Saturday, January 9, 2010


God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and so He created woman from man, to be a helpmate to him. Woman was a gift to man, a being of similarity who man could talk to, share experiences, and ultimately love and create with. Woman was called good when she was created, and man accepted her and made her his. She was a blessing, as they both were, together.

Throughout most of my life, the better friendships I have had have been with women. That’s been true for as long as I can remember. I’ve often enjoyed more female activities/talk than I have enjoyed that by most other men. Naturally, because of that, the friendships I’ve had with women have been able to develop more easily because of this.

About a year and a half after I graduated high school, I made a decision to try in earnest to make friends with other men. At the time, I really don’t know that I can say I had any male friends. To correct this, I decided to take a job which forced me to have to be around a lot of other guys, and this in itself allowed me many opportunities for finding and developing commonalities with other men. What I came to realize was that I shared many interests with them. I began to see that I wasn’t as different as I’d always thought I was. And after a few years working at this particular job, I found myself becoming more mature and more comfortable among men. At the same time, however, I’ve found myself wanting less and less friendship from women.

I still tend to develop friendships with women much faster than with men, but in the last couple of years, particularly, I haven’t sought to encourage or seek out those friendships as I used to. To be brutally honest, I’ve found myself, at times, wanting nothing to do with women at all. This isn’t to suggest that I’m against women now. It’s just that the desire for their friendship hasn’t been of one of my greatest interests. And in saying that, I also do not mean that I’ve become unfriendly toward women. It just means that I’ve begun gravitating primarily toward trying to develop friendships and being around other men. My focus has been more on gaining their friendship than that of women.

The last few months, however, I have made a female friend whom I’ve felt closer to than any other woman in a long time. I know she is romantically interested in me, though I do not share this interest in her. I like her as a friend, but that is all. Earlier this week, we went to the movies together. I had a good time with her. But it was only a good time from a friend’s point of view. Had this outing become romantic in any sense of the word, I do not think I would have enjoyed being around her at all. I don’t want to lead her on, or make her think that I like her romantically, and I’ve tried my best not to, but I’m not sure how to break it to her that I don’t feel a return attraction for her without potentially ruining the friendship. Knowing that she feels this way about me just makes me want to run away from her altogether though. I find myself wanting nothing at all to do with her now.

I think of woman being a blessing to man. For me, I don’t think it is a blessing to have a woman to want to be with me. I never have thought of this as a blessing. And, when it happens, it makes me want to avoid women entirely. I don’t want a girlfriend, or a wife. In feeling this way, though, I can’t help but wonder if I’m rejecting something meant to be good—a gift or blessing from God.

Am I to always be alone? I have family. I have friends. Is that enough of a blessing in itself? I would like to think that it is. If it is, then how do I prevent myself from having such disdainful feelings toward women whom I feel are getting too close to me? How do I tell them that I only want friendship without potentially damaging that friendship? And herein lays another problem: should I tell them I’m gay? How should I handle this?


Aphra said...

I think it's better to tell the truth earlier than later. If you are already thinking of avoiding her then worrying about messing up the friendship doesn't make much sense! It's better to tell her if you are gay, or even if you are just confused so she doesn't get too attached to you in the wrong way.

Telling the truth deepens true friendships, I think!

Wishing you all the best in this.

Samantha said...

I agree. And she might be hurt at first, and need time to process the idea that you do not, and never will desire her sexually, but if she values you as a person and wishes to have you in her life, she'll figure out how to allow the relationship to morph into something platonic and healthy.

Also, by telling her the truth, you give her freedom, in essence, to seek a romantic relationship with someone else. That's important, and the longer you wait, the more attached she'll become to you and the more painful it will be for her to hear and accept the truth.

I wish you well. I have several opposite sex friends and they bless my life every day.

Samantha said...


Brandon said...

Aphra and Samantha,

Thanks for the advice. I've felt sort of like I'm in a balancing act with my friend lately, between spending just enough time with her to still be her friend, but staying away enough so that, hopefully, she won't develop some sort of an attachment to me or will just catch on that I don't like her like that. If she makes a move though, or I start sensing more definitely that she wants me for a boyfriend, I think I will just tell her the truth. I think you two are right. That'd be the best policy, rather than just stringing her along or something stupid like that.

stanw said...

Wow, running across your post today is interesting. I have a woman friend who fits the pattern of the one you described. She knows where I have been (SSA) and we've talked about it but whenever I am around her I get the distinct feeling she has ideas of getting closer. I want to be her friend but as you I back off when she gets too intense.

On a similar note, a while back I went for a talk with a Pastor friend I know. Near the end of our conversation he said he thought I needed a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I wanted to say NO, NO, NOT THAT! but I listened, even as he prayed at the end. I have thought much about it since and even at times lately find myself considering what a close relationship would be like for me with a woman. Can I get past the part of just being a friend and the trepidation inside of getting too close? As you said, "Am I rejecting something meant to be good-a gift or blessing from God?"

Look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on this dilemma.


naturgesetz said...

I forgot to start following your blog until a new comment on your "Broken" post reminded me of you. So now I'm following, and I've added you to the Blog List on my blog.

Now to this post. I agree that you should tell a woman you aren't interested in her romantically when it is evident that she is seeking a romantic relationship. I haven't seen enough of your blog to know how "out" you are. Obviously the more people you tell without first swearing them to silence, the wider and faster the information spreads. In principle, I see no problem with telling if you think it will help her accept your lack of interest.

I think it is healthy for you to have strong non-sexual friendships with men. It is even possible that they will be a stage in the healing of your own sexuality, if some theories are correct. But the friendships are good in any case.

As for the women, I think you can't force yourself to want to have a girlfriend or wife. So I would say you should be comfortable not wanting them to get "too close." Your feelings are largely spontaneous. But if you think you are becoming disdainful toward a particular woman, perhaps it will help if you remind yourself that it is not really the woman but the thought of a romantic relationship that is the problem.