the Lord to become the man that he is today.  I like watching Duck Dynasty if for no other reason than to gain that reminder that through God, all things are possible.  Poor can become rich; atheists can become Godly, sinners can give up their sins, and so on.  What I like most, though, is seeing how a family can come together through anything, still in God, and still in love for each other.  Sorry to give it away, but that is pretty much how every episode ends.

I thank God for spreading His word through the Robertson family.  And I thank that family for being so willing to allow God to do so.

Unattached

My mom recently told me she thought I was holding myself back. She thought I was adding too many restrictions to myself—that I won’t do this thing for this reason or that thing for that reason, etc—and not taking enough risks. I know the reason she said this was mostly because she wants me to be able to find a better job and to have more opportunities to do things. I have to admit that I felt somewhat bothered by what she said though.

I know it is true that in some ways I have actually held myself back. I think I’ve had some really good reasons in doing so, but I also know that holding myself back is not entirely the reason why I haven’t moved along in life as much I should have, or would have wanted or liked to, by now. I have taken many risks and stepped way beyond my comfort zone many a time. But I have also come up against personal politics, a lack of job openings, and in some circumstances, my own ignorance. My circumstances, to some extent, have just been largely out of my control. I haven’t liked this. I’ve hated it, I’ve prayed relentlessly about it, I’ve worried about it, I’ve asked for advice, I’ve taken advice, I’ve tried to learn from past mistakes, and I honestly feel like I’ve tried my best with all of it. It just hasn’t been good enough though.

When Mom said what she did, it just made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. With what she said, along with a few other things that has happened in the last few months, I feel like she blames me for not being further along. When it comes to holding myself back, yes, I will admit that in some ways I have. I don’t want to move a hundred miles away or to another state. I like where I live. Besides that, I absolutely hate the thought of being away from my family like that. I know I don’t have enough courage to be so completely on my own, so far away from family and friends. Keeping those things in mind, I have held myself back some.

I tried explaining some of this to Mom. She understands, but not fully. She’s never really liked living around here, so she just thinks I’m nuts for actually liking it. She told me she thought I was lucky (Me? Lucky? I couldn’t wait to hear her thoughts on this). She said I was lucky because I didn’t have any attachments. I don’t have a wife, I don’t have any kids, I don’t have family right now that just has to have me around, I’m not in school anymore, I’m not indebted in any way to anyone or anything that would keep me from moving… all in all, I’m free to go where I please and do as I wish.

I’ve thought about all of this a lot. I know my Mom is right. I do have that sort of freedom right now. But in knowing this, I can’t help feeling somewhat sad about it and in some ways not wanting it. I honestly thought I was needed more, and it kind of sucks to find out that apparently others don’t think so. And that just makes me feel so unappreciated for the things I have done for them. I know this isn’t what my Mom wanted me to feel, but it does make me question just how close we really are, and how close I might be to others.

I know what my goals are, what my dreams are, where I eventually want to wind up, and I do believe I am on course for getting where I want to be in life. But it is slow going. And it is easy to want to give up. The trick is to not give up though. I believe the worst thing I could do right now is to just run off any ole place just to get a quick fix. It wouldn’t be a fix. It would just be some short term solution, throwing me off course, and causing me more problems than not.

I know my Mom wants good things for me, and I know she is tired of seeing me try for something that is so slow achieving (and it has been tough), but in this one regard I do believe she is wrong about what I should do. I honestly do believe that if I just keep building up, keep working hard, and keep having faith and patience to get where I’d like to go, I will eventually get there. And that option will be so much better for me and for others around me than taking some short term quick fix.

Having said that, I do feel tired though. I know I’m not doing certain things right, and I’m not just talking about in trying to find a job. The thing is, I really haven’t wanted to care about a lot of things that I know I should care more about. I’m tired of caring. And I know how horrible that sounds, but it is the truth. I’m so tired I just don’t want to care. In this, I know I need God’s strength. But it goes much further than that. I just don’t feel right.

I keep trying not to think too far ahead, but to rather take one day at a time. In this, I know I need God’s hope. I know that’s something I’ve not felt much of lately: hopefulness.

And I know I’m having a hard time dealing with loss. In the last few years, I’ve lost a lot of things. Things I cherished in my childhood, things that shaped how I think and feel about myself, dreams and goals for my future… my grandma. I miss my grandma terribly. She was such an important part of my life. She lived across from me almost my entire life. I was so used to seeing her and being around her. Now that she’s gone, a part of my life just seems empty. I feel like a part of me was torn away. I feel that way really in all the things I’ve lost.

And I hate getting older. I’ve never liked the thought of it. I don’t want to lose people. I don’t want to see one dream after the next come crashing to an end. I don’t want to see and feel my body age.

I turned 30 this last spring. I think it shows on my face. I do look older, more worn, less energetic. My hair keeps getting grayer, my eyes tired, my joints more sore. It terrifies me, the thought of getting older. Even worse, however, is the thought that I will not live to be very old. I have always had a very strong feeling that I won’t live a long life. This, to some extent, is an even more terrifying thought, because it makes what time I do have seem all the more urgent. And I feel as though I’ve wasted, intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of that time. At this point, I had hoped to be so much further along than I am. All combined, however, either outcome makes me somewhat panicked feeling about my future.

“And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?” – Luke 12:25

I think about this verse a lot. I know I’m worrying too much. In this, again, I know I need God’s strength and hope. I need faith, too, that everything, regardless of outcome, will be as it should in the end.

How much longer must I wait though? How much longer before I can begin living as I’d like to live? Will that day ever come? If not, then what? How do I accept my life being something I don’t like?  I find all of these questions beyond my answer, but ones that carry so much weight.

My mom may be right. Maybe I do hold myself back too much, and maybe I don’t have any attachments. But that’s not what I want, or how I wish it was. Regardless of any faults I might have, this is not where I’d hoped to be in life. This is not how I had hoped my life would be. And yet, even in that thought do I find conflict, realizing that maybe what I want really isn’t in some way what is best for me. Again, how do I come to accept this? When will God ever lay this upon my heart, if it is true?

Perhaps what I really need to do right now, more than anything, is to try to learn how to be better content with the present. God, I know I need your help though.

So Long, 2012

It always amazes me just how much can take place in a year’s time. This year, in a lot of ways, has felt like a lot of years all rolled into one. That is to say, it has felt like a very long year. It is also one in which I will be glad to see come to an end.

This year, a lot like the one before it, was not a very good one. For much of the whole first half of it, I suffered one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve ever had. It was mostly in response to my grandmother’s death and all the things we had to go through in dividing her property, missing her terribly, dealing with the emotions of myself and others, and learning to live without her (it still tears at my soul just thinking about her—recognizing how great a loss her death has presented, knowing just how much she was a part of my life). But it was just a very difficult experience, and it quickly sent me headfirst into a depression the likes of which I hope I will never experience again. I had trouble sleeping a lot of nights, and when I did, I’d dream of some of the worst things imaginable. I overate to find comfort. I cried enough to fill up a small lake. I didn’t want to be around people, and isolated myself much of the time. None of it was worth a second go around.

The summertime of the year wasn’t much better. I’d worked really hard to achieve two particular job openings at work, at the end of the school year, and wasn’t considered for either one of them. This was after I’d had virtually every worker at the place tell me they thought I’d get one of the jobs. I thought I had a really good shot, too. It wasn’t meant to be though, and the way it happened, it just really bothered me. It was a deliberate snub. That, too, was something hard to get over.

I’ve also had some of the worst fights with my parents and brother this year—particularly with my brother. To listen to him, it was my fault I didn’t get a better job, it was my fault that I felt bad, it was my fault that my grandma died, it was my fault that the sun is hot. You name it, and it was my fault. Thankfully, he lost this attitude somewhere around the time school started back. If he’d have given me anymore grief, I’d have probably chucked him out the door.

It has also been a very difficult year financially. I’ve had to scrap by on pennies more times than I can recall this year. I’ve had financial aid payments from college to start paying back, a lack of work through the summer, and a reduction in my pay rate at work due to budget cuts. So, needless to really say, this has been somewhat of a constant worry.

It was also a very political year. I follow politics quite a bit, so I was all about the primaries in the spring and the presidential election in the summer and fall. If you’ve been following me much this last year, you will know how I feel about how that turned out.

Overall, things have improved the last two or three months though. I’ve been in better spirits, trying to keep my hopes up, and everyone in my family has tried to get along with each other much more. I’ve been out of that state of depression for a few months now—thankfully. I’m not in the best shape financially speaking, still, but I do see hope that that will turn around soon.

So much has happened this year though. And I’ve seen myself age somewhat through it all. There have been bad memories, but also some very good memories as well (and I don’t mean to discredit any of them). There have been dreams, or goals, met, made, and lost. There have been tough decisions to make and easy decisions to make; fun things to do and not so fun things to do. But all I can say is that I hope this next year is a better one. I will remain hopeful that it will be--and not be so superstitious as to allow the “13” part of it get in the way of it being a good one. :)

I wish everyone else the very best throughout this next year, too. May it be a truly blessed one.

Tombstones

As often happens, I have managed to overwhelm myself with too much work, too many distractions, and too many projects to find time for this blog. My apologies to anyone concerned.

Thanksgiving went very well this year. I was honestly surprised and uplifted by how well everyone got along, and by how it all worked out with as few glitches as possible. I have to say I enjoyed spending some extra time with my family. I haven’t been able to see my grandparents that much this year, or my aunts and uncles. And of course it was nice to eat some home cooked food for a change that wasn’t my own.

I’m looking forward to Christmas as well. I think this may turn out to be the most strapped for cash Christmas I’ve ever known though. Not just for myself but for family and friends too. I can’t think of anyone who hasn’t said they’ll be cutting back this year. No one’s got the money to spend like they used to. And that’s probably a good thing actually, because Christmas has been way too commercialized over the last few years anyway. But I do wish I’d be able to do a little more than I know I’ll be able to. All of that aside though, I am definitely enjoying the Christmas lights going up and all the other decorations and songs and such. I’ve been working on a Christmas around the world teaching unit which has really got me in the Christmas mood as well. It’s quite fascinating learning all the different ways people celebrate Christmas.

This will be the second Christmas without my grandma. I miss her terribly. I was in a store just the other day and saw something I couldn’t help but think she might have liked for Christmas. It was one of those immediate thoughts. Afterward, I couldn’t help but feel a little down. I’d give anything to spend another Christmas with her.

Moving on.

I wish I could say I was pleased with the election results this year, but I was not. To be perfectly blunt, I was completely dumbfounded that Obama won, and that he won by as much as he did. Hindsight speaks volumes though, and I can see many areas in which Romney cut his own throat. However, I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to say I still thought he was the lesser of the two evils. I was going to get into all of the mountain’s worth of facts to prove this, but I’ve said enough in at least three former posts already, which is sufficient enough. I really can’t help but believe we Republicans just picked the wrong horse. Even though Newt Gingrich had some demons from his past, I really think had he been our candidate, I’d be writing right now about President-elect Gingrich. Whereas Romney couldn’t say anything without putting his own foot in his mouth, Gingrich really is one of the best communicators for conservatism I believe there’s ever been. He’d have fought harder and made the better argument, something Romney proved he just couldn’t do.

I am pleased to say that the newest James Bond movie, Skyfall, turned out to be so phenomenally good. It has to be within the top five of the series. Daniel Craig literally brought to the screen Ian Fleming’s Bond from the books. He did a fantastic job. Judy Dench gave her best performance as M. Ralph Fiennes, Ben Whishaw, and Naomie Harris were great as well. Let me not forget Javier Bardem though. For crying out loud, he was excellent as the villain, Silva. I would rank him within the top three villains of the whole Bond series. It was a villain completely out of his mind for revenge, a real physical threat, manipulative, and one that you can actually feel sorry for. And the story itself was amazing, having borrowed a few plots from Fleming that hadn’t been used before.

So… that’s about it for this post. I know. It’s completely useless, but oh well. I hope everyone’s doing well. :)

A Light in a Very Dark Place

Hello, everyone. I hope you had a good Christmas. I can’t say it was the best of Christmases, but it probably wasn’t the worst either. It was different though. To be honest, I did feel depressed throughout most of the holiday. I’ve been fairly depressed for the whole last month now. The reason is that my grandma passed away the day after Thanksgiving, and I’ve been missing her terribly.

Every day I have some memory or thought of her pop into my mind. I find myself wishing I could talk to her one last time, or have one last cup of coffee with her, or spend one last family get-together with her, or take one last drive out in the country, or play one last game of rook, or be a kid again to spend the night with her one last time, or even just to hear her voice and see her smile again. I just wish she was still here so badly that it’s killing me inside.

So, that’s sort of where I’m at right now. I’m not doing too well. But I am trying to pull through and remember that death is not the end of one’s life, and that God still has plans to give me hope and a future. In the meantime, please pray for me and my family. I think we could all use a little extra praying for right now, and would great appreciate that.

Again, I hope all of you had a good Christmas. And in case I don’t get time to write again before the New Year, that you each have a good start to the New Year as well.

What's Going On? (or: A Tale of Two Tuesdays)

Last Tuesday was just one of those days. It began early with a visit to the doctor’s office with my grandma (her visit, not mine). I sat in the waiting room for about an hour before she came out and told me she was given another appointment for an x-ray at the hospital the following morning to help determine if she was having small pin strokes. I was worried upon hearing that. When we got back to the car we decided to go for a little drive just as an excuse to stay out a little longer, and since she’d been cooped up quite a bit lately I figured it’d do her some good and take her mind off of some things.

Our little drive turned out to be the best part of the day. When we got back, my mom called me saying that dad had been trying to get a hold of me, something about my grandpa. So, I said goodbye to my maternal grandma and headed home to call Dad. It turned out that he had had to leave work because my paternal grandpa had gotten ill. He had been looking for me to see if I could go and stay with him so that he wouldn’t have to leave work. My paternal grandma, who usually would have taken care of the problem, just so happened to be out of town with my aunt for her own doctor’s visit. But it turned out dad was able to take care of him and he got to feeling better by the time my grandma got back in the county. I was likewise worried about all of this.

Then, a few hours later when mom got home, she had brought my cousin’s girls home with her because my cousin’s wife’s mom had been taken to the hospital due to her cancer, and so they needed someone to look after the girls. At this point, I cancelled going to the movies that night with my brother (something that had been planned for over a week at that point), which caused a big fight between the two of us—the last thing I needed at that moment. That crisis got resolved though. Later that night, however, when my cousin and his wife showed up to get the girls, my cousin’s wife passed out on the front porch as a result of her blood sugar dropping due to diabetes. We finally got her taken care of and they all left.

And as if that hadn’t been enough drama and turmoil for one day, my nephews decided to throw one of the biggest tantrums of the year while getting ready for bed, to which it took no less than an hour getting them calmed and settled.

By the time I got in bed I literally felt like it had been the day from hell. I was exhausted, worried, and an emotional wreck. All in all, it was just a horrible day.

Today, however, has been in stark contrast to last Tuesday. I slept in to about 9:30am. I sauntered through to the kitchen and made a cup of what turned out to be some very delicious coffee. I watered some plants out on the porch and sat on the swing enjoying the mild weather for a few minutes. Then I went back in and got the computer out and checked my email and the latest news. I did some writing and listened to some music. There have been no reports of anyone being sick or anything else bad happening. There’ve been no worrying, blowups, or other crises going on. And it’s honestly been rather quiet around the house for a change.

Altogether, it has been turning out to be a really good day. But, looking back to last week, it just amazes me how different two days can be. One day, things can be falling apart all around you, and the next day, everything goes just as good as can be.

I am glad for the good days.

Memorial Day, 2011

When I think of Memorial Day, a few things usually come to mind. I remember going with my paternal grandma to the graveyards when I was a kid. She has always been keen on visiting the hundreds of graves of those she’s known. On at least two separate Memorial Day weekends she took me along with her. Now, some may think this would be boring or perhaps even morbid for a kid, but I did actually enjoy going along with her. I enjoyed it because my grandma would tell me all sorts of stories about the people whose graves we visited. I learned a lot about my family’s history that way. And I also really enjoyed all the unique places we’d go. You wouldn’t believe how many graveyards really are hid around the countryside. I remember us going to a few that only just had what could be called a road leading up to them. Some were in the woods, some were overgrown by thick bushes, some were on the hillsides, some within others’ property, and some were really kept up and so forth. Seeing so many of them, I’ve always kept in mind how easy it must be to become buried in a patch of weeds (it really is dependent on the caretaker, and whether or not anyone lives who does still care about the condition of the graves of those buried there). My grandma and I really did visit a great many of sites that were getting quite overtaken by nature. And that’s sad, really, to think about, because it means that a good portion of those who have been buried in such cemeteries have probably been forgotten; either their family and friends moved on, died off themselves, or just simply forgot about them. I find an unkept grave a very sad thing. Perhaps that is why I’ve often thought more favorably toward cremation (at least for myself).

Memorial Day also makes me think of my maternal grandpa, who died when I was around four. I don’t have many memories of him, but I do recall a couple with great fondness (I really do wish I could have known him better). I remember him on Memorial Day because my maternal grandma, mom, and aunt have always made sure to lay flowers on his grave on this day, and they always make a big to do about it. I also remember him because he was buried, and the first thought about having gone to the cemeteries with my paternal grandma as a kid always leads me to think of the cemetery where he is buried. And then, perhaps the biggest reason why I remember him on this day is because he was a soldier in World War II.

This leads me to my next thought about Memorial Day: the soldiers who have died in defense of our country. I’m not sure why, but I mostly want to reflect on WWII soldiers and the sacrifices they made during that war. It is probably only because I relate to that war having knowledge of my grandfather’s activities in it, but also because, I admit, I have played a great deal of WWII shooter video games. Because of those two things I just sort of automatically picture WWII troops whenever I think of soldiers (not to offend or belittle any other veterans—you’re all awesome).

After that, Memorial Day makes me recall all the holiday weekends when I worked on the lake. Good grief those could be busy weekends. We’d all work ourselves to death nearly. But they were good because it meant a lot of extra change in my pocket and I always managed to get a good tan that weekend to kick off the summer with. And, of course, I recall family trips and get-togethers as well.

I am glad we celebrate Memorial Day in this country. I know a lot of times people don’t often actually reflect on those who have died, but instead use this day only as a great time off. I don’t hold that against anyone, per se, because it is great to get some time off every now and then however you can get it. But I do wish more people would actually take at least some time to think back on those who have gone on. It only takes a little bit of time to actually reflect on past friends and family members, and I think it is especially befitting to at least take some amount of time on this holiday to say a quick prayer for and to thank all those who serve our country. After all, that is what this holiday was created for.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on this day. I hope everyone has had a good holiday, whatever you did.

The Family of God

I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by his blood
joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod
for I'm part of the family, the family of God

I love this song. It's one of my favorite hymns. A few years ago when I was really struggling to feel as though I belonged anywhere, this hymn really did help me to feel as though I belonged in church and with other Christians. It really did help me to feel as though I was a part of something so special, even though so much of the time I honestly felt so unapart of it. This song helped me. Maybe it can help you too. I wish I could have found a better video, but at least with this one you can get a pretty good idea of it, and maybe you can find a better version on your own.

Whatever, I'm Tired of Feeling

I try to be positive and to hide my pain, but in truth, I'm hurting. I've been hurting for a long time now, and in a certain way, I feel sort of numb. I don't feel good, but I try not to feel bad, so I just feel... whatever.

I'm not at all where I'd hoped to be at this stage of my life. I'm trying to get where I want to be—to get back on course—but just so much seems to be so wrong or so complicated. I don't even know where to begin, or if I even should. It just seems like for every step I take forward, I take two giant steps back.

Several of my hopes and dreams have went to the wayside. I don't have any hope for a family of my own anymore. That hope and that dream is practically gone completely. Being a realist, I just don't think it's a very realistic thing to expect anymore. It seems far too unlikely. Instead, I find myself wanting a boyfriend, and knowing I can't have one, and realizing that even if I did have one, I probably still wouldn't feel any better than I currently do. And it doesn't help me any to face the very real prospect that I may be alone the rest of my life.

I've been struggling with lust and pornography. It's like I can't see enough; like there's a longing within me that I just can't satisfy. And I know this has been brought on in large part due to my work environment. I can't escape seeing at least two or three good looking, near naked, guys each day. It's sort of inevitable. I see them and that longing builds within me. I look away but the feeling remains. I try to turn to Jesus but I feel ashamed, or guilty or whatever, and then I just feel lonely.

I've come to the conclusion I don't really want to be straight anymore. I don't want to be anything for that matter. If I could have things my way I wouldn't be attracted to anyone or have any feelings of sexual desire or arousal at all for anyone. It just seems like there would be a lot less headache if that were the case.

I've been so disappointed with my church lately. I've been heartbroken by the response given to my young friend who reached out for help there. He is gay and doesn't want to be. People who I've known my whole life have responded so terribly toward him. These are people who I've loved and cared about and who I've worshipped with for so many years now, and it's just torn me apart in my soul to see how they've responded. It's made me glad in one sense that I never have told more people than I have about my own struggles. I wonder if they'd treat me the same way if they knew.

There were so many things I wanted to help bring about at my church. I wanted to help create more programs, get more people involved, be able to reach out into the community more and bring people to God, but none of that seems to be happening. Maybe I'm being a little impatient. I feel like I'm constantly fighting against everyone else though. A lot of my ideas seem to be brushed off or ignored. I seriously wonder sometimes why I always feel so compelled to stay at this church. A lot of times I just feel like people are pretending to care about me. I get the feeling sometimes that if I just stopped going, I wouldn't be too sorely missed. That thought bothers me. I don't want to sound too down on my church though. There are a lot of good things happening there. I just get so frustrated so much of the time about certain things.

I've also been angry with a particular family problem lately. I won't get into the details of that too much here, but it involves my brother and his kids. Their mother doesn't want them, but my brother and family does and can't get them. Someone outside the family is getting them instead, and it just feels like these kids are being stolen away from us and by someone who rightfully shouldn't have a say in anything related to them. I feel so helpless to fix the turmoil this has caused my family. There's nothing I can do. I can't help the people I love. And this is crushing.

I'd hoped on being a published writer of something at least somewhat noteworthy by now. I have all these really good ideas, yet I never find time to write anymore. I'm too tired or too distracted to ever concentrate like I should. And what I have written hasn't amounted to anything. I couldn't even get members of my own family to read my book a few years ago. I find that dream is still alive, but the goal just seems to keep getting further and further away.

I'm gonna be going back to school, but I honestly don't know why. I really don't know what career I want to pursue. I think maybe I'm just going for the sake of going. Everyone expected me to finish school and get a degree. I think maybe I'm just trying to live up to expectations. I'd like to graduate from college. I just wish I was more certain about the purpose of my going. I'd like to think that what degree I get may be put to some use.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some of the people who I thought were my friends I've recently found out they've been working against me behind my back. Aside from that, I miss some of my other friends. I haven't heard from some of them in a while now. Maybe they've just been busy like me and haven't had time to write/visit/phone/whatever. And I wish I did have more free time myself for such things. I miss spending time with these friends. I haven't had much opportunity for that lately.

I just wish I could get some answers. I feel stressed and frustrated and so clueless about what I should be doing in my life or how to achieve some of the hopes and dreams I have, and it just seems like God isn't answering me. I want guidance, direction, some blueprint for how to get from this stage in my life to the next. I want hope. I want encouragement. I want somebody to just tell me to keep on hoping and to keep on believing that everything will work out as it should. That God will lead me to a better place. I wish someone would tell me they love me. I wish I could get some rest and be able to stop worrying.

I just wish things could be good for a while. I'm just so tired of all this. I know everyone must get so sick of my whining around. I'm sick of it myself. I'm just so sick of feeling this way.

The Importance Of Friends (or: What Beats the Loneliness)

A few months ago, I got the following advice from Jay in response to the post I'd written titled Am I An Eleanor Rigby?:

“As for loneliness, I only have this advice that works for me. Memory is the biggest foil for loneliness. Remember your friends, your travels, your family, the times when you felt comfortable and at peace. Think about them often, and try to make new memories by seeking out friends and having a good time. When you're with them, enjoy the moment and be blessed! When you're not, remember that they're still out there and still love you. Right now an intimate relationship might be denied you, but you can find just as much validation and joy in your friends and family.

Feel better, and God bless.”

Jay, your advice has helped.

One thing I have struggled with a lot in my life is loneliness. Because of some of my low self-esteem/self-confidence issues, lack of social involvement with others as a child, and fears about people finding out about my struggles with homosexuality, I've had a tendency to hide myself in near complete isolation a great deal of the time—I can be a real hermit. In doing this, I've made myself so terribly lonely at times. Contributing to that feeling is the fear of being rejected by others. There have been a lot of people in my past that I have tried to reach out to and be friends with who simply wouldn't respond back to me. They didn't want to be friends with me, I guess. And I've tended to take that personally as something purely against me.

I don't think I realized it exactly, but shortly after high school, for about three or four years, I think I just quit trying to make friends. I tried to be friendly or nice to others, but I wasn't trying so much to make friends with anyone. I thought it was pointless for me to even try. So many people had turned away from me that I think I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. So, I just didn't try. I'd given up on that.

One of the first bits of advice I ever received from anyone at Exodus International was that I needed to try to build some good, healthy friendships. I think the man who suggested that to me could see into my life just enough to know how friendless I really was at the time. So, because of that, he pushed me to find friends, to try once again to make friends, and to not just give up on that effort. I believe he also told me that it might be hard for me, that there would probably still be people rejecting me in the matter, but that I shouldn't just give up on that effort and be friendless the rest of my life. I think he knew, rightly, too, just how important having friends would be for me in my fight to overcome homosexuality. That's definitely something I've learned. I couldn't do this without the help and support and prayers of other people.

Looking back over this last year, I can say it was certainly one of the hardest years of my life. My preacher, of all people, showed no interest of helping me, which made me question just how open about my struggles I could be with others and just how trusting I could be of my church. I took a job that stressed me out and literally just sucked the life out of me. I was depressed and frustrated, and in general was seeing my entire life get turned upside down and inside out and it just is a miracle to me that I never lost my sanity throughout it all (I think I came close to that a few times actually). But, it was just a very difficult year for me. There was a lot of change for me, and I've never been one to handle change very well; I tend to resist that. I've struggled to see myself differently, to see others differently, to give up certain sins—all sin in my life really, and to learn how to trust God and others in my life. And I have struggled with making friends. I've let my feelings get really hurt many times this last year while trying to be friends with people. I've taken things a little too personally a few times. But, as I look back, I realize I have made friends. Some of my employees showed me on a few occasions how much they liked me back this last summer. There was one particular day when I was feeling so down, and my boss was just railing at everything I did, and a few of them wrote me a little note, left it on my desk, telling me how much they appreciated me and were uplifting me and encouraged me by not only that but by including a verse from the bible on the backside of the note. The verse was this: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under temptation, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12) I was very moved by what they did, and I kept that note and reflected on it many times when things at work weren't going so well.

I was able to strengthen two former friendships as well this last summer. Two of my workers were people who I'd worked alongside of in previous years. I could often go to them and vent and also get advice, and I allowed them to help me be a better boss by listening to them. But, I also saw that the two of them always stuck by me. When everyone else seemed to be abandoning me there towards the end of things, they stuck by me. They cared and they helped me. I'll admit that bewildered me a little. I'm not used to people, other than family, doing that. And I realized by it that these two people are REAL friends. I only hope I can give back to them as much as they've given to me. I hope I can be and am being as good a friend to them in return. Like I already mentioned, I have a tendency to turn away from others and hide myself, so that's been something I've had to work through with them. It's like I keep expecting them to eventually turn away from me, so I have to keep stopping myself from turning away from them first (that's what I used to do to keep from being hurt).

I also found a friend in my Exodus counselor this last year. He's helped me so much in just being there for me and helping me work through some of the feelings of frustration and confusion I've had, but also to help motivate me to change my life for the better. I'm eternally grateful for him, and I thank God for leading him into my life. And I can say the same for my mentor through Setting Captives Free. Both of these men have helped me so much and really I don't know what I'd do without them.

I've also made several Internet friends. I took a chance back last winter, just before Christmas of '06, and sent an email to a nineteen-year-old college student in Maryland. He had been featured in his campus' newspaper for having stood up for his Christian convictions concerning his struggle with homosexuality during a “God hates Fags!” rally, in which he was not only called a “sodomite” by one of the speakers, but was also told he'd never get to heaven because of his homosexual temptations. He stood up to those people and “set them straight,” so to speak, and his college newspaper had decided to write an article about him and his struggles. I instantly admired him for being so open about his struggles, but also for having so much faith in God and for standing up so boldly for other Christians struggling with these things. I emailed him thanking him for what he'd done and offered him a bit of encouragement as well. I took a chance in doing that, because it was something I'd never done before due to a lack of trust for people over the Internet. But it's one chance I've never regretted. He responded back to me, and what has followed is a deep friendship that I cherish with all of my heart. I've made such a wonderful and godly friendship with him. Through that friendship, so many old wounds have been healed in my heart. We typically write back and forth to each other about once or twice a week, and we've done that for a little over a year now. My hope is that eventually I'll get to meet with my friend in person. But it's just been so great knowing him because we understand each other, can encourage each other, can lift each other up, pray for each other, and we actually do have a whole lot in common that we can talk about besides our struggles. I honestly do just love him to pieces. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.

I've made other online friends as well. I'd consider a great number of my fellow bloggers to be friends. I say that because you've been there for me and prayed for me and you've helped me by being so willing to share in this fight alongside of me. I've talked with a couple of you through email and I've made some good friendships there. You know who you are, and I'll thank you from the bottom of my heart for being friends with me. You're gifts from God, quite literally. And so are all of my friends.

Looking back, it sort of surprises me just how many friends I have made. I'd prayed for a long time for God to send people into my life, and I see where that's happening. I have friends now for the first time in my life! I have real, genuine friends who know me and like me and want to be around me. Sometimes that really does dumbfound me. I spent so many years thinking I wasn't worthy of friendship or of love. So many people had rejected me or made fun of me or turned away from me, and I think I was so full of self-hate as well for a few past actions that I just literally couldn't see how anybody could ever think otherwise about me. I thought I was unlovable. But I'm seeing where I was wrong for thinking that.

When it comes to loneliness, I continue to struggle with that at times—sometimes quite severely. But I know that when I try to do as Jay suggested and think back on all the good times, and to know that there are people who love me, who care about me, who do want to know me, and to know how God feels about me, the loneliness goes away. What's helped the most, really, is just finally realizing how God feels about me. He loves me—me, this horrible sinner who in no way deserves His love or anything else from Him! And that overwhelms me. I just try to think of all the good that really has been in my life, all those good times, all those good feelings, all those people who are my friends (even if I can't always be around them), my family and the warmth and love I've received from them, and how much God loves me and wants to spend time with me, and all those lonely feelings just go away. I thank Jay for his advice. It does help to think about these things, and to place them in my heart.

It just occurred to me that this is my fiftieth post, and I really can't think of a more befitting subject to have written about for this occasion than the subject of friendship. I'm glad I decided not to give up on making friends. It would have been so easy for me to have just accepted a lonely, friendless existence and lived the rest of my life in isolation. That would have been the easy thing to do. I'll admit, I think it's hard making friends. It's hard being a friend sometimes. For one, it's a two way street. Someone once told me, and I forget who, but they said, “In order to make friends, you must first be a friend.” I think that's great advice. How can a person make friends if they're not first willing to reach out and offer friendship to others? Or, for that matter, to respond back to people who offer you friendship? It can't be done. You have to reach out to others in order to make friends.

My hope is that all of you out there are making friends too and not just living lonely lives in seclusion. I hope you are at least trying to make friends, and have not given up. If you have given up, believe me, you're missing out on so much in life. Life is really hard living when you have no friends. When you have no friends, you have nobody to fall back on when the going gets tough, or who you can enjoy your life with, or get support or advice from, or love.

One of my favorite quotes is this: “No man is a failure who has friends”. That comes from the movie It's A Wonderful Life. And like George Bailey, the main character of that movie, I'm beginning to see just how wonderful my life is, and can be. I have hope now. And I realize there are going to still be plenty of lonely days ahead of me in my life. But I know now how better to handle those times. I have friends I can go to, and new friendships to make. I have good memories I can linger on. And, above all else, I know I can always turn to God. I can always lay my head upon His breast, talk to Him, and feel the radiant love that He has for me shining through. And that's what beats the loneliness.

Venting

Okay, so I'm in a mood. I'm just frustrated feeling. Really. I think I'm just so sick of so many people in my life, and I'm so sick of feeling stepped on by so many people. I've been trying to work through these feelings and keep my mind on God and to keep cool, but I just feel the need to vent. I'll do a preemptive apology now for the following.

First off, my brother is an idiot. There, I said it. I've never in my life known someone who could make so many stupid decisions on what should be some really easy decisions to make. I won't go into details, but it just really grates on my nerves that he could be so clueless about so many things. He isn't a dummy. I know that and I'll admit that, but it's just like he never thinks anything through, and he gets some of the weirdest of ideas sometimes that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; he keeps getting himself in trouble, people try to warn him against certain things, he won't listen, gets further in trouble, and then wonders why all the time. He's just really starting to get on my nerves with all his b---s---. If I didn't love him so much, and if he wasn't family, I'd probably have told him to take a hike already. I've never spent anymore time than I had to around other people like him, but, well... there you have it. He's my brother for better or worse and I guess I'll just have to put up with him. We've been through so much together that by this point, it would be kind of ridiculous to disown him.

Secondly, I'm tired of my grandparents always calling on me to do everything for them when there are four other grandchildren who could be called on from time to time. I don't understand why I'm always the only one who has to do all this crap for them while the others never do anything. I mean, if it's just that they like being around me more than the rest, I understand that, but there ARE other ways of being around me rather than having me do all these chores for them all the time. We could visit more often, call on the phone, go on a trip, etc. The thing is, when they call on me all the time for these things it just makes me not want to have anything to do with them. I've got things of my own to do, and it just gets on my nerves that I never have time for anything I'd like to do anymore because people are always asking and expecting things from me. And it pisses me off because I rarely ever ask anybody to do anything for me. I try to take care of myself as best I can without putting anybody out. And if by chance I do ask anyone for help, it's like I always get a no. “Dad, will you help me (or teach me how to) change the oil in my car?” Reply: “No”. “Brother, will you help me move this piece of furniture?” Reply: “No, not right now [five days later--maybe]”. “Friend, will you go to that group event/function/etc. with me?” Reply: “No”. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of feeling like I have to give of myself all the time and never get anything back from anyone else. And it's like if I do ask for help I'm usually made to feel like I'm the scum of the earth or something for asking. I don't understand it. And it's not that I do the things I do for other people in order to get something back from them. I'm glad I can help my grandparents. I'm glad I can do things for other people. But it would be nice if at least occasionally there would be something, anything, in return. It would be nice if occasionally somebody would return the favor.

This leads me to another issue. I'm tired of doing my best all the time and it never being good enough for anybody. I try to do my best at everything I do, and it's like nobody ever recognizes that. It's never good enough. I feel like I'm never good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for my parents, my brother, people at work, at church, and so on. Like Rodney Dangerfield always used to say: “No respect”. I don't get any respect. Mainly from my family though. It's like my family just thinks they can walk all over me all the time, and I'm getting so sick and tired of it. If it's not good enough, if I'm not good enough, then the way I see it, they can find someone else they think can do better and just leave me alone for a change.

I'm also mad at myself though. I've given in to a couple of things I shouldn't have—nothing too serious, but things I knew better than to do—and it's just been bugging me. I know that my acting out was really just a wrong response to some of the feelings I've had the last couple of days. But I also know that that doesn't justify anything. I'm trying not to linger too much on it though. I've asked God to forgive me and I'm trying not to do those things again and to move on. That's all I can do.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm just venting. Hopefully getting some of this off my chest will help some. I don't know. I'm sure, or at least I hope, that by this time tomorrow I'll be in a far better mood.

Sorry to be such a killjoy. I'll try to post something better next time.

Christmas Went Well

Hey, everybody!

I hope all of you had a good Christmas. I had had a little bit of a hard time getting into the spirit of things concerning Christmas, but as it turned out, I have to say that this was one of the best Christmas' ever. I felt close to my family, everyone got along, we had fun with each other, and I certainly felt close to God. It was an unusual Christmas in a lot of ways--there were a few key differences this year--but overall, it was a very good Christmas and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

New Year's is just ahead of us now, and I hope and I pray that 2008 will be a better year than the one coming to an end. I have a feeling it will be. :)

Let me know how all of your Christmas' went. God bless.

Where's the Magic?

When I was little I used to look forward to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, my birthday, and certain other special occasions such as that. There was a magic to each of those times. There was excitement, fun, adventure, family, rejoicing, and love and warmth beyond measure. They were good times. They were the times I enjoyed most when growing up. However, the last few years those times haven't felt like that at all to me. The magic just isn't there. My birthday has become just another day—usually one that I dread. Halloween just comes and goes—I never even thought to carve a jack-o-lantern this year, and that's always been something I've looked forward to. Thanksgiving was a hectic free-for-all with everybody running around like wild chickens with their heads cut off just to get a piece of turkey and pumpkin pie. And Christmas usually isn't much better. At least with Christmas, there is still that feeling of family. And there are the decorations, the gift-giving, hopefully some snow, and the rejoicing in Jesus' birth that still makes it all worthwhile. But, overall, I don't feel the way I used to about any of those times. I don't look forward to them the way I did when I was little. They're not as fun as they used to be.

I wish sometimes that I didn't have to grow old. I wish I could stay young and even go back to certain times in my childhood. Everything seemed so much less complicated back then; so much simpler. I've heard people call that feeling having the Peter Pan syndrome, and I guess that's what I have to a degree. I've resisted so many adult things. In a lot of ways I've passed up and neglected certain responsibilities just because I wanted to preserve the illusion I wasn't an adult. And I know I've been wrong to do that. I've held myself back in a lot of ways by doing that. But I know a lot of the reason why I've done that is because there was so much I felt like I missed out on when I was growing up. Being a little older now, I've been able to do some of those things I felt like I missed out on, and I've enjoyed those things. That enjoyment has made me want to cling to more youthful days, and even certain ways of thinking, at times.

For instance, I never had very much quality time with my Dad when I was growing up. There just wasn't much that we shared an interest in. But then, about five years ago, my brother introduced us to the Nintendo GameCube. Now, it had been a long time since either of us had played any video games, and that went back to the time of the NES. So, when we saw how much better the graphics were and how much the level of game play had evolved over the years, we were both quickly hooked. My Dad and I both wound up playing several games together, spending hours on end doing that. And for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed doing something with my Dad. That was a really good time in my life because of that. I actually felt like I could finally relate to him about something. I felt close to him. I felt loved by him. I felt like I was important to him. When I was little, that's something I never really felt or experienced. My dad had always spent so much time playing and listening to music—that was his thing—and I never got into that at all. Anytime I've ever tried learning an instrument I've ended up embarrassing myself terribly. It's just something I'm not talented at. But when we did find something we enjoyed doing together, I know I sort of desperately wanted to cling onto my dad, as a child would, I suppose, just so that I could make up for the time with him I felt like I didn't get from him when I actually was a child. I'm glad I've been able to get closer to my dad the last few years, and that has definitely made up for a lot of the lack of time we spent with each other while I was growing up, but there are a lot of other things I know I just can't go back and get.

I really like the Harry Potter movies, and I think one reason for that is because I see these young kids enjoying themselves on some grand adventure (called life). I see them making friends. I see the sort of camaraderie they have with each other. And I wish so much I could have had that when I was growing up. I always felt so alone when I was younger. I didn't have many friends at school or at church, and at home my brother was usually too busy running wild or hanging out with his own friends to spend time with me, and my parents were usually off doing what adults do. So, I felt alone. But when I watch those movies I see great friendship. I see people caring about each other, enjoying each other's company, and fighting for and with each other in desperate times. It makes me wish sometimes that I could have been in a boarding school of some sort when I was younger. I wonder if that might have forced me to interact more with other people my age, to have depended a little less on my parents, and to have developed in me more social skills at an earlier age. I could have possibly made more friends than what I actually did make. Friendship really is something I've been striving for the last few years. I've craved it, in fact.

I know I've made some horrible mistakes in my past when it comes to making friends. I was once told by someone that, “in order to make friends, you must first be a friend,” and that's something I've struggled with at times. I haven't always known how to be a friend to others. I'm still so used to isolating myself that I've allowed so many good opportunities for making friends just slip right by. But I just wish I could have had that when I was little. I wish I could have had the sort of friendships and quality time with others that I see those kids having in those movies.

In a lot of ways I don't feel like an adult at all. I like being silly sometimes and probably a bit immature. I like children's games like hide and seek and make believe. There is fun in those things. There's a chance to escape all the negative things of the world, the seriousness of adulthood, and to be free to enjoy oneself. There are a lot of adults out there who, to me, just seem like they've lost all fun in their lives, or that they've lost sight of true enjoyments. In their maturity, they've lost out on the fun things in life.

I like the innocence of children. I like their naïve ideas. I like that so many of them see the world in such a positive, worry-free way. I like their excitement about things. And I like the way their eyes are so full of hope, and there faces so full of warmth.

There is one picture of me when I was little that I like to look at sometimes, and it's a reminder to me to have fun. I have such a beautiful, innocent look about me in that picture. I see it in my eyes and in my smile. And when I look at it, I can't help but wonder why that had to change. I look at other pictures as I got older, and I see the smile become a little more fake along and along, and my eyes become colder or more nervous looking—having a lack of trust behind them. And I see that in the pictures of others too. I see peoples eyes become tired, and their faces long. And I can't help but think, wouldn't it be better if we could all just stay little children, and never have to grow up?

I love that part in the Bible when Jesus tells his disciples, “Let the little children come unto me,” and when he talks about having the faith of a child. That means trusting and hoping, and believing without any reserve. I wish I could still feel that way about a great many things. I wish that around the holidays in particular. I wish I could still see the magic in things the way I used to.

Sometimes I fear growing old. I fear some of the uncertainties to that. But then I remember there's still some magic left in this world. There's still some good to this world, even despite all of it's darkness. There are still miracles that happen all the time. There are still good times to be had. There are still days of wonder and peace and love and warmth ahead of me. And I gain hope at the thought of that, and to remember that God is indeed always with me and that He wants me to enjoy the life that He's given me. Then I remember He offers me something so magnificent to look forward to. He offers me an eternal future, wrapped in His abundant love, where all wrongs are made right, and where I hope my heart will always be that of a child's. He offers me a future better than any past could ever have been. And I know there is still a whole lot of magic left in that for me. There is still something to look forward to and to get excited about.

Off Track

Yesterday was a really good day. I felt good. My Dad surprised me by staying home from work. He'd woke up a little on the sickly side and so he took the day off. It turned out to be just me and him for most of the day. We both ate breakfast (I had frosted flakes) and then we sat around and talked politics for almost two hours in the living room. That's always been sort of a thing we've both enjoyed. It's one of the few things we can both relate to each other about, given that we share most of the same political views. After that, he suggested we go play two-player on one of my video games. That's something we used to do a lot back a few years ago, but had kind of gotten out of. I always loved those times with my dad, so I eagerly agreed. We then spent the next hour or so playing against each other (I pretty much blasted him into tomorrow).

After that, my grandparents came by for a few minutes and I got to spend time with them too. It had been awhile since I'd been able to do that. Then, not long after, my brother phoned and said he had a flat tire and he wanted my help with it. I drove over to his place and got to see him and one of my nephews, and even though we had to change the tire in the dark and in the cold rain I enjoyed every minute of getting to be around them.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. I've come to the conclusion I've gotten off track. The last few months I haven't been going to church very regularly. In fact, I've hardly been at all since about last May. I just couldn't bring myself to go. The last several times I attended, back in the spring, I left every service crying my eyes out. I was so frustrated with the way things had turned out between me and my preacher that I just couldn't stand being around him. I felt like he'd judged me. I felt angry at him for that. And I felt sort of abandoned by him and the rest of the people at my church. I no longer trusted them, or what they had to say. So, I just stopped going. I didn't realize it until just a few days ago, but I'd let those feelings against my preacher and church swell to the point of being a full-fledged grudge against the church as a whole. My attitude was one of distaste and anger, feeling as though there was little point, or little good, in me attending church. I realize I was wrong about that. Terribly wrong! Besides, my grudge wasn't against the church, it was against a preacher who did his best to help me, but simply didn't know how to help me. Was I right to hold a grudge against him for that? I don't think so. Was I right to not go to church? Absolutely not! If I couldn't bring myself to go to this church, I should have at least went to another one.

Despite my feelings, I decided to go to church this week. After attending, I realized how much I've been missing out on—fellowship with other believers, messages of hope, love, and encouragement, Bible lessons, and prayer. But most of all, I missed that feeling of peace I usually get when I'm in church. I need to be in church. I need to have Christian influence in my life. And I need to free myself from all these negative feelings that's been festering up inside of me for so long now.

That goes not only for church, but with life in general. For the last eight months I worked at a job which literally sucked the life out of me. I had a boss who was an absolute nightmare to work for, workers who drove me crazy with their incompetence, and self-righteous, arrogant customers who couldn't care less about their fellow man if their lives depended on it. To be blunt, I hated my job. I dreaded being around some of the other people I had to be around. I despised having to be around some of them. I know now that those negative feelings for a few others caused me to become so very rude, hateful, and uncaring to a few people I in no way ever wanted to be that way to. I think maybe I'd been that way quite a bit actually, and I regret that. I'm no longer working there, and I thank God for that. I don't have to be in that sort of atmosphere on a daily basis anymore. And being freed from all those negative feelings related to that place I've been able to see just how far away from being Christlike to others I'd become. That's one thing I sure hope to remedy, and fast.

In recent weeks I've given a lot of thought to giving up. I've felt so frustrated and lonely and angry that I just haven't cared about anything. I've backed away from a lot of people, including God, and that needs to change. There's a lot I do care about. There's a lot of people I care about. And I don't want to hurt them. Furthermore, I don't want to hurt myself. I've thought a lot about giving up my fight against homosexuality and just embracing it. In the long run of things, I know that would never make me happy. I realize I've drifted down the wrong road in my thinking. I don't want to be angry and selfish all the time, and I don't want to give into things I know better than to give in to. So, my goal for now is to get back on the right track. To make peace with God, myself, and everybody else, to start caring again, and to figure out what I truly want for myself in life and to go for it.

God, please help me! And please forgive me for being so stupid here lately. You taught me to be better than this.

Where to Go, What to Do

Here lately I've been thinking quite a bit about my future. I find myself currently at a time in my life where I could go in any direction I see fit to go in. I'm only twenty-four, my job is about to come to an end, I have no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend or anything like that to tie me down, no kids... so, I find myself considering all my options.

I've thought a lot about moving. Just packing my bags and going on some grand adventure, some journey of discovery, away from everything familiar. I've always thought that if I did move away, I'd want to go someplace either in Tennessee, Virginia, North Carolina, or maybe West Virginia. I guess I'm just in love with the mountains in those states. But if I do move away, wherever that turns out to be, that place would have to be better than where I live now. Otherwise, what's the point in moving? It would be nice to find a town with better jobs. Or a church where a person can actually be accepted even if they've been involved in something as horrible as, yes, heaven forbid, homosexuality. It would be nice to find a church where people openly love God and the people around them. It would be nice to find a place where I could be myself without fear of anyone ever truly knowing me. I'd like nothing more than for everyone just to know I like other guys and for it to not be a big deal to them—that they wouldn't treat me with disgust or as some sort of freak or different. I've thought for a long time now that if I could just move away I could live like that. Living where I do now, I have family to have to deal with. Not to mention all those people I grew up with. And as much as I love my family, I don't always feel like I can be myself or honest with them. I fear being honest with them sometimes, and I know that leads to me not being honest with others for fear that my parents or other family members will eventually find out by word of mouth what it is I struggle with. If I lived someplace else, I wouldn't have to worry so much about my family finding out. I could just be myself more.

I also think about what career to pursue. Writer, teacher, house builder, architect, interior designer, farmer, ... what? I still don't know what to do with my life. Thing is, I'm increasingly beginning to believe that maybe I should settle for being a jack of all trades, but master of none. Maybe I should do a little bit of everything? Of course, something really should be a main source of income, but what? I still don't know what to do with my life. I just don't want to wake up at sixty years of age or older and have to wonder if there was ever anything significant, important, or meaningful in what work I've done during my life. I want to do something meaningful and worthwhile.

So, with all that, I have been considering what sort of future to make for myself. And in considering all these things, I have to keep in mind what God wants for me. I've been praying about these things for quite some time now. Thing is, I only recently realized how great an opportunity I have coming up for making some big changes in my life. And I know that the only thing to hold me back is really just myself. I have to admit that the prospect of moving away or going to a different church does sort of frighten me some. It means that I'm on my own. But I realize that's not necessarily a bad thing. It could actually be a really good thing, because often, when you're on your own like that, that's when you tend to learn the most. You grow as a person and as an individual. At least I do.

This leads to thoughts of other things. I realize how much growing up I've had to do the last couple of years. I realize how much I've held myself back in the past. I never pursued anyone for any type of relationship for being afraid of rejection. And yet the very thing I've always wanted was acceptance. Well, it's kind of hard to find that if I never pursue any friendships with anyone. I've learned that, and I've now made several friends because of that. I'm stepping out more than I used to. But I get discouraged sometimes. I make friends and then I push them away, and then I don't try to make friends like I should, and when I do make friends I tend to be insecure enough in that friendship to be a little panicky about losing those friends. And then I know I probably get a little weird at times because of that. I just keep trying to be myself and to open up around others, but I find that really hard to do sometimes. I get self-conscience and nervous. There again, I fear.

I also know that I've relied too much on my parents for things that I shouldn't have. I've allowed them to take care of me more than I should have. That's something I didn't realize until just a few months ago. So, here lately, I've been trying to rectify that by being a little more self-sufficient about certain things. I'm glad that my parents love me and care about me, but I don't think it's so good that they care for me enough to do things for me that really I ought to be doing for myself by now.

I've also learned not to be so naïve about a few things. Such as: most politicians will actually lie just to get elected; preachers do not equal God; I'm not the only person who struggles with certain things in life; most businesses are only in it for the money; some people will take advantage of you so long as they think they can get away with it; other denominations aren't necessarily worse than my own—some are actually better in several regards; and my parents aren't always right about everything.

I guess to sum everything up, I'm just wanting a new start. I've spent the last couple of years trying to grow up and discover myself and figure things out, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm being held back. I'd just like to get away from everything for awhile and start all over again with a fresh start. I'd like to actually begin my life rather than just trail along as I've been. I feel like I know better what I want now, and I'd like to go out and finally start getting those things. All I know is that I'm in the mood to take some risks, there's nothing holding me back, and I'm ready to get started. I'm anxious to get started. There's just so much I want to do and so many places I'd like to go.

Lord, please help me to find my way. Lead me in whatever direction you'd have me to go. And help me to be happy with my life and in whatever I do. Amen.