Sunday, January 6, 2008

Venting

Okay, so I'm in a mood. I'm just frustrated feeling. Really. I think I'm just so sick of so many people in my life, and I'm so sick of feeling stepped on by so many people. I've been trying to work through these feelings and keep my mind on God and to keep cool, but I just feel the need to vent. I'll do a preemptive apology now for the following.

First off, my brother is an idiot. There, I said it. I've never in my life known someone who could make so many stupid decisions on what should be some really easy decisions to make. I won't go into details, but it just really grates on my nerves that he could be so clueless about so many things. He isn't a dummy. I know that and I'll admit that, but it's just like he never thinks anything through, and he gets some of the weirdest of ideas sometimes that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; he keeps getting himself in trouble, people try to warn him against certain things, he won't listen, gets further in trouble, and then wonders why all the time. He's just really starting to get on my nerves with all his b---s---. If I didn't love him so much, and if he wasn't family, I'd probably have told him to take a hike already. I've never spent anymore time than I had to around other people like him, but, well... there you have it. He's my brother for better or worse and I guess I'll just have to put up with him. We've been through so much together that by this point, it would be kind of ridiculous to disown him.

Secondly, I'm tired of my grandparents always calling on me to do everything for them when there are four other grandchildren who could be called on from time to time. I don't understand why I'm always the only one who has to do all this crap for them while the others never do anything. I mean, if it's just that they like being around me more than the rest, I understand that, but there ARE other ways of being around me rather than having me do all these chores for them all the time. We could visit more often, call on the phone, go on a trip, etc. The thing is, when they call on me all the time for these things it just makes me not want to have anything to do with them. I've got things of my own to do, and it just gets on my nerves that I never have time for anything I'd like to do anymore because people are always asking and expecting things from me. And it pisses me off because I rarely ever ask anybody to do anything for me. I try to take care of myself as best I can without putting anybody out. And if by chance I do ask anyone for help, it's like I always get a no. “Dad, will you help me (or teach me how to) change the oil in my car?” Reply: “No”. “Brother, will you help me move this piece of furniture?” Reply: “No, not right now [five days later--maybe]”. “Friend, will you go to that group event/function/etc. with me?” Reply: “No”. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of feeling like I have to give of myself all the time and never get anything back from anyone else. And it's like if I do ask for help I'm usually made to feel like I'm the scum of the earth or something for asking. I don't understand it. And it's not that I do the things I do for other people in order to get something back from them. I'm glad I can help my grandparents. I'm glad I can do things for other people. But it would be nice if at least occasionally there would be something, anything, in return. It would be nice if occasionally somebody would return the favor.

This leads me to another issue. I'm tired of doing my best all the time and it never being good enough for anybody. I try to do my best at everything I do, and it's like nobody ever recognizes that. It's never good enough. I feel like I'm never good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for my parents, my brother, people at work, at church, and so on. Like Rodney Dangerfield always used to say: “No respect”. I don't get any respect. Mainly from my family though. It's like my family just thinks they can walk all over me all the time, and I'm getting so sick and tired of it. If it's not good enough, if I'm not good enough, then the way I see it, they can find someone else they think can do better and just leave me alone for a change.

I'm also mad at myself though. I've given in to a couple of things I shouldn't have—nothing too serious, but things I knew better than to do—and it's just been bugging me. I know that my acting out was really just a wrong response to some of the feelings I've had the last couple of days. But I also know that that doesn't justify anything. I'm trying not to linger too much on it though. I've asked God to forgive me and I'm trying not to do those things again and to move on. That's all I can do.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm just venting. Hopefully getting some of this off my chest will help some. I don't know. I'm sure, or at least I hope, that by this time tomorrow I'll be in a far better mood.

Sorry to be such a killjoy. I'll try to post something better next time.

5 comments:

RikFleming said...

FYI, the Bible is full of idiots.

The disciples were essentially the 12 stooges. Peter, an apostle? Are YOU kidding me? Oh puleeeeezzzeeee!

Jonah ran from God (duh!).

Aaron formed a golden calf and then had the balls to tell Moses, "Its the people! They made me do it!"

Balaam had a debate with his ass and lost!

I could go on and on...

But, my point is Jesus died for idiots and that not many wise or noble are called for He has chosen the foolish things to confound the world. (1 Cor. 1:26-29)

So, the next time you think that someone else is an idiot...

Beast said...

I'm sorry it's been hard for you lately. I trust the Holy Spirit has heart your frustration too. Praying for you my friend. Hope you can get a chance to share constructively a bit of what you feel to your family members so that they could help you feel better!

Beast

Brandon said...

I think I complain too much sometimes. I don't know. I try not to. I ended up having a really good day today at my grandparents. I had a lot of work to do. We stacked more wood in their basement than I think we've ever done before, took down the outside Christmas lights, and cleaned all the gutters, and I'm tired now, but I did enjoy being around my grandparents. I think they enjoyed being around me too. I also know that my grandparents have done so much for me in my life, and because of that, I know I have no right to complain about giving back to them a little--or even a lot. And I actually did enjoy the work. I always do. Working alongside my grandpa doing "manly" things always does add a shot of masculinity to my system, and that always feels good.

I know I also shouldn't have called my brother an idiot. It just hurts me to see him continuously making bad decisions all the time, and to hear him talk and see how lost and confused he is, and there's no reason for it. Ninety-five percent of the time it seems like it's just because of his own doing. I suppose that's probably what God must feel with most all of us a great deal of the time, isn't it? I think it's just easier for me to be mad at my brother rather than sad for him. Either way I do care for him. I miss him so much of the time it just literally hurts.

Pastor Dazed said...

" 9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. " - Gal. 6:9-10

Hang in there dude.

Brandon said...

Thanks, PD.