Still Searching For Something

I find you watching me in that dull, dark place, behind closed doors.

I struggle to refrain as I see your loving face, so gentle so kind.

You whisper for me to put aside those lesser things.

I continue anyway.

I feel you breathing upon me, as I myself begin breathing more heavily.

I resist your nudging, urging me, pulling me away.

I continue viewing.

Those other bodies draw me in—my insatiable appetite never fulfills.

My pulse increases as my desires consume me.

I block you out of my mind completely; I force you away.

I remain in that dark, secret place.

When I've finally gone for as long as I can, to a point of shear exhaustion, I tire of my lusting.

I collapse in my own heat and sweat and begin wondering what it was all for.

Why did I block you out? Why did I view those things?

For what happiness does it ever bring me?

Oh, why didn't I listen to you, my friend, my brother, my Lord, my Savior, my everything?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

Why do these desires so utterly, entirely, so forcefully, envelop me?

I think of my own weaknesses, insecurities and struggles.

I see myself loveless, inadequate, guilt-ridden, and lonely.

I pray for forgiveness, but I feel that you've left me.

I keep expecting you to eventually forever forsake me.

But then I feel a hint of your love and my hope is renewed.

You raise my chin and tell me, “It's okay, my child.

I love you beyond words. I forgive you unconditionally.

Don't wallow in your self-pity any longer.

Fight it, resist it, you're my joy and my heritage.

I'll never forsake you or leave you to this.”

I go two days happy, maybe three at the most,

full of hope and new joy—a new commitment fills my soul and my mind.

I feel as though I'm floating above cloud nine, itself.

But then something happens.

I break and fall dangerously back downwards to earth.

And the longer I fall, the more I don't seem to care.

I close the door behind me once more, to secure my seclusion.

I power up the source and search wildly and endlessly,

craving something so badly I can't ever seem to behold.

I remember past lessons and attempt to go to Thee.

For I'm told you're the only one who could ever satisfy me so wholly.

But that doesn't seem to work. I can't make it work. Nothing seems to change.

And then I feel like I'm about to explode or go crazy,

so I run away from you madly, intently.

I come full circle again, back to my medication, my drug,

my quick fix to take care of that wanting so badly,

that which I know I cannot have.

Then the confusion sets in and my mind becomes hazy,

as the thoughts begin swirling about me.

I want something more, but I'm not sure what I want more.

Can't I have both? No, I don't think so. You tell me I can't.

But for how long should I struggle? For what answers will you give me?

What relief will befall me?

I want your love, but I want to be held.

I want someone to touch and to be with. I want companionship with someone.

And as much as I'm told that you'll fill that empty void, you seem to rarely come through.

Your love means so much to me, and I'll always choose you—at least in the end.

I know I can't escape you, no matter what I do.

You always bring me back to you.

But the other seems to always brings me back to it, too.

There's just no escape from either, no relief whatever I do.

Where is my other? Where is that special someone for me?

And if not he than she? Does this other person exist?

Do you have someone else for me?

When you took the rib from my body, did you create me a helper?

Did you make me a partner, a soul mate, a best friend and true love?

Or was it to no use?

Please tell me I'm not destined to be alone.

Don't leave me behind those closed doors, chasing shadows of strangers,

knowing those shadows aren't mine, and that I shouldn't be looking—

it's a poor substitute for something so much grander.

And it's that grander fulfillment I truly wish to require.

Please don't let this dream die.

I think I'd rather stay stuck in this cycle forever with what little hope I have left,

than to break free just a shell and all empty inside.

Something seems to be missing, Lord.

Something seems to be missing and you know I'm just trying to find it.

I'm just trying to find it. And the way I'm feeling right now, you know “it” is he.

If he's out there, lead me to him. If he's not, lead me away.

But lead me to someone or something, oh Lord,

because I'm so very tired of being locked behind these closed doors,

far away in that dark, drab place,

searching endlessly, desperately for what seems like will be forever in vain.

And I don't want to remain here forever, but I admit,

even forever right here, seems better than nothing or never—it's the next closest thing.

Perhaps what I really am after is a better me?

But whatever “it” is, please lead me to it.

Please satisfy this desire some way as only you can, Lord.

Please just take this feeling and do something with it.