Monday, June 11, 2012

A Reasonable Doubt

I don’t know.

That sentence is one I’ve had to say several times in the last year.  There are a lot of things I haven’t had an answer for.  Why did my grandma have to die the way she did?  Why wasn’t I able to get hired when I thought I should?  How much longer am I going to have to wait to get a place of my own?  Is it okay for me to have a boyfriend?

Those are each just a few of the things I’ve asked myself and God many times over.

I almost had my mind made up on that last question, but it’s one that keeps giving me pause.  I don’t think I can do it.  As much as I’d love to have a boyfriend, and as many reasons as I have to think it would be okay for me to, I just can’t put aside two particular reasons to make it alright.  One of those reasons is biology.  I just can’t get my mind around the thought that two men or two women are physically designed for sex with each other—even though sex with another man seems as natural a sort of thing for me to want and to do.  In some regards, I don’t think it matters, but in a few it does (to me at least).  And then there is the fact that for me to have a boyfriend, I’d be going against the authority of the church.  And if I say I think the church is wrong in this regard, then how could it perhaps not also be wrong in many others?  And what sort of witness would I be to others with that sort of mindset?  Not a very good one, I think.  These are the two predominant reasons for why, at least for now, I just really don’t think I can bring myself to change course.  I have a reasonable doubt that just won’t allow me to do that.

With this in mind, I know I need more strength.  The last few months have just been so exhausting and so hard in many different ways.  It’s been tough not just throwing all my beliefs aside.  And it’s been tough knowing what to believe.  But I know, for the time being, I just can’t bring myself to believe that having a boyfriend would be okay.  I can’t make that change in my life.


naturgesetz said...

I think both of your reasons are sound ones. And you can expand on the biology reason by considering that our biology is part of the design of our Creator.

God bless you as you continue to pray — with Jesus is the Garden — not my will but thine be done.

Perhaps it will be a little easier if you treat the matter as settled (at least provisionally), because the more you focus on "I wish I could have a boyfriend," the tougher you make it on yourself not having one. Instead why not see what you can do without a boyfriend — what good things there can be in your life, what satisfactions? I 'm sure that one thing that has helped me to remain celibate for the 60+ years since I realized I'm same sex attracted was that I never thought of sex with a guy as something that might be morally allowable.

Joe said...

I feel you man. Living a life that always seems in contradiction to one's belief is utterly exhausting. I hope you will be able to enter into some time where the weight will feel lifted.

Jack said...

I also can sympathize. The whole inner conflict is tiring, but I've found that instead of thinking on these things, just enjoying what I have helps. Living life like this stinks for sure... But, we have Hope and Help. There is SOME purpose in it all. There has to be. Anyway, you're not alone in this; not at all! Keep your head up, one day some of this HAS to make better sense to us.


Anonymous said...

Unless the Holy Spirit tells you to not have a boy friend and wait to change I'd say it's up to you. Those who are led by the Spirit of God are the Sons of God, always remember the letter kills but the Spirit gives life, but the only way to know sometimes is to try things out and if you feel no peace then examine that and see what you find out.

Anonymous said...

Basically i'm saying don't sit around pissing and moaning. If you don't receive a word from God trial and error my boy.

Anonymous said...

And if you wanna chat sometime email me or something