Do I have a
good life?
Let me
think on that for a moment…
I have a
roof over my head. I have more clothes
than I really need. I daily have
something to eat and drink. I have
friends and family who love and care about me.
I get to work with children who each day do something joyful and
uplifting. I have two nephews that I
absolutely love spending time with. I
usually can find some time during the day for my talents and interests. I’ve been able to travel many different places. I have good memories that often flood my mind.
Overall,
yes, I would say that I have a good life.
So why have
I felt down so much of the time lately?
To begin
with, I get tired of being patient. I
have dreams and goals that I am constantly working on and, after awhile, I can
get tired of what seems to be a lack of progress toward achieving those things. Especially on those which have taken years at
this point. For instance, four years ago
I decided to go back to school to become a teacher. I only needed two and half years to graduate,
so the last year and a half I’ve been looking for someplace to hire me. It is a wait that was far from expected when
I went back to school. In the meantime,
I have been substitute teaching, worrying that every little move I make will be
looked at badly somehow by the very people who could potentially hire me. Little to say, this has been stressful.
I have also
been coping with the loss of my grandma.
Everything in the last few months has been a first without her—the first
Christmas, New Years, falling snow, Easter, spring, summer. It is hard experiencing so many things
without her when she was such a huge part of those things before. She lived right across the road from us, and
so every time I look out front of the house it has been difficult. We’ve been to her house many times as well to
take out her belongings. I keep
expecting her to show up any minute to look out the door and wave hello or
goodbye to us. I keep expecting to see
her go to the mailbox, or walk her dog in the yard, or come across the road to
do a little gardening. When we’re in her
house, I keep expecting to see her come around each corner or to say something
from the next room. And I’m reminded of
all those many times I saw and heard her do those things. I miss my grandma terribly. And I keep wondering if she knew what was
happening at the end. How much pain was
she in? Did she know it was going to be
the end of her life? Did she have hope? What was going through her mind? Was there anything she still needed or wanted
to tell us before she went? Is she in
Heaven? What if Heaven really doesn’t
exist and everything she was is now gone forever?
I’d give
everything and then some to have her back.
And then I’ve
struggled with some of my religious beliefs lately. I really don’t think I believe it’s wrong for
people to be in homosexual relationships anymore. My mind isn’t completely made up on the matter,
but the more I look at it, the more I’m convinced that the arguments against
homosexuality are severely loosely based.
When you put everything together, it all just comes across so much more
like a series of misunderstandings and prejudice than anything else. Why would God mind if I fell in love with
another man, chose to live with him the rest of my life, to share everything of
my life with him, including my sexuality?
What is so wrong with that?
You know, I
hear people so much of the time try to devalue homosexual relationships. I think that’s wrong. If they’re sinful, then they’re sinful. That’s all, and that’s all that should be
said if that’s true. But to say that no
two men can love each other like that, that no two men could have a healthy
life together, that no two men could actually produce something together
through sexual means (to achieve a stronger bond, level of affection, love, and
commitment for each other), I think it’s all just shameful. Do we say that all heterosexual relationships
are wrong because of prostitution, drug use, open marriages, premarital sex, or
divorce? No. We say that each of those things individually
is bad, but we never use those things as reasons to devalue and demoralize all
of a particular type of relationship.
So, why do so many do that when it concerns homosexual relationships? Not all homosexuals are just out for sex
alone. Believe it or not, some of us
actually do want A RELATIONSHIP. Sex
would only be a part of such a thing, but not the entirety of it.
I’m just tired
of feeling different all the time. I want
to be able to do what everyone else does.
I don’t want to hide who I am, or be afraid of people knowing me. I want to go on dates and be romantic every
once in a while. It’d be nice to have a
steady boyfriend even. I’m just so sick
of the course I’ve been on. I don’t want
to do it anymore. I’m so physically,
emotionally, and even spiritually exhausted from it.
I’m
gay. I didn’t ask to be, I’ve never
wanted to be, but I just am. It is
something that encompasses a large part of my personality and how I interpret
and view the world. It’s not something I
can just turn off, like the flick of a switch, or hide, as if I’m some sort of
freak. I’ve tried doing that and it just
doesn’t work. I can’t make it work. And, frankly, I don’t want it to work because
if it did I’d no longer be me.
Isn’t this
what Jesus’ mission was all about though?
We can try and try and try, and fail and fail and fail on our own, and
never make things right. But with Jesus,
He makes it right even when we can’t.
We’re not given an open license to sin, but when we just can’t make a go
of it on our own, God understands.
That’s the whole reason Jesus’ death was so important, so that we could
be offered a means of forgiveness that isn’t dependent upon ourselves, or what
actions we’re able to do, but
dependent upon God and what He is
able and willing to do for us. God knew
we just couldn’t do it on our own. Right
now, I don’t think I can do what I’ve been doing anymore. I can’t keep hiding who I am, pretending I
don’t like what I like, and killing myself little by little in the
process. If God’s going to accept me,
He’s just going to have to accept also that I’m gay. If He wants me to be something different then
He’s going to have to send down some sort of lightning bolt or something,
because nothing I’ve done has worked.
I’m so
angry all the time. Really, if I had to
describe how I’ve felt lately, these are the words I’d use: angry, lonely,
worried, sad, afraid, bitter, confused.
To be honest, this is one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve ever
felt, and it’s lasted about the longest.
I feel very confused. I’m angry
and frustrated that certain things are the way they are. I’m sad at the loss of certain things. I’m worried, scared, and hopeless seeing what
options seem to be presented for my future.
And I’m just so tired.
A few days
ago I asked a friend if he’d want to be my boyfriend. It was the first time in my life I ever asked
someone out like that. Anytime I was
ever with anyone before, it either just happened or they asked me first. This time I did the asking. I wasn’t surprised when he turned me
down. Nor was I surprised by how gentle
and nice he was in doing so. But I was
and am a little disheartened by the rejection.
I’m okay though because I know we’ll still be good friends, and I value
our friendship too much to let something like this ruin it. The possibility of us being together, and the
drive to want to love him in such a way, though, just consumed me to the point
that I had to ask him. I was drawn to
him because of how great his friendship has been to me. I think he is such a great person in my life,
and I honestly can’t think of anyone better to be with. If I were to ever be in a relationship, I
would hope it would be with someone like him, built on such a great level of
friendship, love, and common interests.
And in all
of this and more I’ve just felt so withdrawn from everyone. Some of this has been unwanted, but some of
it, too, has been forced. I just haven’t
felt the strength to be around anyone much.
A friend
wrote to me on my facebook page a few days ago that it really was time for me
to update it. I took his advice and
decided to do so. This began a
conversation between the two of us, and also began two other conversations with
friends I hadn’t talked to for awhile now.
The new status also got a few likes.
What my friend did was humble me out of a state of isolationism, which I’ll
thank him for. It was a blessing.
I’ve been
told by people before that I need to break out of my shell more. I know I guard my privacy more than I
should. And when I’m feeling down I tend
to converge within myself and just totally keep myself in a state of
seclusion. Then I whine around thinking
I don’t have friends or people who want to be around me, when in reality I do.
I know,
overall, I do have a good life. A lot of
things are really good. And I do have a
lot of things to look forward to. But I
know I just really want and need for certain things to be different. I want to work to make things different. And when it comes to relationships, I really
don’t want to care anymore if it happens to be with another man. In all the vastness of everything, I really just
don’t think that it matters. If it does,
then I trust God will lead me to a better understanding of it all. And in whatever I do, I will continue to seek
out His wisdom and guidance.
