I’ve went through several sad days lately…
I’ll be honest, I really don’t even feel like writing this. I just feel like letting it all be over. I’m so tired of feeling sad all the time. I lose everything. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. And what little there is, what the hell difference does it make? What good am I to anyone? I really don’t think anyone in my life right now wants me at all. My parents don’t, my brother doesn’t, my nephews don’t. Friends? What friends? Who the fuck do I ever hang out with? Whoever wanted to?
I’m sorry. It’s just been an incredibly horrible last few years. And I just feel so completely alone and lost right now.
5 comments:
Hi Brandon,
I've just had a few of those days too. Or more than a few. You and I have believed a lie from God's enemy and ours - the father of lies.
Here is the truth: We are precious. We express a unique facet of the Great God that no other being ever can. We are so dear to God that he gave his own Son, and suffered pain we can hardly relate to in order to rescue us.
We are beautiful, no matter what anyone else sees. We are beautiful because we were made that way by a beautiful God. Our sin might cover up our beauty and worth, and make us look like cheap garbage, but underneath the dull tarnish of our weakness, we are pure silver. Because we were made that way. And God has rescued us from our sin. He has already done it - fought for us and won, by the shedding of his own blood.
"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close." Psalm 27:10
"Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands." (Isaiah 49: 15-16)
"The mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from you, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, says the LORD that has mercy on you. O you afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, and lay your foundations with sapphires. And I will make your pinnacles of agates, and your gates of carbuncles, and all your walls of precious stones." (Isaiah 54:10-12)
Even when it feels like the lie is real, and you think through your whole life and feel like it has been a waste, and it all looks like you are just a big screw-up and can't be anything different - remember that it's a lie. We are not without sin, but God is changing that, and he is revealing the deep value in us underneath that sin. He has a purpose for the exact person you are, and he will use even your weakness to bring about his purpose. He will use you to show who he is - Truth, Light, Life, Love.
Hold on to the truth, especially when the lie grips you tight and you begin to think you are alone. The truth is, we are NEVER alone. He is ALWAYS with us. Beside us, all around us. We are wrapped in his love most when we feel it least.
Take heart, my brother. I have felt this pain, but there is an end. Rescue is coming.
Brandon, I haven't been able to talk much the past couple of days, but dude, seriously, I was where you are in this post just a few days ago myself.
I love you, Brandon. You've been a HUGE encouragement to me, believe it or not. Your last email was a breath of fresh air to me, and I have not stopped praying for you.
*hugs*
To feel that unloved and unwanted and unneeded must be really sad. Of course you know that God loves you, but some human love is also important.
If there is nobody you ever hang out with (which sounds like my life at times), are there people you used to hang out with whom you've just drifted apart from? Could you restart the friendship/acquaintanceship? If not, it might be a good idea to get out and go places and do things where you might occasionally meet congenial people. They should be things you enjoy for their own sake. You won't necessarily meet people at once, but over time you can make a few friends that way.
As for having nothing to look forward to, that is one facet of not knowing the future. But what you can be sure of is that there will be changes in your life over the years, and something you find fulfilling and worthwhile can come along (or be sent by God).
So hang in there.
I always look forward to your posts- your honest wrestling always helps me.
Wishing you light in your dark time.
I know I'm a few months late in saying this, but thank you all for your encouragement. Your words still encourage me. :)
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