That sentence is one I’ve had to say several times in the last year. There are a lot of things I haven’t had an answer for. Why did my grandma have to die the way she did? Why wasn’t I able to get hired when I thought I should? How much longer am I going to have to wait to get a place of my own? Is it okay for me to have a boyfriend?
Those are each just a few of the things I’ve asked myself and God many times over.
I almost had my mind made up on that last question, but it’s one that keeps giving me pause. I don’t think I can do it. As much as I’d love to have a boyfriend, and as many reasons as I have to think it would be okay for me to, I just can’t put aside two particular reasons to make it alright. One of those reasons is biology. I just can’t get my mind around the thought that two men or two women are physically designed for sex with each other—even though sex with another man seems as natural a sort of thing for me to want and to do. In some regards, I don’t think it matters, but in a few it does (to me at least). And then there is the fact that for me to have a boyfriend, I’d be going against the authority of the church. And if I say I think the church is wrong in this regard, then how could it perhaps not also be wrong in many others? And what sort of witness would I be to others with that sort of mindset? Not a very good one, I think. These are the two predominant reasons for why, at least for now, I just really don’t think I can bring myself to change course. I have a reasonable doubt that just won’t allow me to do that.
With this in mind, I know I need more strength. The last few months have just been so exhausting and so hard in many different ways. It’s been tough not just throwing all my beliefs aside. And it’s been tough knowing what to believe. But I know, for the time being, I just can’t bring myself to believe that having a boyfriend would be okay. I can’t make that change in my life.