Falling Forward

I seem to be at somewhat of a turning point in my life. I've been out of school for several years now, but I'm about to be going back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this. I'm excited about it, because I have been wanting to go back, but I guess I'm nervous because it's a new school (I'd went to a different one previously) and I'm still not convinced that the degree I'm going back for is the one I want. As if that wasn't enough to cause me some doubts, I may also have to quit my job in order to go. All of my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know I'll be able to change my work schedule to be off on those days, but that also means I'll have to work the rest of the days of the week and will have no days off for at least two or three months this fall. I think I can probably handle this, but I know I'm usually at my weakest when tired. It's when I'm tired that I most often give into temptations. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or negative in my thinking, but prepared. So, I've sort of mixed feelings about getting back in school.

Another turning point may be a little more spiritual in nature. I've given a lot of thought about stepping aside from a few of the leadership roles I've had at my church. I'm not yet convinced about doing this, but it's just something that's been on my mind for a while now. I get so frustrated with working on certain matters alongside some of the people at my church. I've found that when there is a conflict, I have trouble separating that from what should be the true purposes of church. I let the conflict consume me more than I should and cause me to have harsh feelings for what truly are really good people. I guess I hold a grudge. Because of that, I've seriously considered stepping aside. I've thought a lot about what church should be about and what my focus should be while there. Lately, I don't think I've been thinking of church in the right way. I've been thinking too heavily upon some of the conflicts and blocking out true worship of Jesus Christ among fellow saints. I've been thinking too negatively about the church. And so I know I either need to step aside, or figure out some other way of putting aside those negative feelings. Either choice is a hard decision to make. I've struggled some with knowing what God wants me to do about this. I feel like if I stay in the leadership roles I'm in, I'll be able to make a positive difference for a lot of people, but struggle to keep my focus on Jesus. But if I do step aside, I feel like I might feel closer to Christ and those in my church, but that I won't be able to do as much for others. So, there's my dilemma. I'm not sure which decision would bring about the most good. I just know I can't stay in this current state.

The last few weeks I have struggled a great deal with anger. Not just anger, but stress and worry as well. I've been bothered by things at church, at home, at work, and it's just all sort of overwhelmed me. I feel like there's no refuge or place I can get away. A friend at work recently told me that I'm one of those people who just bottles everything up and then finally explodes and goes off on everyone. I can see that in myself. I do tend to bottle up my emotions a great deal of the time. It's hard for me to let others know how I'm thinking or feeling. This blog has been an exercise for me in overcoming that. But I do tend to hold onto my emotions a great deal more than I should sometimes. I get frustrated with people who make dumb decisions and won't listen to any reasoning, and it angers me when their wrong decisions effect me in some negative consequence, or effects others in the same way. I find it so hard to give these sorts of feelings over to God, or to express them in healthy ways. When I get angry or frustrated or stressed, I tend to find myself not caring so much about what sins I commit. I begin to distance myself from God and others. I begin cussing like a sailor, which is something I really detest. I can't stand hearing that sort of talk from others, and it kills me how often I tend to just blurt out one of those little four-letter words without even thinking about it. I cringe practically every time I do. And I find myself giving into so many other things as well. It's just that I have a hard time working through my emotions. That's something I'm certainly going to be working more on. But in working through these things I'm hoping to improve my spiritual life some. I don't want to be holding any grudges and distancing myself from the church and those in it.

So, in short, I guess I could say that life is tough and sad and exciting and joyous and all the rest. I don't imagine that's a surprise to anyone reading. There are ups and downs to everything in this life. I guess the trick is to keep falling forward and to always place trust in God. I'm sure if I let Him, He'll lead me exactly where I'm supposed to go, and everything will work out as it should.

If It Makes Me Happy

Why is it that when I tell people I don't want to be gay, that I don't like who I am when I act on those feelings, that I become unhappy about my life and who I am when I do, that they insist I should do those things in order to be happy? Do they refuse to listen to me when I say that I'm not happy living like that? Does it anger them that I—heaven forbid—don't just follow the gay crowd and make all that is gay sound as glamorous and good as I possibly can? Whatever the reason, I wish those who continuously insist I should just accept myself as being a gay man and go out and find myself a boyfriend would realize that that's not what will make me happy. My nature keeps drawing me toward wanting to be with another man, but I've never found any happiness from pursuing those feelings or thoughts. I find myself miserable when I do that. But I find myself happiest when I put those thoughts to the side and strive to see myself in a different light, as God sees me. That being the case, why would anyone ever think that the way for me to be happy would be for me to do what makes me unhappy? The logic of that makes no sense to me. Is it a purely political response why you'd suggest that? Or is it something else?

Perhaps it bothers some people that I actually find happiness out of not accepting myself as gay. A couple of posts back, I mentioned how much better I've felt accepting Jesus more fully into my life, and letting Him take away some of those feelings I've had. And I have to say it's puzzled me by how many people seemed to misunderstand or reject the notion of that. Did you not understand what I was saying? I've found a companion in life who is everything good and loving that can ever be. That companion is Jesus. And since I've come to this realization, I've felt better than I have in years. Maybe better than I've ever felt. I feel like I belong to someone now and I am loved. Why would I ever want to go back to the way I felt before? What good would that do me?

I have felt good lately. I know I am loved. I know I belong. I know that it doesn't matter so much that I'm different in a lot of ways from most other guys. I know my best friend is walking alongside me, always leading me, nudging me, and helping me forward in life with each breath that I take. I have something good now.

I know I've tended to use this forum as a means of letting off steam. Maybe I shouldn't do that as often, or in the same way. In my last post, I voiced my frustration concerning my preacher. It did hurt me the way he treated me. But there again, I know I shouldn't have let it hurt me the way it did. I know this man cares about me. He'd have never offered to meet with me in the first place if he didn't. I know I just get frustrated about things a lot of the time. I don't understand how to relate to people. I don't understand their actions and responses sometimes. I have trouble knowing how to interpret them. Are they joking or are they being serious? Sometimes I can't tell. So I get frustrated, and mostly with myself. I get angry somewhat easily as well and I know I certainly overreact at times. I tend to be a glass is half full sort of person, and I tend to take everything personally. I know that none of that sort of thinking does me any good.

I know that I have so much to be positive about. I have so much to be thankful for. I have friends to spend time with. I have a family, and I know they love me. I have a church where I can make a difference and the Lord can use me for His own purposes. But the thing I'm most thankful for, most happy about, what makes me happy, is that I have Jesus in my life. I feel so much love and hope and joy and excitement, and all those bad feelings leave me whenever I just keep my focus on Him. I've felt so much at peace lately about who I am. And no matter what anybody else says, I know I'll be happiest following Jesus. He makes me happy. And He makes me a better person. He helps me resist temptations. He gives me patience and understanding. He calms me down and helps me to think better thoughts and to be more positive and hopeful in life.

Now let me explain something. I don't want anyone to think that I've found happiness by masturbating to the thought of Jesus or any other sort of nonsense like that. What I've been trying to say is that I feel like I belong to someone now. I feel like I have a partner in this life. I'm not alone. And with that being the case, why would I need a romantic relationship with anyone else? What would be the point? I can tell Jesus anything and know I can trust Him. I can always count on His love for me. I can always count on Him to comfort me and help me. I can spend any amount of time I want with Him. He never rejects me. He never pushes me away. He never abuses me. The most intimate relationship I've ever had with anyone is with Him. And if I'm crazy for feeling this way, well at least I'm happy in my craziness. I don't regret it. I can honestly say it's the best thing that's ever happened to me—to be crazy for Jesus.

And just one more thing, concerning this blog. The purpose of this blog is not to tear people down, or anything else like that. I write this blog, mostly, to help me process some of my thoughts or feelings. I write this blog to help me keep from bottling everything up. But I also write it because I want other people who share in similar struggles to know that they're not alone. I want other people to have a place where they can find community, understanding, and reassurance of God's love for them. And now I'll ask, is that really such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing if people find something good out of this blog that helps them to live a better life? And is it wrong for me to find happiness in following Christ and letting Him take control of my life? I don't think so.

Why?

I don't understand people sometimes. I'd felt really great for a few weeks now, and yet, for some reason, this week everything has just went to crap. It's just in everyone's attitudes. People at work, at church, at home, everywhere I've went and everyone I've been around just seems to have this snotty attitude. I'll admit maybe it's just me, I don't know. Surely not everyone is being this way.

I was hurt yesterday though. I'd called my preacher and asked if he would meet with me for a few minutes at our church, because there were a few things I just needed some advice about. Most importantly, a teen in our congregation had come to me and asked for help because he thinks he's gay. I wanted to talk to my preacher in person and explain the situation to him and see if he'd be willing to help me. Well, when I got to the church, my preacher couldn't have been anymore rude and hateful toward me than he was. I've never had anyone at church talk down to me like he did. And what it came down to is that he wanted to talk out on the front porch of the church, and I just mentioned that I'd prefer talking inside because I didn't want to take the risk of anyone hearing our conversation. After I said that, he just got completely... well I'd say hostile/angry about it, and for what reason I don't know. I was honestly just sort of in shock about it, because it made no sense for him to act like that. I didn't believe I had asked anything too unreasonable of him. But the way he acted, I just thought maybe I'd done something wrong. But when we finally did go inside—him mouthing about it—and begin talking, he seemed to relax somewhat when I explained to him why I'd asked him to meet me there. Turns out he already knew about the situation—the kid had already asked several others for help apparently, and was probably, but not certainly, only doing this to get attention. But it just seemed as though my preacher just almost wanted to pick a fight with me. I honestly don't know how to explain it. I was dumbfounded by the way he treated me.

That was the last time I ever intend to talk to him in private. I've tried to before—the last time being about a year ago—and every time he treats me in this fashion. This time was the worst though. And I don't understand it. I only wanted advice on how to help someone, and he just acted as though it was a big bother that I'd asked him to meet with me. Like I said, it was the last time I'll ever talk to him on a personal level like that. He's made it more than clear that he doesn't like me, and that he isn't concerned about anything related to me. After he spoke to me the way he did, I just asked him if he didn't like me. He acted as though he couldn't understand why I'd ask him that and then told me that he did. But I don't believe him. His actions speak louder than words. And I don't feel like I can trust him.

I'm saddened by this whole situation. I just don't understand why people have to act this way. What did I ever do to him, or not do, that would make him act like that toward me? I just don't understand it.

You're All I've Ever Wanted

Me: (Curious and hopeful) Jesus, do you love me?

Jesus: You know that I love you. I died for you, accepting a punishment you were meant to receive, all because of my love for you.

Me: But do you accept me? Do you really want to know me, or spend time with me? Seems sometimes like no one else does. And I'm afraid of what they think of me.

Jesus: When I received your punishment, I did that so we could spend all eternity with each other. Yes, Brandon, I want to know you. I want to be your best friend. I love you beyond words. As for others, don't worry so much about what they think.

Me: (Humbled, broken, crying, happy) Will you always be with me? Even when everything is so terrible and I can't seem to find you, and there's no one else?

Jesus: I'll always be with you. I'll never abandon you.

Me: (Hesitant) Sometimes... I just really do feel as though I'm not as good as other guys, like I'm not good enough. I feel so inadequate compared to them. I think that's one reason why I'm drawn to them. And I just feel so lonely so much of the time. People have told me you'll satisfy those feelings in me, but I'm not sure how you can do that. I'm not sure I can trust you to do that.

Jesus: I'll fill your heart, Brandon. I'll fill your spirit so full of hope and love and warmth that all those feelings of inadequacies and loneliness will fade away and become just a distant memory. But you'll have to trust you. I've never led you astray before, have I?

Me: No. But what about my past?

Jesus: I don't remember your past. Those things you did have been forgotten. And as for those hurts, I was always with you through those times, helping you through them. Even when you didn't think that I was. But it's not your past that I'm interested in. It's your future. I want you to be mine, and I want you to have a life and a future more glorious than you could ever imagine.

I know you want acceptance. I accept you, Brandon, with arms wide open. I love you eternally. Will you accept me and love me in the same way? Will you trust me? Will you be faithful to me, and give your life and everything about you to me, as I have given to you?

In one of my more recent posts I described what I wanted from another man. I want a man who will love me. I want a man who will accept me and want to spend time with me. I want a man who will take care of me, and who'll never leave me. I want a man who will help me and comfort me in all situations.

It occurred to me the other day that I already have a man like that in my life. Jesus loves me, unconditionally. He loves me so much He died for me, accepting a punishment upon Himself that only I should rightfully deserve. He accepts me as His own. He likes me for me. He wants to spend time with me—all eternity! He takes care of me in all situations. When I'm feeling bad or lonely He comforts me. When I need help He helps me. He's always there for me.

I think about times when I'm lonely. All I have to do is think of Jesus and I can feel His presence. I can feel Him sitting by my side, with His arm around my shoulder holding me near to Him. Days when I feel so far removed from other guys, when I just feel desperate for a hug or some sign of male affirmation, He is always the one who no matter what, comes to me and lets me know I belong. He tells me I'm good enough, that I'm not some sort of freak. He tells me that just because I'm not like other guys in some regards doesn't mean I'm something bad or that something's wrong with me. It just means I'm unique in my own ways, and He loves me regardless of those things. He accepts me. Those things don't turn Him away from me the way they have and sometimes do with other guys.

And I know that any tears in my eyes Jesus wipes away. There are times when I feel so low, when the whole world seems so heavy upon my shoulders, when I've cried until I can't cry anymore and feel so hopeless and empty inside, and Jesus always is the one who helps bring me out of that. He's always the one, who through His love for me, draws me out of those wretched places. He fills my heart and my soul with so much warmth and joy. It can actually make me feel giddy sometimes.

Jesus can provide everything I've ever wanted. He's the best companion I could ever hope to have. He loves me. He wants to spend time with me. When I'm lonely, I can talk with him, and He'll put his arm around my shoulder and hug me. He takes care of me and helps me through the difficult times. I don't need anyone else but Him. I only want Him. I realize no other man could ever possibly compare to Him. No other man could ever love me as much, or care for me as much, or do so much for me as He has.

These are new thoughts for me. I've often said some of these things before, but never because of this line of thinking or with having these sorts of feelings. I've spent years looking and hoping and searching for another man who'll love me. I've wanted so desperately to be held and to be taken care of. I've wanted a partner or companion with whom to share my life with. I've struggled terribly because I felt like I couldn't have that. And yet it's occurred to me that I could have had that all along. Jesus can be all that I've ever wanted. He can satisfy all of those desires.

My preacher in one of his latest sermons began talking about Adam and Eve and how the serpent had lied to Eve and confused her about God's commandments. While he was talking, I suddenly felt such a moment of great clarity. What if Eve was me and the forbidden fruit was a sexual relationship with another man? What if the serpent had said, “Surely there can be nothing wrong about that? Surely God is just withholding something good from you? Surely you will not suffer any negative consequences if you do that? Surely your love would make it okay? And then you'll know love as God knows love.”

I feel like I've been confused. I feel like somebody pulled the wool over my eyes and blinded me. All these years I've listened to the lies of Satan. I've listened to him tell me how great a thing a relationship with another guy can be, and how the Bible may not really say what so many claim it says. I've listened to him as He's accused God of being unfair to me and uncaring. I've believed those lies about myself—that I wasn't good enough, that I was different, that I was unlovable and that nobody cared about me. I let him convince me to be with another man. And then after all the negative consequences of that, I still listened and believed him when he told me I just had a bad experience and all I needed to do was find another man and that things would be better a second time around (or a third or a fourth or a fifth time). Well, I'm done with those lies. I don't need another man. I don't want another man. All I want is Jesus. I only want Him in my life. I only want what He tells me is good and true and worthwhile. And all the rest can just be thrown out with the trash. I'm done thinking of myself as a homosexual. I'm not going to think of myself in anyway regarding my sexuality. I'm a male, created in God's image, a beloved follower of His, a Christian, and that's that. Whatever I'm tempted to do sexually is not going to rule my life any longer.

And therein is a whole new struggle for myself. Actually, same struggle, but new outlook on it. If I'm going to commit myself to Christ, if He is going to be the only man in my life, then all the pornography, sexual activity, etc., has got to go and come to an end. Jesus asks no more from me in that regard than any other man would. So, if I'm going to be committed to Him, if I'm going to belong to Him, I can't very well be looking at other guys or doing things selfishly with my body. So those things will have to stop.

In a way, I could say that I'm married now, and Jesus is my husband. He may not physically be with me, but spiritually and emotionally He certainly is. He's in my heart. I love Him and I want to be completely committed to Him—only to Him. Like a woman waiting for her husband to come back from a distant land, I'm waiting patiently for Christ, my true love, to return for me someday. And I want to remain faithful to Him in all ways until that time.

I feel like I have what I've always wanted now.

Me: Jesus, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for absolutely everything. You're the best friend, the greatest love I could ever hope to have. You're everything I've ever wanted, and so much more than that.

Holding Onto the Past, and Moving Forward With God

I feel like I've been a fool here lately. I've thought very dumbly. To begin with, something I felt was a sin I asked others to convince me it wasn't. And sure enough, the result was that my mind got filled full of doubt and frustration and that distanced me from God. How stupid could I have been? Rather than ask others to convince me I'm wrong, I should have charged forward along this journey and asked God to lead me on the way. I'm really not one hundred percent certain homosexuality is completely wrong or sinful. I'll admit that. There are a lot of arguments out there that honestly do make me question if it might be okay for two men (or two women) to be with each other in a relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I know that would never work for me. My sinful nature keeps telling me I'd be so much happier being with another man. That little voice keeps telling me that I'd feel loved. It tells me I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. It tells me I'd feel better about myself and who I am. But the more I think about that the more I'm not so sure that'd be true. I might would feel more loved, but I realize even couples or married people can feel lonely and unlovable at times. And I know that what problems I have with myself nobody else can make me feel differently. This is something within me and the only way I'll feel better about myself or about who I am or how I am is to realize more fully how God feels about me. I have to change from within and not from without. All of those things I feel insecure about—my looks, mannerisms, the way I talk, what things I'm drawn to or tempted to do—are things that only God can give me peace or contentment or help with. No one else can do that. No other guy can do that. No boyfriend or romantic relationship could ever satisfy those wants and feelings within me. Only God can do that.

I think about that and my understanding of the bible, and I consider past homosexual experiences that never made me happy, and I realize living a homosexual lifestyle just isn't what God wants for me. My nature keeps telling me it is what I want, but God keeps telling me it isn't, that I shouldn't pursue it, that it won't make me happy. He keeps laying those feelings heavy on my heart.

I haven't been listening to God lately, or communicating to Him as I should have been. I know that's never a good thing, but I forget that at times. When things are going well I tend to forget about God. Then when things become bad it's hard for me to feel close to God and to reestablish a relationship with Him.

There are a lot of hurts I can't seem to let go of. I dwell on some of those hurts more often than I should. I try to push them to the back of my mind, but they keep coming forward. I remember times when other guys made fun of me and rejected me or wouldn't be friends with me. I remember times when my dad wouldn't have anything to do with me or abused me either physically or emotionally (and please don't think that my dad was a bad one. I know he did his best). I remember times when my brother wouldn't let me be his brother and made fun of me with his friends. I remember how frustrated and confused I was when I first started having sex with a younger friend when I was twelve. I remember times when I felt so lonely in school and no one would ever be my friend. I remember that week of fear at camp the summer before I started high school when some of the older guys made me take off my clothes down to my underwear, put a bra on me, and took pictures of me like that and mocked me. I remember all those times of depression when I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and felt so empty and alone and hurt that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I remember finally building up enough trust in my preacher to tell him about my struggles and asked for his help, and then he avoided me and made false accusations about me. And the list of hurts could go on and on.

I'm not mentioning these things in order to get anyone's sympathy. I mention these things because they're the things that's bothered me most. I've had a lot of trouble letting go of these hurts and moving on. And perhaps the reason that is, is because new and similar hurts keep coming up that remind me of these things. I keep trying to make friends with other guys and that's proved to be a somewhat difficult task for me. I keep going to church and trying to be more active there, but I know I can't be open with my preacher. I want to feel and be like straight guys, but every time I see a good looking guy and become aroused I'm reminded that I'm not. And that list of examples could go on and on as well.

It's hard for me to not look back. I know God wants me to let the past be what it was and to lay it aside and focus on the future instead, but sometimes that just seems so hard to do. I try to do that and then when new hurts arise and remind me of the past, I feel like God is breaking His promises. I feel it harder to trust Him when those new hurts come up. And then I feel alone. I'll admit I do have a bit of an independent streak. I like having those freedoms to not be tied down and to come and go as I wish. And I can embrace those feelings at times to the point where not even God can be let in. I push Him out. I feel hurt and betrayed and so I distance myself and take on a go-it-alone attitude. The last two or three years that's been one of the hardest things I've struggled with to keep myself from doing. I know life is going to have its ups and downs. There'll be good and bad. There'll be more hurts in the future. There's no escaping it. That's sadly the sort of world we live in. The important thing to remember is to always hold onto God whether times are good or bad. I have a tendency to forget that. And I have a tendency to forget my own responsibility in some of those bad times or hurts. I know that homosexual activity isn't good for me. It's never brought anything good into my life. But I continue to pursue it anyway. How crazy is that! When will I learn my lesson?

Maybe I should correct that last little bit somewhat. Because I've had homosexual feelings, I've been able to meet several wonderful and caring people. Some of you are those people. And I realize that if it wasn't for homosexuality, I'd probably have never met or known any of you. So, I suppose that's one good thing. Because of these struggles I've learned to be a little less judgmental of others. I've learned compassion and mercy and love for others. I want others to be treated by me the way I wish I'd have been treated more often by others. But really, that has nothing to do with homosexuality. That's what God has done for me. Without God I'd be a miserable, awful wretch of a person. I'd have no friends at all. I'd have nothing and be nothing and I'd be sinning nonstop. But with God, He helps me be a little less wretched and has certainly blessed me with more than I should ever deserve. Through my struggles, God has connected me with other people and worked through me to make me a better person. It's through His leading me that that's happened. I just need to let him lead me more. I have to trust Him and hold onto Him with everything I've got. He never lets go of me, so I should never let go of Him. I have to keep hoping.

Thanks everyone for your prayers. They've meant a lot. And in the future, please don't ever restrain speaking the truth to me.

Feelings

Sometimes I feel such a strong urge to want to be with another guy. The feeling just seems to consume me. I feel lonely or... well maybe not lonely, but something. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. I alluded to this in my last post. It's as if God took something out of me and there's a void or emptiness now. Maybe it is just loneliness.

Anyway, I had this feeling rather intensely the other day and I was wishing and wanting so much that I could have a boyfriend. Then a strange sort of feeling came over me. I suddenly thought it would be weird to be with another guy. Just out of nowhere this creepy sort of otherworldly feeling entered my mind. I thought about myself having a boyfriend and all the aspects of a relationship with him and suddenly the idea of all that seemed almost like a turn off. To be perfectly honest, this is a feeling that's come over me more and more frequently over the last couple of years. But I don't know that it ever seemed as strange as it did this last time.

I wonder if maybe it really, truly is possible for a person to change their sexual orientation. Especially when I have feelings such as these. I'll admit, the last time I looked at pornography I cleared my mind of any sexually exciting, lustful thoughts/energy/whatever and just really thought about what I was looking at. I saw two guys having sex and the image of that seemed so very odd. I then imagined the two men being straight, and I almost felt repulsed. I thought of guys I knew at work or church and attempted to imagine them kissing another guy or having sex or being in a relationship with another guy, and it just seemed unimaginable.

I've always had such a strong feeling that God never meant for two men (or two women) to be with each other sexually. I guess the mechanics of that act just never seemed to fit the whole creation story and particularly the primary purpose of sex for procreation. (And please don't think that by that statement I don't believe sex is also meant to be an expression of love. Just that without sex, there'd be no procreation or life giving, and so that would have to be its primary function, or else all life would cease to exist).

I think about being with another guy, and I feel like if I were with another guy, that part of me which I feel is missing would no longer be missing. But then I think about what it would actually mean to be with another guy, and I start having these strange feelings. Something about being with another guy just doesn't feel right. Even though most of the time it does. But on that same note, almost nothing about being with a woman feels right.

I wonder sometimes if all this has something to do with feeling less than masculine. I usually don't feel very masculine at all, even though I know I do have certain masculine traits or characteristics. But I also wonder if it's because I'm not fully being myself most of the time. Naturally I'm more feminine in a lot of ways than what I usually allow most people to see or know. I try to be more masculine than I feel I actually am. And the thing is, I think deep down I prefer the feminine me. I like the fact that my eyes have a sort of feminine look about them, the way they're shaped. I like that my smile often has a shy girls look to it. I like that I talk with my hands sometimes. I like that my voice isn't real deep. I like a lot of the sort of feminine characteristics that I have. I just wish sometimes that I could be my feminine self toward another guy. And then I think about what I'd like from another guy—what sort of relationship I'd like.

I want a guy who'll love me for me. I want a guy who considers me something special. I want a guy I can cook meals with and go places with. I want a guy I can hold hands with. I want a guy I can share the holidays and special occasions with. I want a guy who will take care of me and who I can take care of in return. I want a guy who will hold me and love me and think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and who I'll feel the same about.

I want kids, but I know no other guy can ever give me that. Nor could I do that for another guy. As much as mankind likes to play God, we humans still haven't found the way for two men to procreate. I'd have to be with a woman in order to have kids of my own. But I don't think I could ever be with a woman. Seems like the older I get the less likely that seems. God may have a surprise in store for me yet, but for now, I just don't see that ever happening. Maybe I'm too womanly myself to ever be with a woman. But there again, I don't think a woman could satisfy that void-like feeling within me.

Like I said in my last post, God please just take this feeling and do something with it. It's just annoying the heck out of me. I want something and that something seems to be a relationship with another guy, but when I actually consider pursuing that, something about it starts feeling wrong or unusual. Maybe I just can't escape the fact that I believe homosexual relationships are sinful, and that God wouldn't approve. Maybe I just need to accept this and accept being celibate and move forward along that path. Maybe that void will be filled by greater friendships or even by God himself. However it's filled, I just wish it would happen already, and in a more positive way than I've come up with myself.

~ ~ ~

And now on a whole separate subject, I was informed today that a friend of mine from high school, who I hadn't seen in a few years now, passed away last night. It's suspected he had a heart attack. To the best of my knowledge, this was the first person from my class who has died.

My preacher says from time to time that we are all just a heartbeat away from death. Well, I suppose that's true. It shocks me sometimes to realize just how fragile life really is. And I'll admit, sometimes the prospect of death scares me a little. I wonder if I've been faithful enough, or if I've truly had the right sort of relationship with Christ to be able to go to heaven. I think I have, but I guess sometimes I have my doubts. I get to feeling so far away from Christ sometimes that it makes me wonder whether or not He's still walking by my side, or if He's abandoned me. So far, He keeps pulling me back to Him. As a friend of mine recently put it, “I cannot see without Him as my eyes, or breath without Him as my lungs”. I like that. I can't escape Him and I'm glad for that. He never leaves me.

But I'm saddened that this old friend died. I'd just recently read about him in the local paper. He was involved with the direction of a play in the local theatre, and seemed to be really making a name for himself. I hate that he had to die so young in life. But I'm glad at the same time because I honestly do think he's in that better place now. He now has the rest of eternity before him, with Christ standing by his side.

I feel like I just have to trust God. I have to or I'll go crazy. If I trust God and allow Him to take me where He wishes and lead me in all things, that's the only way I'll ever be happy. And I guess I need to stop worrying so much. My counselor recently told me he felt I was thinking too much about the future and worrying about what might be or what could happen, living in fear of those things, rather than focusing on the moment at hand. I think he's right. I worry too much about being alone, about how my future will turn out, about what career to pursue or what direction I should be taking, and about dying before I've accomplished this or that, and there's just nothing good at all about worrying about any of it. All it does, thinking about those things, is drag me down. I suppose that's exactly what the devil wants of me.

I think I just want a change. I want something different and new and exciting.

Maybe I just need to pull my head out of my a**.

Still Searching For Something

I find you watching me in that dull, dark place, behind closed doors.

I struggle to refrain as I see your loving face, so gentle so kind.

You whisper for me to put aside those lesser things.

I continue anyway.

I feel you breathing upon me, as I myself begin breathing more heavily.

I resist your nudging, urging me, pulling me away.

I continue viewing.

Those other bodies draw me in—my insatiable appetite never fulfills.

My pulse increases as my desires consume me.

I block you out of my mind completely; I force you away.

I remain in that dark, secret place.

When I've finally gone for as long as I can, to a point of shear exhaustion, I tire of my lusting.

I collapse in my own heat and sweat and begin wondering what it was all for.

Why did I block you out? Why did I view those things?

For what happiness does it ever bring me?

Oh, why didn't I listen to you, my friend, my brother, my Lord, my Savior, my everything?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

Why do these desires so utterly, entirely, so forcefully, envelop me?

I think of my own weaknesses, insecurities and struggles.

I see myself loveless, inadequate, guilt-ridden, and lonely.

I pray for forgiveness, but I feel that you've left me.

I keep expecting you to eventually forever forsake me.

But then I feel a hint of your love and my hope is renewed.

You raise my chin and tell me, “It's okay, my child.

I love you beyond words. I forgive you unconditionally.

Don't wallow in your self-pity any longer.

Fight it, resist it, you're my joy and my heritage.

I'll never forsake you or leave you to this.”

I go two days happy, maybe three at the most,

full of hope and new joy—a new commitment fills my soul and my mind.

I feel as though I'm floating above cloud nine, itself.

But then something happens.

I break and fall dangerously back downwards to earth.

And the longer I fall, the more I don't seem to care.

I close the door behind me once more, to secure my seclusion.

I power up the source and search wildly and endlessly,

craving something so badly I can't ever seem to behold.

I remember past lessons and attempt to go to Thee.

For I'm told you're the only one who could ever satisfy me so wholly.

But that doesn't seem to work. I can't make it work. Nothing seems to change.

And then I feel like I'm about to explode or go crazy,

so I run away from you madly, intently.

I come full circle again, back to my medication, my drug,

my quick fix to take care of that wanting so badly,

that which I know I cannot have.

Then the confusion sets in and my mind becomes hazy,

as the thoughts begin swirling about me.

I want something more, but I'm not sure what I want more.

Can't I have both? No, I don't think so. You tell me I can't.

But for how long should I struggle? For what answers will you give me?

What relief will befall me?

I want your love, but I want to be held.

I want someone to touch and to be with. I want companionship with someone.

And as much as I'm told that you'll fill that empty void, you seem to rarely come through.

Your love means so much to me, and I'll always choose you—at least in the end.

I know I can't escape you, no matter what I do.

You always bring me back to you.

But the other seems to always brings me back to it, too.

There's just no escape from either, no relief whatever I do.

Where is my other? Where is that special someone for me?

And if not he than she? Does this other person exist?

Do you have someone else for me?

When you took the rib from my body, did you create me a helper?

Did you make me a partner, a soul mate, a best friend and true love?

Or was it to no use?

Please tell me I'm not destined to be alone.

Don't leave me behind those closed doors, chasing shadows of strangers,

knowing those shadows aren't mine, and that I shouldn't be looking—

it's a poor substitute for something so much grander.

And it's that grander fulfillment I truly wish to require.

Please don't let this dream die.

I think I'd rather stay stuck in this cycle forever with what little hope I have left,

than to break free just a shell and all empty inside.

Something seems to be missing, Lord.

Something seems to be missing and you know I'm just trying to find it.

I'm just trying to find it. And the way I'm feeling right now, you know “it” is he.

If he's out there, lead me to him. If he's not, lead me away.

But lead me to someone or something, oh Lord,

because I'm so very tired of being locked behind these closed doors,

far away in that dark, drab place,

searching endlessly, desperately for what seems like will be forever in vain.

And I don't want to remain here forever, but I admit,

even forever right here, seems better than nothing or never—it's the next closest thing.

Perhaps what I really am after is a better me?

But whatever “it” is, please lead me to it.

Please satisfy this desire some way as only you can, Lord.

Please just take this feeling and do something with it.