Dear Reader

An anonymous reader wrote the following comment to me regarding my last post. Because he or she questioned some of my motives concerning this blog, and my own dealings with homosexuality, I thought it relevant to simply respond in the fashion of a reply letter in the context of a post. If you are still out there, dear reader, this is for you.

ANONYMOUS WRITES:

Brandon,

To be honest with you I doubt your desire to "maybe reach out contact a few friends". It seems like you are longing for a deep connection.

And the reason you feel so uncertain about contacting the one person you seem to be expressing an intense interest in is probably because on some level your motives are not really in the right place, compounded by the fact that your relationship was never really that strong or honest.

If this was truly a friend in which you genuinly had a strong trust bond with, or both of your feelings were really in the right place, you probably would not feel so uncomfortable contacting him at this point in time.

It could be that inwardly you know the futility of the relationship, but may be projecting your feelings of loneliness onto him to satisfy what you percieve to be lacking in your life at this time.

It is a classic pattern of emotional dependance -- always searching for that which you know in your heart os out of reach, rather than being satisfied with the things you can create for yourself, with God's help of course.

I also want to share my thoughts regarding your blog title, since you put it out there for the world.

Apparently you get some form of an emotional fix out of identifying as gay. I find this to be a curious thing for those who believe homosexuality in immoral according to scripture and that it greatly displeases God.

This does not glorify God but the sin nature. God never condems sickness in scripture but he does condem sin. In stating such you also imply that homosexuality is a fixed state of being. It certailnly is not.

Every moment that you are not wrapped up in homosexual thinking, how can you call yourself gay?

As a man thinks so is he.

I also do not see why one would place links to homosexual sites if they do not believe homosexuality is morally upright.

Is it to appear cool and openminded, or do you wish to put a gun in the hand of vunerable individuals and say, oh just dont pull the trigger. Or here it is, just in case you want to pull the trigger.

In all honesty I do not think that if Christ were here in the flesh today and writing a blog that he would in fact place links to pro homosexual websites just in case anyone was interested.

There is enough information already out there for people who want pro gay information. Must you really contribute?

I happen to see this practice on a number of blogs and I find it to be quite a misguided practice by those who have a clouded view of Christ's message.

I have discovered that 99 percent of the time when I am in such deep emotional dispare and loneliness it is the result of me going off course with God and sin issues.

It is perhaps an uncomfortale truth, but it is the truth. Even as I sit and write this I deal with some of the same issues in a lot of ways.

But God is always faithful and when we are truly willing to give up the idols we cling to the sun begins to break forth and shine.

It may be time to rise above your struggles and feelings and let go of the gay identity as well as any inference that you support the activities and mindsets that God tells us through scripture that he hates.

MY REPLY:

Dear Anonymous,

I think you are reading too much into my last post and didn’t entirely understand what I was getting at. All I was trying to express was that it has been a long time since I made contact with a few friends, and they are friends that I miss a great deal. They are close friends, and I do trust them emphatically. The problem is that I sometimes struggle to a great degree being able to interact with others. This includes people I am close to. It is not that I feel ashamed of contacting them or that I have any ulterior motives to our friendships to feel conflicted about, but rather a certain almost inability to be sociable at times. It is just hard for me to know how to interact with others; and this is something that has recently prevented me from reaching out to a few friends who I haven’t been able to be around for some time now.

I often wonder if the reason for this is that I fear rejection—something Naturgesetz suggested in his comment to my last post. A lot of it, I’m sure goes back to those feelings of inferiority that I mentioned a couple of posts back though. Maybe I’m just afraid of putting myself out there and worrying too much of what others are going to think of me. For whatever the reason, all I can say is that it is just difficult for me to be around others sometimes.

As for emotional dependency, that is not a theory that I put much stock into. Of course people can get a bit obsessive at times, and there really are some people out there who are just mentally unstable and place more into a relationship than ever should have been merited. However, emotional dependency, as I believe you to be defining it, is a contradiction on many levels. There is nothing wrong with having your emotions tied to some extent in the relationships you have with others. This is only natural, seeing that relationships cannot sustain without some level of emotion between the two parties involved. It should feel good to be around certain people we like, admire, love, or care for. One should just keep in mind that good feelings and good friends do not always go hand in hand. You can be around good friends and still not feel good. But to enjoy and want to spend time with others, especially for someone like me who rarely ever spends time around anyone, should not be considered such a bad thing. I honestly believe God made us to desire being in relationship with each other and that it is a healthy thing for us.

As for the title of my blog and identifying as gay, or homosexual, I do that because I consider it to be a form of honesty on my part. I suppose I should define my terms though.

I identify as gay not because I regularly have sex with other men, but because I am attracted to other men. I define myself as gay on this blog because I have dedicated this blog to discussing that particular part of my life. I do not go around thinking of myself as gay, or thinking about gay things, all day long though. I am just me living my life. But this blog does deal with that part of my life concerning my attractions to other men. I label myself as gay because, to me, anyone who is sexually attracted to others of the same sex is gay. I am therefore gay by that definition.

By that standard, I am neither glorifying nor condemning sin by admitting my sexual preference, but simply stating a fact of my being. I am a man who is sexually attracted to other men. It is no different than me stating the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, my height, weight, complexion, or personality type. And, rather than lie and say that I am straight, or attracted to women, when I am not, I would rather just be honest and admit the current state I am in.

Now, about posting links to sites that promote homosexuality. I include those sites on my blog because they are written by people I like, who cover certain topics at times which I think do help people who are struggling with their sexuality. I am also not opposed to listening to the arguments or opinions of people I disagree with. It has nothing to do with wanting or trying to look cool, and certainly has nothing to do with trying to tempt others. If you have been tempted because of my blog, I apologize for that. It was not my attempt, nor desire to cause such a thing.

Concerning what Christ would do today, in all honesty to you, I do not think Christ would turn a blind eye, disavow, push away, ignore, belittle, or pretend that homosexuals or others engaged in sin simply do not exist. Jesus was a friend to sinners. He ate with them, spoke to them, helped them, and even loved them, which was something the Pharisees couldn’t understand and hated him for. If I am doing anything, it is attempting to live by Christ’s example. I am a friend to sinners and I will not push them away. Likewise, I will not refuse to hear them out when their views differ from my own, nor turn my back on them when or if they ever need my help or a shoulder to fall back on. How else could I ever know them, the problems they face, or ever truly be able to disciple to them?

Furthermore, if you have read much of my blog at all, you should know that my mind is not 100% made up on whether or not I believe God indeed does condemn homosexual acts. I tend to believe more often than not that he does condemn, or disapprove, of them. I do, however, have some very real doubts about that. I have several reasons to believe that God might actually not have any problems with homosexual relationships. If having that doubt causes me to appear open-minded, that is because my mind, to some extent, is open on the matter and not completely solidified yet behind either position. Be this right or wrong, it is where I am at right now.

As for despair and loneliness, I do think those can be caused, as you said, by going off course from God or by indulging or falling into sin. Despair, or hopelessness, in particular, really is a lack of faith. It can only truly exist when we lose our faith in God’s will, His protection, or His judgment. It is simply giving up hope when we should have every reason to hope through God. Loneliness, on the other hand, I believe can be caused by more than our own actions though. Sometimes we may just not be able to be around others through reasons not necessarily of our own making, and be lonely simply by missing them or missing regular forms of human contact. Sin, in general, however, can be the result of many things. I do not always fault a person, nor do I believe God always condemns a person, for all the sins they commit. Nor do I believe that every bad feeling or every problem a person experiences in life is due to themselves having committed some sin. We should learn this from the story of Job if nothing else.

I appreciate your concern for me. I know that is why you commented to me in the first place. I hope I have clarified my positions and thoughts somewhat more clearly though. And I hope you can understand, whether I am right or wrong, the mindset from which I have based my decisions. I know I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life, and that I have committed many sins. I am far from a perfect person, and I’m sure I require all the patience and forgiveness from God He is willing to give me. With these things in mind, I will continue to think upon the concerns and advice you have given me.

Sincerely,

Brandon

M.I.A.

I seem to be at a loss of words, though I know I really do need to speak and reach out. Call it whatever you will, but there really are times when I find myself for a loss of words. I’ve wanted desperately to write to a few friends today, but I haven’t been able to think of what in the world I’d even say to them. It’s been so long since I’ve written to them.

Would a friend mind if you wrote, called, or visited after a long absence? Would the friendship still be the same? What if you literally don’t have the slightest idea about what’s even going on in their lives? One friend of mine, I really don’t have a clue what’s going on with him: where he’s living at now, what job he’s doing, if he even has a job, etc. And I wonder whether or not too much time has passed now for us to have the same sort of close friendship we used to have. Does he even really consider me a friend anymore? And why hasn’t he written back to me? Why haven’t I visited, called, or written to him lately? And has it even been that long? Would I be annoying him or coming across too clingy or desperate to contact him right now?

I can be so full of self-doubt sometimes that it’s ridiculous. I’m probably worrying about nothing, filling my head full of a bunch of nonsense. I should probably just drop a few lines including a greeting and a quick “Hi! How are you?” and move along. But why do I find this so hard to do? Why can’t I just reach out to people? Why must any form of human contact always be so difficult for me?

Inferior

I have often felt very different from other men, and until more recent years, found it nearly impossible to identify with them on almost anything. Because of this, I have felt inferior to them, as if I was somehow less than them. There are many reasons for this, some of which date as far back as when I was an infant. And it’s been a great struggle at times dealing with this.

After years of looking at other men as if they were better, I have come to realize that on a very human level, no one is better than me—and I am no better than anyone else. Everyone has a weakness, or many weaknesses. Everyone struggles with something, falls short at times, or hasn’t always lived up to their fullest potential. I am no different.

Being gay is something that has often bothered me. Growing up and developing those attractions to other men was never anything I wanted. And when they did develop, I fought them with everything I could. But I know that being gay is something that made me feel so much lesser than other men. I knew that nearly all other men were attracted to women, that that was the normal way of things, and yet I wasn’t “normal” in that regard. I knew I didn’t act as much like other men either, or have a lot of the same sort of likes or interests (things I was frequently made fun of for while growing up). I have never enjoyed sports of most kinds, and those I did enjoy, very few other men I knew ever did. There are just a lot of differences I’ve recognized over the years between myself and other men like that. And, until recent years, these were differences that I allowed to ruin my self-image and self-worth.

I have never wanted to believe that I could hate myself, but looking back over much of my life, I can see that I have done just that for a good portion of it. I haven’t liked myself very much, and have at times even hated myself.

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve been brought to a very certain conclusion though: I am not less than others. I don’t have to be perfect; I’m not perfect. And I don’t have to allow what others think of me to dictate how I think of me. I can’t please everyone, and there’s no reason for me to try to. I just have to be me, and enjoy being me. I have to be the person God knows and loves and wants. That’s what really matters more than anything else. And when I know that, what is there to feel inferior about?

I feel so much sorrow for other gay men or youths who can’t ever seem to grasp how wonderful they really are. It saddens my heart to hear of a person who has killed himself or herself because they are gay (or for any other reason really). I know there is no good reason for a person to feel bad about being gay. And it is an inexcusable travesty for any person to purposefully try to make a person feel bad about things they cannot control about themselves. I do not believe I can control who I find attractive, nor what color my skin is, nor my height, nor my ethnicity, nor my place of origin. Some things just are, and those things should be okay. They shouldn’t be ridiculed or placed at a lesser value than whatever is traditionally considered the “norm”.

Too often I look back at my life and wish for things to be as they used to be. But in this regard, I certainly do not. I don’t miss those old feelings of inferiority. I don’t miss thinking, believing, and feeling like I was some sort of a freak, unworthy of even occupying the same space as others.

Certain things really do get better the older you get. You begin to realize how unimportant the beliefs of others can be. You begin to realize how much better your life can be if you just learn to live it in the way that’s only truly best for you. You begin to realize how imperfect others are as well—even the ones you believed were the most perfect people in all of the world. You can begin to experience true freedom and self worth.

I know I’m not perfect. But I also know that I really do like a lot of things about me. And I know that I’m not inferior to anyone else. Nor is anyone else inferior.