One Christian gay guy’s thoughts and experiences along this whirlwind journey called life.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Focus On God: A Change of Heart, A New Strategy
The last few weeks I've been trying to come to some logical understanding of my beliefs about homosexuality, and the way I should be responding to the homosexual desires that I have. Since just before Christmas I've been taking a different approach to how I fight those homosexual temptations. I've tried to put my thoughts into words several times now, about what this new approach or new strategy is, but nothing I've written has seemed to fully explain how I've been feeling and what I've been doing. So, I decided to be simple and just make a list of what I believe, what I want, and what I need to do in regards to overcoming homosexuality. The following is that list.
(1) I believe homosexual behavior is wrong.
(2) I don't believe God made me, or anyone else, gay. I don't believe He ever intended for anyone to have homosexual attractions.
(3) I believe it's possible for me to change my sexual attractions. With God, all things are possible as the Bible says, and I believe that includes even this.
(4) I want to change. However, if I am unable to change, or become straight, I want to be honest about that, and make the most of the situation, without losing hope.
(5) I don't need to get frustrated about what homosexual attractions or desires I have. God doesn't hold them against me, so why should I? They're nothing more than temptations, and no worse than any other temptation.
(6) I don't need to worry anymore about not gaining any attractions toward women. God doesn't require or demand of me to be attracted to women. If it happens, great, if not, it won't be the end of the world.
(7) I need to resist all homosexual temptations.
(8) I need to resist looking at pornography, masturbating, and creating sexual fantasies. These things only make me feel more homosexual.
(9) Whenever I am tempted, I need to go straight to God and pray for His help to be able to resist. I need to turn to Him whenever I see a temptation coming my way.
(10) If I do give into a particular temptation, I don't need to beat myself up for that or become all depressed about it. Rather, I should ask for God's forgiveness, accept His grace, and try harder the next time to not give in.
(11) The reason I don't want to give into temptations is because I love God and I don't want to hurt Him.
(12) I need to seek first the kingdom of God in all things. I need to ask myself if a particular action is one that God would want me to take. And I need to spend more time with God—in prayer, worship, reading His word, and being in fellowship with other believers—in order to help me know His will for my life.
(13) I need to trust God. I need to listen and accept what He tells me.
(14) I need to believe that whether my attractions change or not, things will work out as God has planned.
(15) I need to believe that God really does love me. He loves me even when I sin.
(16) I need to continue trying to see myself as God sees me; as somebody of worth and importance to Him.
(17) I need to continue trying to see others as God sees them. He sees them as He sees me. And I should have compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and love for them as God has for me.
(18) I need to continue trying to make friends. I love being able to love them and to be loved by them. They're a blessing in my life.
(19) I need to be more patient, more self-controlled, and less self-centered.
(20) I want to do more for God. I need to do more for God.
This is my new strategy, my new direction. I'm still in the fight, but I'm fighting smarter than I had been. I'm not worrying, I'm not getting frustrated—I'm being more patient and more honest with myself. And above all else, I'm putting my focus on God. I'm trusting Him and accepting His love and forgiveness, maybe for the first time in my life. I'm in this fight for Him. Not for me, but for Him. That's the difference, the change I've been trying to describe. I've got it now! It's all for Him. It's not about changing my attractions or about what I want. It's about loving God and trying to live my life the best I can for Him. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to try. And that's what I'm going to do. I think that's a cause worth really fighting for. It's a cause I really do want to fight for.