The Affect of Dreams

I’m not usually the sort of person who lets his nightly dreams bother him much, but every once in a while there is a dream so vivid, so realistic, and so profound that it just weighs on me and can cause me to adjust my behaviors or attitudes. Last night, I had one of those dreams. To put it more accurately, I had a nightmare.

It started off with my brother and me on a trip, driving through the country and into some small town in the hills. We got lost and ended up on a little road leading out into some woods. We found that the road dead-ended in a circle leading back out. There was another family parked just ahead. As we got out of the car to stretch our legs and look at the map, a couple of men came out of the woods and began harassing the other family. My brother and I approached to see if we could help. That’s when some guns were shown and all of us were marched off. The dream got a bit blurry at this point and began again with me at a younger age (maybe twelve or thirteen), as well as the rest of my family, being held up by gunpoint by a few other men and at least one woman in the home we used to live in. We were all in the living room, and mom suggested I go to the laundry room to get my clean clothes out (she suggested this with gestures insinuating that would be my opportunity to slip out of the house and get away for help). So, I went off to the laundry room. One of the men followed me though. He stopped outside of the room and I went in, quickly thinking about how to get away. After a minute or so, the man walked in behind me and closed the door. I was nervous and panicked about what he wanted. He looked me over and began telling me how attractive he thought I was. He wore an arrogant smile as he looked at me. He then turned me toward the washer and dryer and began pulling at my clothes. I protested in a quiet, scared, nervousness—which basically means I felt powerless to put up much of a fight. At this time, my dad was in the other room trying to get in to find out what was happening. I was ashamed for him to see and yelled for him to stay away. But it wasn’t just that I was ashamed. I didn’t want him to interrupt the attention I was getting from this good looking guy. The man then began raping me. I didn’t want him to, but at the same time I was enjoying it and didn’t really want him to stop either. When he’d finished, he turned me around. A woman friend of his was standing next to him. They were both smiling at me and talking curiously about me to each other. The man then told me to get down on my knees (for what purpose you should know). As I did, I saw his genitals for the first time. I stopped and just looked. He was covered with bumps. He laughed and told me, “Don’t you like what you see?” I felt disgusted and horrified, but also confused. I looked up at him and he told me he had herpes, and that he’d just given it to me. At this point I felt horrified. I just looked up at him and asked, “You gave me herpes on purpose?” He just laughed again, along with the woman, and they began talking about how stupid I was. I just sat there on the floor, on my knees, totally appalled, feeling completely assaulted and taken advantage of, crying. And then the dream ended. I woke up, at 4:00am, scared and panicky in my dark room. I was literally shaking. I got up and turned on the light in my closet (it was nearest) and I just stood there for a moment trying to catch my breath and realize that it was only a dream. It was, in every sense, a nightmare though. It was just so real.

I tell you this dream, and in full, because, as I said at the start, some dreams do have an impact on me. This was one of them. I know why I had this dream. The last few days I’ve been trying very hard not to masturbate. I’m on day five now, which I hope to continue, and which I will give full credit to God. But as if the lack of sexual release over the last few days wasn’t enough to promote such a dream, it was only advanced by the fact that I binged for a couple of hours yesterday looking at pornography. I tried to resist, but my resolve and willingness was admittedly not enough—I was feeling kind of down about it being Valentine’s Day and just honestly didn’t feel much like trying. Like yesterday, today, I wasn’t called in to work, and so I prayed and promised to God that with his help I’d make today what yesterday should have been. So far, I’ve kept that promise and I intend to keep it the whole day through and hopefully beyond just this day. I told you the dream I had because it was in having this dream that helped push me closer to God, to try harder for him, to seek out his guidance more, and to rely more on his help. This sort of thing happens every once and a while. And maybe God allowed such a dream to take root knowing that it would have such an impact on me. Regardless of the how and why of the dream, I know that I do not want to look at pornography at all today. I want to put forward the strongest resistance possible. And, likewise, I want to continue resisting any urges to masturbate.

Even though I’m sure none of us really ever like having a bad dream, I suppose a story like mine can prove that some good can come of them. God can reach us for His and our benefit in a variety (and sometimes even very unpleasant) of ways.

Free as a Bird

I've often thought that if I could be any animal in the world, I'd probably want to be a bird. I like the thought of being able to fly over land and see everything happening down below. I also think it'd be neat to live in trees. Though, I admit, the thought of eating worms and such is somewhat of a turnoff; I imagine I'd be a vegetarian sort of bird instead. But I do like the thought of how unconfined a bird can be--that he can travel for miles on end in a single day, with little restriction, free to come and go as he pleases.

What got me to thinking upon this is that my brother was getting me to listen to a few new songs he'd found on Youtube--none of which I found particularly endearing. When he'd left, I found myself looking up some old reliable songs I hadn't heard for awhile. One of the songs I drifted upon was a real favorite, Free as a Bird, which I will always insist is the last true final song by the Beatles. Anyway, watching the video for that song made me think about how neat it would be to have the perspective of a bird. I thought I'd share that with you now. I hope you enjoy! :)

It's An Election Year!!!

Being the happy little Republican I am, I am very excited that 2012 is an election year. And, being an outspoken follower of politics, I am happy to finally have people listening to me again when I speak on political issues. :)

As of now, the Republican party is still in the beginning stages of choosing a candidate to run against Barack Obama. The media and elites of the party seem to be favoring Mitt Romney at the current time. However, I personally am no fan of Governor Romney. His record is mostly liberal (moderate at best), and he has flip flopped on every position he's ever taken (you can find evidence of this without much effort). I remember in 2008 his promises to bring about what Barack Obama eventually did do: Romneycare at the national level. He was all for it until it became unpopular. He claimed in '94 to be more socially liberal than Ted Kennedy. As governor he appointed liberal judges and stood up for liberal laws being implemented in the state. He also supported raising taxes. And if all that isn't enough to dislike him, his business ventures included buying and dismantling companies in order to make a profit. Not that I'm against capitalism, but just the sort of capitalism that screws people out of their jobs while the CEOs who do it make huge profits only for themselves.

The candidate I do like is Newt Gingrich. His record surpasses any of the other candidates by far, and his ideas/solutions to help people find work, to reform the tax code and social security, to improve education by giving control back to the states, and to get America energy independant are much more in line with the type of conservatism and common sense policies that I am looking for. And, as for the baggage against him--that whole claim--all of these candidates have baggage of some sort. I'm willing to forgive (to do the Christian thing) and look much more at policy. With all of that in mind, Gingrich is the guy I will be supporting this time around.

Just take a look at the videos below and tell me Gingrich isn't the best. :)

Davey Wavey Comes Out with a Great Way to Come Out to Your Parents

Davey Wavey from Youtube never fails to amaze me. This video of his is such a truly wonderful resource for anyone struggling to find a way to come out to their parents. It would have been so much easier for me had I known of or been able to use something like this back when I came out to my parents.

Thank God for the age of the internet and for Davey having the care and compassion to make something like this.

A Light in a Very Dark Place

Hello, everyone. I hope you had a good Christmas. I can’t say it was the best of Christmases, but it probably wasn’t the worst either. It was different though. To be honest, I did feel depressed throughout most of the holiday. I’ve been fairly depressed for the whole last month now. The reason is that my grandma passed away the day after Thanksgiving, and I’ve been missing her terribly.

Every day I have some memory or thought of her pop into my mind. I find myself wishing I could talk to her one last time, or have one last cup of coffee with her, or spend one last family get-together with her, or take one last drive out in the country, or play one last game of rook, or be a kid again to spend the night with her one last time, or even just to hear her voice and see her smile again. I just wish she was still here so badly that it’s killing me inside.

So, that’s sort of where I’m at right now. I’m not doing too well. But I am trying to pull through and remember that death is not the end of one’s life, and that God still has plans to give me hope and a future. In the meantime, please pray for me and my family. I think we could all use a little extra praying for right now, and would great appreciate that.

Again, I hope all of you had a good Christmas. And in case I don’t get time to write again before the New Year, that you each have a good start to the New Year as well.

60 Minutes Looks for a Clue

I found this to be a really interesting video. I especially thought the whole notion of hormones at birth was intriguing. I've often wondered, as a gay man, whether or not being gay was due to some hormonal issues. I didn't see any proof in this video that that is indeed what causes homosexuality, but it does lend a person to wonder about it.

Remains of the Day

After reading a story about the Air Force dumping the remains of troops in a landfill in Virginia, I can't help but have no wonder at all as to why our country is falling apart. People just do not care and have no respect whatsoever for their fellow man anymore. Really, it is pathetic. These troops deserved so much better.