Thursday, May 8, 2008

Holding Onto the Past, and Moving Forward With God

I feel like I've been a fool here lately. I've thought very dumbly. To begin with, something I felt was a sin I asked others to convince me it wasn't. And sure enough, the result was that my mind got filled full of doubt and frustration and that distanced me from God. How stupid could I have been? Rather than ask others to convince me I'm wrong, I should have charged forward along this journey and asked God to lead me on the way. I'm really not one hundred percent certain homosexuality is completely wrong or sinful. I'll admit that. There are a lot of arguments out there that honestly do make me question if it might be okay for two men (or two women) to be with each other in a relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I know that would never work for me. My sinful nature keeps telling me I'd be so much happier being with another man. That little voice keeps telling me that I'd feel loved. It tells me I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. It tells me I'd feel better about myself and who I am. But the more I think about that the more I'm not so sure that'd be true. I might would feel more loved, but I realize even couples or married people can feel lonely and unlovable at times. And I know that what problems I have with myself nobody else can make me feel differently. This is something within me and the only way I'll feel better about myself or about who I am or how I am is to realize more fully how God feels about me. I have to change from within and not from without. All of those things I feel insecure about—my looks, mannerisms, the way I talk, what things I'm drawn to or tempted to do—are things that only God can give me peace or contentment or help with. No one else can do that. No other guy can do that. No boyfriend or romantic relationship could ever satisfy those wants and feelings within me. Only God can do that.

I think about that and my understanding of the bible, and I consider past homosexual experiences that never made me happy, and I realize living a homosexual lifestyle just isn't what God wants for me. My nature keeps telling me it is what I want, but God keeps telling me it isn't, that I shouldn't pursue it, that it won't make me happy. He keeps laying those feelings heavy on my heart.

I haven't been listening to God lately, or communicating to Him as I should have been. I know that's never a good thing, but I forget that at times. When things are going well I tend to forget about God. Then when things become bad it's hard for me to feel close to God and to reestablish a relationship with Him.

There are a lot of hurts I can't seem to let go of. I dwell on some of those hurts more often than I should. I try to push them to the back of my mind, but they keep coming forward. I remember times when other guys made fun of me and rejected me or wouldn't be friends with me. I remember times when my dad wouldn't have anything to do with me or abused me either physically or emotionally (and please don't think that my dad was a bad one. I know he did his best). I remember times when my brother wouldn't let me be his brother and made fun of me with his friends. I remember how frustrated and confused I was when I first started having sex with a younger friend when I was twelve. I remember times when I felt so lonely in school and no one would ever be my friend. I remember that week of fear at camp the summer before I started high school when some of the older guys made me take off my clothes down to my underwear, put a bra on me, and took pictures of me like that and mocked me. I remember all those times of depression when I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and felt so empty and alone and hurt that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I remember finally building up enough trust in my preacher to tell him about my struggles and asked for his help, and then he avoided me and made false accusations about me. And the list of hurts could go on and on.

I'm not mentioning these things in order to get anyone's sympathy. I mention these things because they're the things that's bothered me most. I've had a lot of trouble letting go of these hurts and moving on. And perhaps the reason that is, is because new and similar hurts keep coming up that remind me of these things. I keep trying to make friends with other guys and that's proved to be a somewhat difficult task for me. I keep going to church and trying to be more active there, but I know I can't be open with my preacher. I want to feel and be like straight guys, but every time I see a good looking guy and become aroused I'm reminded that I'm not. And that list of examples could go on and on as well.

It's hard for me to not look back. I know God wants me to let the past be what it was and to lay it aside and focus on the future instead, but sometimes that just seems so hard to do. I try to do that and then when new hurts arise and remind me of the past, I feel like God is breaking His promises. I feel it harder to trust Him when those new hurts come up. And then I feel alone. I'll admit I do have a bit of an independent streak. I like having those freedoms to not be tied down and to come and go as I wish. And I can embrace those feelings at times to the point where not even God can be let in. I push Him out. I feel hurt and betrayed and so I distance myself and take on a go-it-alone attitude. The last two or three years that's been one of the hardest things I've struggled with to keep myself from doing. I know life is going to have its ups and downs. There'll be good and bad. There'll be more hurts in the future. There's no escaping it. That's sadly the sort of world we live in. The important thing to remember is to always hold onto God whether times are good or bad. I have a tendency to forget that. And I have a tendency to forget my own responsibility in some of those bad times or hurts. I know that homosexual activity isn't good for me. It's never brought anything good into my life. But I continue to pursue it anyway. How crazy is that! When will I learn my lesson?

Maybe I should correct that last little bit somewhat. Because I've had homosexual feelings, I've been able to meet several wonderful and caring people. Some of you are those people. And I realize that if it wasn't for homosexuality, I'd probably have never met or known any of you. So, I suppose that's one good thing. Because of these struggles I've learned to be a little less judgmental of others. I've learned compassion and mercy and love for others. I want others to be treated by me the way I wish I'd have been treated more often by others. But really, that has nothing to do with homosexuality. That's what God has done for me. Without God I'd be a miserable, awful wretch of a person. I'd have no friends at all. I'd have nothing and be nothing and I'd be sinning nonstop. But with God, He helps me be a little less wretched and has certainly blessed me with more than I should ever deserve. Through my struggles, God has connected me with other people and worked through me to make me a better person. It's through His leading me that that's happened. I just need to let him lead me more. I have to trust Him and hold onto Him with everything I've got. He never lets go of me, so I should never let go of Him. I have to keep hoping.

Thanks everyone for your prayers. They've meant a lot. And in the future, please don't ever restrain speaking the truth to me.

10 comments:

Queers United said...

God made gay humans and gay animals, we were made in God's image. How can what your heart says be wrong?

http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com

Jim Jordan said...

Because I've had homosexual feelings, I've been able to meet several wonderful and caring people.

Reminded of Romans 8:28.

God bless.

Brandon said...

Queers United,

I don't believe God made me gay. I can see where a lot of environmental and reaction/perception situations may have influenced me along this path when I was little and in my early teens. But aside from that, the heart can be deceptive. We are flawed human beings, yes created in the image of God, but unlike God we are corrupted by sin. Our hearts can lead us into sin. It's just our nature.

I do think we should listen to our hearts, but also listen to our heavenly father, through His written word and the Holy Spirit laying upon us. I feel like God is telling me something my heart doesn't always tell me. And that is to not act on my homosexual attractions or feelings.



Jim,

Thanks for the verse. :)

otrolado said...

Thanks for the comment. I hope things are going better for you.

pursuegod said...

Hi Brandon,

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I am sorry things have been difficult. It is definitely challenging to let go of past hurts, and new ones that resurface, isn't it. I can relate to that. May God give you supernatural strength to forgive and hope to keep pressing forward into new ground as you seek to grow in self-confidence and as a man of God.

Keep listening to His voice, bro.

ewe said...

Brandon, if your god did not make you gay then your god did not make someone else straight right? So does your god also give all men the homosexual attractions you say you have and if not why do you not have the heterosexual attractions other men have. I guess they should not act on their feelings of sexuality and tell themselves and others that they are sinners for wanting to fornicate or even thinking it right? I see your thinking as neanderthal like. Do you think thunder and lightning is god talking to you in anger or do you believe the scientific explanation of our environment? Do you really think god has time for the obsessive thoughts of over six billion people not to mention all other animals and insects, plants and other protozoa you say god created. You brandon like me and everyone else make up the whole. we are god, all of us. if there is evil and good,it is us, that is true. so what are the feelings you promote to yourself and others. i always hear you telling yourself and thereby others that you are not worthy and some horrible sinner. I think differentl. I am the light. I am goodness and love. I am willing to confront fear in the forms i observe it.

Brandon said...

I believe our sexuality is taught or learned. At least to a certain degree. I don't think we're born gay or straight. But I do believe God created us to be "straight".

As for God, all things are possible with Him. I don't doubt for a minute He is more than able and willing to hear all of us and still take care of the whole of the universe.

When I say I'm a "horrible sinner", what I'm getting at is that without Christ in my life, I'd probably be doing a lot of bad, and not just concerning matters of sex, but other things. I know how much I need God in my life, because through Him I am a better person than I would be without Him. I can see the wrongs I do and I know how much I need a Savior. I hope you can understand this.

ewe said...

I do understand. and what i say in anger is bigger than you or me put together. It is not so much you as an individual that is dangerous but you as a willing part of a larger group. Listen, i think christians can be just as misguided as muslims or jews. You all think you have the answer for everyone and use an unproven entity that you then impose on other people. Again it is not so much you Brandon but the group of you which is no small number. You dismiss and insult gay people and say that god made heterosexuals but not homosexuals and that is because you are ashamed of who you are so in order for you to enforce that shame and continue trying (which i might add you will be unsuccessful at) to change yourself you attract and submit to those that crush the lives of others different than the heterosexual ideal. The point is to have people have children, keep busy and not grow in spirit but be manipulated. That is the reason gay people are so feared. Historically we have not taken that route. Long ago gay men and women were the respected shamans of society. That is no longer the case because people like you can be told what to think so easily. The new dogma is to copy heterosexuality through marriage, adoption and invitro so we,too, will be too busy to think of our own private evolution as spiritual people as well. Then we will be less political if we are saddled with those same responsibilities. First of all you are wrong as wrong can be and for that you are sinning because to sin is to miss the mark and you are not even in the room or the field of sight with your conclusions about homosexuality. Your dribble out of your mouth is without any thought to whether or not you created your own thinking patterns yourself. You don't understand anything on this topic Brandon. You are full of hate. You are like the young soldier used by dictatorial governments because of your youth, vitality and more importantly your ignorance and the ability to form, mold and control you. I know you are misguided simply because you use the word and concept of god to defend everything that is antigay related hoping to silence anyone who opposes you and make it disappear particularly in yourself. Another sin because you miss the mark again. You are gay in your soul Brandon, otherwise it would not be an issue you need to address. You have no other defense, not that your exploitation of god is a defense but it is your hollow attempt at one. You may do it for a year or your whole life but you are still gay and always will be and god made you that way if there is a god just like god made heterosexuals if there is a god. You are one sick cookie honey and you are not ever going to get away with making those who love themselves feel as miserable about their innate orientation as you do. I think i have told you before, you need some therapy around your sexuality and religion is not the avenue to take to address that because it is just dogma not solutions which are being spoonfed to you for everyone to consume. That leaves no room for those of us that are different and able to change the world for the better. that is because the purpose of your religion is not to offer freedom and elevation from the trials and tribulations of this life. The purpose of your religion is to have one mass way of thinking for all. Again super dangerous and coming to an end because of a new conciousness emerging from the chaos of fear based personal god concept.

ewe said...

I do understand. and what i say in anger is bigger than you or me put together. It is not so much you as an individual that is dangerous but you as a willing part of a larger group. Listen, i think christians can be just as misguided as muslims or jews. You all think you have the answer for everyone and use an unproven entity that you then impose on other people. Again it is not so much you Brandon but the group of you which is no small number. You dismiss and insult gay people and say that god made heterosexuals but not homosexuals and that is because you are ashamed of who you are so in order for you to enforce that shame and continue trying (which i might add you will be unsuccessful at) to change yourself you attract and submit to those that crush the lives of others different than the heterosexual ideal. The point is to have people have children, keep busy and not grow in spirit but be manipulated. That is the reason gay people are so feared. Historically we have not taken that route. Long ago gay men and women were the respected shamans of society. That is no longer the case because people like you can be told what to think so easily. The new dogma is to copy heterosexuality through marriage, adoption and invitro so we,too, will be too busy to think of our own private evolution as spiritual people as well. Then we will be less political if we are saddled with those same responsibilities. First of all you are wrong as wrong can be and for that you are sinning because to sin is to miss the mark and you are not even in the room or the field of sight with your conclusions about homosexuality. Your dribble out of your mouth is without any thought to whether or not you created your own thinking patterns yourself. You don't understand anything on this topic Brandon. You are full of hate. You are like the young soldier used by dictatorial governments because of your youth, vitality and more importantly your ignorance and the ability to form, mold and control you. I know you are misguided simply because you use the word and concept of god to defend everything that is antigay related hoping to silence anyone who opposes you and make it disappear particularly in yourself. Another sin because you miss the mark again. You are gay in your soul Brandon, otherwise it would not be an issue you need to address. You have no other defense, not that your exploitation of god is a defense but it is your hollow attempt at one. You may do it for a year or your whole life but you are still gay and always will be and god made you that way if there is a god just like god made heterosexuals if there is a god. You are one sick cookie honey and you are not ever going to get away with making those who love themselves feel as miserable about their innate orientation as you do. I think i have told you before, you need some therapy around your sexuality and religion is not the avenue to take to address that because it is just dogma not solutions which are being spoonfed to you for everyone to consume. That leaves no room for those of us that are different and able to change the world for the better. that is because the purpose of your religion is not to offer freedom and elevation from the trials and tribulations of this life. The purpose of your religion is to have one mass way of thinking for all. Again super dangerous and coming to an end because of a new conciousness emerging from the chaos of fear based personal god concept.

Brandon said...

I don't understand your view of me, Ewe. I'm not trying to force any sort of thought on anyone. And I certainly don't hate gay people. Most of my closest friends are gay. For your information, I felt bad about myself before I ever really found God. It was when I learned of Christ's love for me that I began to feel better about who I am. And I do want others to know of that love. But I want you to know that I'm not against gay people at all. I support hate crimes legislation for homosexuals. I support gay marriage. I'm not the scary anit-gay Christian you make me out to be, and nor do I condone any Christian who acts out of hatred or prejudice.

Perhaps before you jump to conclusions you should actually get to know the person you decide to hate. Chances are, we probably think more alike than you'd believe.

Oh, and to sin is not to miss the mark, but to offend God. There is a difference there.