Sunday, July 15, 2012
Well, just I feared I’d do, I have, for all intensive purposes, become a hermit. Being out of school for the summer, I have found myself pretty much staying at home every day. I’ve not even ventured to talk or write much to anyone outside of those family members whom I live with. I have a real knack of isolating myself in such a fashion. In the past, I’d have called this a sad time. Maybe it has been, but it has been one of want and, to a certain extent, necessity. And, throughout it, I really don’t know that I can say I’ve felt that sad.
When the school year ended though, I found myself experiencing a very real emotional turmoil. To my knowledge, this is the first that I’ve mentioned this, other than to a couple of close family members. I was under so much stress subbing those last few weeks of school, and then worrying about finding a job teaching this next school year, and wanting a boyfriend but not knowing if it was okay or not, and not wanting to live at home anymore, and trying to get over my grandma’s death, and even questioning some aspects of my faith. That last day of school, I found out I’d been overlooked for two teaching positions for this next school year, and it happened in a way that was (to make a long story short and from getting into any great detail) very dirty. Most teachers at the school seemed to have wanted me, but the principal had his own picks. That’s fine, but the way it happened infuriated and frustrated me to the point of near incomprehension and rational thought. It was just the last straw on top of a series of really awful things that had happened in the last several months before it.
My response has been to just simply get the hell away from everyone and everything. Be this right or wrong (I’ll admit it has probably been a wrong response), I think it has done me some good. It has allowed me to calm down a bit and to have more time for doing things I really enjoy. It has just helped me to think a bit more clearly. But I know it has also kept me from staying in touch with some friends, and I want to apologize for this. In all honesty, I haven’t known what to say or write, or just how to be around any of you. I guess it’s just that it takes me some time to figure certain things out and get back on some sort of a right track in life. Being around people usually just seems to get in the way somehow. It’s just always been hard for me at times to be around others.
And so I have become a hermit. I would, however, like to change this, and I feel that it is time to make such a change. Therefore, I’ll be working on it. Again, I apologize for any lack of care, interest, concern, or want in any of my friendships that I’ve conveyed. None of that was my intention; just a consequence. I truly am sorry for that.