One Christian gay guy’s thoughts and experiences along this whirlwind journey called life.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Holding Onto the Past, and Moving Forward With God
I feel like I've been a fool here lately. I've thought very dumbly. To begin with, something I felt was a sin I asked others to convince me it wasn't. And sure enough, the result was that my mind got filled full of doubt and frustration and that distanced me from God. How stupid could I have been? Rather than ask others to convince me I'm wrong, I should have charged forward along this journey and asked God to lead me on the way. I'm really not one hundred percent certain homosexuality is completely wrong or sinful. I'll admit that. There are a lot of arguments out there that honestly do make me question if it might be okay for two men (or two women) to be with each other in a relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I know that would never work for me. My sinful nature keeps telling me I'd be so much happier being with another man. That little voice keeps telling me that I'd feel loved. It tells me I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. It tells me I'd feel better about myself and who I am. But the more I think about that the more I'm not so sure that'd be true. I might would feel more loved, but I realize even couples or married people can feel lonely and unlovable at times. And I know that what problems I have with myself nobody else can make me feel differently. This is something within me and the only way I'll feel better about myself or about who I am or how I am is to realize more fully how God feels about me. I have to change from within and not from without. All of those things I feel insecure about—my looks, mannerisms, the way I talk, what things I'm drawn to or tempted to do—are things that only God can give me peace or contentment or help with. No one else can do that. No other guy can do that. No boyfriend or romantic relationship could ever satisfy those wants and feelings within me. Only God can do that.
I think about that and my understanding of the bible, and I consider past homosexual experiences that never made me happy, and I realize living a homosexual lifestyle just isn't what God wants for me. My nature keeps telling me it is what I want, but God keeps telling me it isn't, that I shouldn't pursue it, that it won't make me happy. He keeps laying those feelings heavy on my heart.
I haven't been listening to God lately, or communicating to Him as I should have been. I know that's never a good thing, but I forget that at times. When things are going well I tend to forget about God. Then when things become bad it's hard for me to feel close to God and to reestablish a relationship with Him.
There are a lot of hurts I can't seem to let go of. I dwell on some of those hurts more often than I should. I try to push them to the back of my mind, but they keep coming forward. I remember times when other guys made fun of me and rejected me or wouldn't be friends with me. I remember times when my dad wouldn't have anything to do with me or abused me either physically or emotionally (and please don't think that my dad was a bad one. I know he did his best). I remember times when my brother wouldn't let me be his brother and made fun of me with his friends. I remember how frustrated and confused I was when I first started having sex with a younger friend when I was twelve. I remember times when I felt so lonely in school and no one would ever be my friend. I remember that week of fear at camp the summer before I started high school when some of the older guys made me take off my clothes down to my underwear, put a bra on me, and took pictures of me like that and mocked me. I remember all those times of depression when I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and felt so empty and alone and hurt that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I remember finally building up enough trust in my preacher to tell him about my struggles and asked for his help, and then he avoided me and made false accusations about me. And the list of hurts could go on and on.
I'm not mentioning these things in order to get anyone's sympathy. I mention these things because they're the things that's bothered me most. I've had a lot of trouble letting go of these hurts and moving on. And perhaps the reason that is, is because new and similar hurts keep coming up that remind me of these things. I keep trying to make friends with other guys and that's proved to be a somewhat difficult task for me. I keep going to church and trying to be more active there, but I know I can't be open with my preacher. I want to feel and be like straight guys, but every time I see a good looking guy and become aroused I'm reminded that I'm not. And that list of examples could go on and on as well.
It's hard for me to not look back. I know God wants me to let the past be what it was and to lay it aside and focus on the future instead, but sometimes that just seems so hard to do. I try to do that and then when new hurts arise and remind me of the past, I feel like God is breaking His promises. I feel it harder to trust Him when those new hurts come up. And then I feel alone. I'll admit I do have a bit of an independent streak. I like having those freedoms to not be tied down and to come and go as I wish. And I can embrace those feelings at times to the point where not even God can be let in. I push Him out. I feel hurt and betrayed and so I distance myself and take on a go-it-alone attitude. The last two or three years that's been one of the hardest things I've struggled with to keep myself from doing. I know life is going to have its ups and downs. There'll be good and bad. There'll be more hurts in the future. There's no escaping it. That's sadly the sort of world we live in. The important thing to remember is to always hold onto God whether times are good or bad. I have a tendency to forget that. And I have a tendency to forget my own responsibility in some of those bad times or hurts. I know that homosexual activity isn't good for me. It's never brought anything good into my life. But I continue to pursue it anyway. How crazy is that! When will I learn my lesson?
Maybe I should correct that last little bit somewhat. Because I've had homosexual feelings, I've been able to meet several wonderful and caring people. Some of you are those people. And I realize that if it wasn't for homosexuality, I'd probably have never met or known any of you. So, I suppose that's one good thing. Because of these struggles I've learned to be a little less judgmental of others. I've learned compassion and mercy and love for others. I want others to be treated by me the way I wish I'd have been treated more often by others. But really, that has nothing to do with homosexuality. That's what God has done for me. Without God I'd be a miserable, awful wretch of a person. I'd have no friends at all. I'd have nothing and be nothing and I'd be sinning nonstop. But with God, He helps me be a little less wretched and has certainly blessed me with more than I should ever deserve. Through my struggles, God has connected me with other people and worked through me to make me a better person. It's through His leading me that that's happened. I just need to let him lead me more. I have to trust Him and hold onto Him with everything I've got. He never lets go of me, so I should never let go of Him. I have to keep hoping.
Thanks everyone for your prayers. They've meant a lot. And in the future, please don't ever restrain speaking the truth to me.