Mindsets

To say I was feeling low last Wednesday would be a severe understatement. That last post reflects a lot of my thoughts lately: I’m alone, my family doesn’t want me around, I can’t make friends, I’m tired of fighting, I don’t have but a thread of strength left in me, I have trouble trusting, my faith is shaken, I don’t understand what God’s trying to teach me, I want a boyfriend… the list just seems to go on and on.

I’m sorry if I freaked anyone out. I have just felt so completely conflicted about so many things lately. And even though there are things I know I can look forward to, I just can’t seem to build up any sort of optimism within me for any of those things at the moment.

I know I’ve just not been in the best frame of mind lately. I know I need to figure certain things out for myself, and it’s just not happening. I keep trying, wanting, praying, and seeking for life to get better. I’m trying all I can to keep hope that it will, but my strength and resolve and trust just haven’t really been there like I know it should be.

Thanks to everyone who’s tried to cheer me up or encourage me. I really appreciate each of your prayers and concern. Maybe next time I can write about something a little better.

Another Sad Day

I’ve went through several sad days lately…

I’ll be honest, I really don’t even feel like writing this. I just feel like letting it all be over. I’m so tired of feeling sad all the time. I lose everything. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. And what little there is, what the hell difference does it make? What good am I to anyone? I really don’t think anyone in my life right now wants me at all. My parents don’t, my brother doesn’t, my nephews don’t. Friends? What friends? Who the fuck do I ever hang out with? Whoever wanted to?

I’m sorry. It’s just been an incredibly horrible last few years. And I just feel so completely alone and lost right now.

Lipton's Questions

1. What is your favorite word?
Serene

2. What is your least favorite word?
Hate

3. What turns you on?
Humor, history, teaching, and... men with their shirts off.

4. What turns you off?
People who are closed-minded, arrogant, selfish, or impatient.

5. What sound do you love?
Two: my nephews laughing, and the gentle rumbling of thunder off in the distance.

6. What sound do you hate?
Alarm clocks

7. What is your favorite curse word?
My favorite is “hell,” though I know I say “f**k” much more often.

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Architect

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Mechanic

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
“I told you I’d save a place for you.”

False Witness

Stories like this one really infuriate me.

So, an 11 year old girl gets pissed off with her dad. She accuses him of rape. The dad gets sentenced to more than 15 years in prison. Then, after 9 years in prison, the girl, a 23 year old at this point, recants her testimony and admits that she made the whole thing up. Absolutely pathetic! And as if it wasn't bad enough that this guy had to lose 9 years of his life because his daughter was a messed up brat, local prosecutors don't want to press charges against the girl for fear it will discourage individuals in similar circumstances from stepping forward. Similar circumstances? By that, do they mean other girls who have lied about such things? This girl ought to at least be changed with obstruction of justice, not to mention perjury. It all just goes to show how screwed up our legal system is sometimes.

How Far

Since late 2006, I’ve saved many of the written conversations/emails I’ve had with people online. I did this, in part, because I wanted to be able to keep up with it all, helping in my being able to respond. But I also just wanted to keep a record of things that was said so that I wouldn’t forget. I’ve always thought of emails as letters, so this just sort of made sense to do anyway—I’ve rarely ever thrown a real letter away, and that goes for birthday and holiday cards as well.

A few nights ago, I went back and began reading through some of those older emails. I read things I’d completely forgot about, and even from people I’d forgot about. I saw at times how clueless I’d been about certain things, how arrogant I was, or selfish. At other times, I saw the complete opposite of that. I saw the frustrations, worry, anger, joy, and excitement of others. I saw that of myself, too. I saw victories and downfalls. I saw how weak and yet how very strong people, including myself, can be at times. I saw how desperate we all are for intimacy, affection, friendship, and love. I saw how much we all seek the truth. I saw this even from those who’d hated, belittled, and disagreed with me so strongly as to wish me dead. Yes, even those people were in search of the truth. I may not have seen it at the time, but looking back, I can see it now. In all of it, though, I saw just how far I’ve traveled in life. I saw how much I’ve grown as a person, and how much others have grown as well.

Afterward, I felt such a great sense of humility. We are all so much the same. We’re all just trying to figure out how to deal with life and make life the best we can. Some of us stumble along the way, get confused, or get sidetracked, but it is all still in the pursuit of doing what we think is best.

I’ve often been told that looking back is a bad thing. Maybe at times it is, but I think at other times it isn’t. I’m glad I went back and read through so many of those emails though. It helped me feel reconnected with people in a way that I can only describe as awe-inspiring. It reminded me just how great and how many friendships I’ve developed over the last few years. And it helped me see where I began, and just how I got to be where I’m at right now.

I titled this blog Afterthoughts on a Whirlwind Journey. I’ve questioned that decision many times, but after having read those emails the other night, I see how completely appropriate it was. We are all on a journey. And sometimes it really is good to look back, if for nothing more than to see just how far we’ve come in life.

Forgiving

“It’s okay.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It no longer matters.”

“I forgive you.”

“You’re forgiven.”

Those five sentences are some of the most powerful any person can ever hope to hear. Guilt, grief, regret, and sorrow are four things most people experience at some time in their lives. They can be four of the most destructive feelings, or they can be four of the most motivating and transformative.

Most of us have done things we feel bad about. We can let that consume us to the point of being overcome by negative emotions and actions, or we can learn from them and change our actions, accepting forgiveness for ourselves from self and from others.

I remember having a friend (one of few) at a daycare I went to when I was little. We played together a bunch. He was a few years younger than me. One day while we were out on the playground, he crossed the fence and went onto the adjoining field. The lady that watched us yelled for him from the house to come back. I remember standing by the fence calling at him as well. He came back, and as he crossed over into the yard, I spanked him and fussed at him. The lady that watched us stopped me though, and I wound up in trouble myself for what I’d done to him. I don’t remember us ever being friends after that.

I look back at this and it bothers me. It has ever sense it happened. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done, but I use it now to get a point across: people can be bothered by things they did so many years ago, and from such a young age (I was probably only six or seven), that probably all others have no recollection at all about. I seriously doubt that young boy, the lady that watched us, or any of the other kids remember what happened at all. And yet, I do, and it’s something I have felt regret about.

The wrongs that we do always have consequences. Some are worse than others. Knowing there can be forgiveness though, is one of the best things we can have. Whether we’re offered forgiveness from others, or forgive ourselves, or get it from God, forgiveness has the power to transform so much about us. When we have forgiveness, this transformation is for the good, freeing us to move forward in life. When we do not have forgiveness, however, this transformation can be for the bad, holding us back or causing us to commit further wrongs.

Sin is so very dangerous. When we sin we stain our souls in such a way that none of us could ever imagine. Even the smallest of sins has the power to destroy everything about us. God knows this. He knows how much damage we cause ourselves and others. And yet He loves us enough to forgive us. He loves us enough to have offered himself as a payment for our sins. How greater a gift could any of us ever hope to have? It is the best gift, forgiveness. It is one that to not accept is so incredibly sad.

I’ll admit, in the past, forgiving myself has been the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve held many things over my head for years, and struggled mercilessly to stop doing. What helps when someone does this is to start out with accepting and knowing that God truly does offer forgiveness. When you accept Christ into your life, all those wrongs are washed away, forgotten, put aside. They’re no longer held against you. If God can do that for you, then surely you can do that for yourself.

When we accept forgiveness, we feel the weight of that sin leave us forever. When we accept forgiveness, we no longer have to carry that burden which has held us down. It’s gone.

Imagine how much freer we’d all feel if we could accept forgiveness, in all of its forms, at all times.

How much better off would you be?

A Little Room

I can't help but find this kid's letter amusing. Just goes to show that we all need a little room/space sometimes.