Single Gay Male -- Take Your Pick

Regardless of what people think and however we all actually are, surely we can have a bit of fun in the stereotypes every once in a while. I remember seeing this a few months ago and thinking about how funny and yet true it is (for the most part).

I have no real interest in going to the clubs, but I know several friends who certainly think that is where “the gays” spend most of their time, always partying and looking for the next hook up. My mom seems to think that my being gay has more to do with my love for design and certain other stereotypical gay interests than in actually and honestly wanting to be in a relationship with another man. My dad, although I’m sure he’d never admit it, probably does think of gays in terms of bondage and submission—of course, no man could ever really want to be gay unless forced to be (a little bit of what dad thinks really wouldn’t be so bad right now, come to think of it). Society views gays in images depicted most commonly from the pride parades, as I mentioned a few weeks back, which, again, I have no real interest in. I certainly would love to think of myself as very clean cut, polished, and sophisticated; though I know more often than not I am really just a slob who’d rather spend most nights at home watching TV with a drink in hand and a bowl of chips in his lap.

So, which picture would you say most accurately describes you?  :)

The Hermit

Well, just I feared I’d do, I have, for all intensive purposes, become a hermit. Being out of school for the summer, I have found myself pretty much staying at home every day. I’ve not even ventured to talk or write much to anyone outside of those family members whom I live with. I have a real knack of isolating myself in such a fashion. In the past, I’d have called this a sad time.  Maybe it has been, but it has been one of want and, to a certain extent, necessity. And, throughout it, I really don’t know that I can say I’ve felt that sad.

When the school year ended though, I found myself experiencing a very real emotional turmoil. To my knowledge, this is the first that I’ve mentioned this, other than to a couple of close family members. I was under so much stress subbing those last few weeks of school, and then worrying about finding a job teaching this next school year, and wanting a boyfriend but not knowing if it was okay or not, and not wanting to live at home anymore, and trying to get over my grandma’s death, and even questioning some aspects of my faith. That last day of school, I found out I’d been overlooked for two teaching positions for this next school year, and it happened in a way that was (to make a long story short and from getting into any great detail) very dirty. Most teachers at the school seemed to have wanted me, but the principal had his own picks. That’s fine, but the way it happened infuriated and frustrated me to the point of near incomprehension and rational thought. It was just the last straw on top of a series of really awful things that had happened in the last several months before it.

My response has been to just simply get the hell away from everyone and everything. Be this right or wrong (I’ll admit it has probably been a wrong response), I think it has done me some good. It has allowed me to calm down a bit and to have more time for doing things I really enjoy. It has just helped me to think a bit more clearly. But I know it has also kept me from staying in touch with some friends, and I want to apologize for this. In all honesty, I haven’t known what to say or write, or just how to be around any of you. I guess it’s just that it takes me some time to figure certain things out and get back on some sort of a right track in life. Being around people usually just seems to get in the way somehow. It’s just always been hard for me at times to be around others.

And so I have become a hermit. I would, however, like to change this, and I feel that it is time to make such a change. Therefore, I’ll be working on it. Again, I apologize for any lack of care, interest, concern, or want in any of my friendships that I’ve conveyed. None of that was my intention; just a consequence.  I truly am sorry for that.

Anderson's Gay

As most of you probably know by now, Anderson Cooper, host of CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, recently admitted to being gay.  His sexuality has been a subject of question for many years now.  I’m sure that this had nothing to do with images of him giggling like a little school girl at times or having every drag queen’s favorite role model, Kathy Griffin, as a regular New Year’s Eve co-host with him.  At least, these are the two things that made me wonder about him at times.

Frankly, I really couldn’t have cared less if he was gay or straight.  I’ve watched his program on and off for a long time, and it was never his sexuality that attracted me to his show; it was just a decent news show.

I’m glad Anderson was never publicly outed, but instead came out in his own timing and own way.  And this is how I think it should be.  Even if people have their suspicions, I think it is ill-advised, unless the relationship is a very close one, for them to ever ask about the sexuality of another or to try to push the person to come out if they are gay, and especially to ever out them against their wishes.

I remember going through school always being scared to death of other people finding out I was gay.  For a long time, even though others thought I was, I really wasn’t even sure myself.  I always hated when others asked me if I was gay, or whenever they’d insinuate it, and certainly whenever they’d talk about me (usually so that I’d hear them) in a way to convince others that I was gay.  Dancing around these constant things was a bit tiresome at times, and I hated the people who did this to me.  I just wanted to be left alone.

Most teens trying to figure out their sexuality just need space to figure themselves out.  They don’t need people pushing them, calling them names, making accusations, or talking about them.  Neither do adults who are still trying to figure themselves out.  And even if they have figured themselves out, they still don’t need this.  A lot of gay people don’t want to be out to everyone.  I’m in my late twenties now, and this is still something that I don’t want.  I just don’t feel like it’s everybody’s business.  Now, this isn’t to say that at times I haven’t wished or thought that it might be better to be out to everyone.  But it is, and should only be, my decision to make (whether or not I’m going to be out or not, and to whom).  This is how it should be with everyone going through such things.

I was not surprised to find out that Anderson Cooper is gay.  But I will say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the number of people who seem not to care.  Here is one of media news’s biggest stars coming out, and yet everybody hasn’t freaked out about it.  Go back just a few years and I remember how everybody freaked out when Ellen Degeneres came out.  But this has been different, and I have to say that I think it is a good sign.  My hope is that in the future, people won’t mind if a person is gay or straight.  This isn’t to suggest that I think they shouldn’t think or feel certain ways about it, but that whether or not a person is gay will just no longer matter so much to people; that it will just be what it is and nothing more, like finding out a blond is a natural brunette, or a person who looks thirty is actually in his or her fifties.  Whether or not this will happen, who can say, but this is my hope.

Just Not that into It

For many years now, June has been known as Gay Pride Month.  For the last forty years or so, LGBT individuals and supporters have hosted gay pride parades in cities all across the country.

I am not opposed to these parades in principle, but I have to admit that I’m just not that into them.  I do think it is important for LGBT individuals to stand up for themselves, but I am not so sure that the parades, as they are, have been the best way of doing this.

Shock value certainly does have a means of opening up people’s eyes and making them more familiar and accepting to things.  I suppose this, in part, is why in any footage of gay pride parades I’ve ever seen, there have been a whole lot of glittered, costumed, and/or near naked men dancing about showing off their stuff.  The more people see things like that, in theory, the more accepting they are of it and the things less explicit than that.

Now, I like seeing a naked man just as much as the next gay guy, but something about what I see in the parades usually just completely turns me off.  Ten very well built, tanned, almost naked, twenty something year olds dancing about on a float?  Yeah, in theory, I would think that would be a turn on.  But I never feel that way when I see these parades.  I feel shock (perhaps also mixed with a little bit of disappointment).  When I feel that way, being gay, I certainly understand why so many straight people are turned off as well.  Sexuality, whether in regards to homosexual or heterosexual relations, is something that I think the majority of people still traditionally feel should be kept in the bedroom, and not on the streets.  I feel that way.  If a straight parade were held in town, with floats carrying a bunch of near naked men and women grinding up on each other holding up signs with babies on them, I’d feel just as uncomfortable with that, and so would most straight people.

I understand why pride parades are held.  Believe me, I do.  And I think they should continue.  But I wish some of the more sexually explicit content of the parades would be left out.  I honestly think acceptance would be offered much more readily if instead of heterosexuals seeing a bunch of homosexuals carrying on explicitly in the street, they could see homosexuals acting a bit more… well, for the lack of a better word, normal.

As a gay man, I don’t think I look any different than most straight men.  Most LGBT people I’ve known don’t look any different than straight men or women, and a lot of us don’t act that much different either.  But the parades give off an impression that we do.  I’m not saying there aren’t differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals, but just that they aren’t as obvious most of the time as what is presented in the parades.  And so, when I see the parades, I see something that doesn’t come across entirely as truth.  I see an exaggeration to prove a point.  And whereas I’m sure that point has been proven to some large degree, the exaggeration does just go to reinforce so many people’s ideas that we are different; more than we (at least the overwhelming majority) actually are.

I’d like to see a parade with no bare skin.  Let gay couples walk hand in hand.  Let their families walk with them.  Let there be a showing of support, pride, acceptance, and love from groups and organizations and the like, but do it without presenting an image that just goes to reinforce those negative stereotypes that keep us in the LGBT community from truly achieving the lasting sort of acceptance and tolerance we seek.

The best argument LGBT individuals have been able to make in their fight for acceptance has been to prove that we are not that different.  So, why would we make such a grandiose statement suggesting otherwise?

Maybe I just don’t get it.  There again, maybe it does just all come back to the shock value.  After all, if people are used to seeing the sort of “shocking” things that go on in the parades, the less shocked they might become to seeing things like two men holding hands, or two women giving each other a kiss.  I suppose if the parades (as they have been) can achieve this, then there is some good in them being that way.

Maybe I just wish there was another way.

The Significance of Stars

Around midnight, I went outside just to sort of chill out for a minute on the back porch.  I leaned on the railing and looked out at the field behind our house, and then up to the stars in the sky.  There wasn't a cloud in sight.  I just kept looking, trying to find Orion's Belt and the Dippers.

After a few minutes, I felt a sort of peaceful awe come over me.  I started thinking about how many stars there are, how bright some are and how dim others are, and wondering just how many of those stars might have planets and other worlds circling round them.  I found my mind full of all kinds of imaginative thoughts.  And I thought about how great and wonderful God is to have created so much beauty.  Here we are, so small and insignificant in so many ways, and yet out of all His creation, God loves us most.  If that's not a comfort, I don't know what is.

When my grandma died, I inherited a lot of her things.  Some of these things are old and worth some money.  Some are things that hold some sentimental value.  I'm glad I've been able to get these things, but I know that my grandma was worth more to me than any of it.  She was worth more than anything I own, and I would have given anything, including my life, to have helped keep her alive.  I feel that way about most of my family.

I think I understand God a lot better now than I used to.  Yeah, He has everything in existence; it all belongs to Him: the sun, the earth, the stars, the planets... everything.  But out of all of it, we mean the most to Him.  He gave it all up, including His life, for us.  I can't think of anything better than that.  I can't think of any act of love greater than that.  And it makes me so overwhelmed and glad to have a God like that who is a part of my life.  It is a comfort beyond all others.

We mean more than the stars.

Even in Bad, Something Good

I come across stories like this one every once in a while that just makes my soul cringe. In short, a mother gets high, goes into her five week old sons bedroom, and proceeds to cut off his genitals. I can't say this is the most horrific act I've ever heard of, but it is something nevertheless disturbing, to say the least.

I'm glad to say that I've never abused drugs or alcohol. I've never been high and I've never been drunk. I've known people for a long time that have enjoyed and sought out both of those experiences quite frequently, but I honestly fail to see the point. Both damage your health, turn people off, and in some cases causes you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do (like cut off your son's privates).

I've got news for you, if life is bad, drugs and alcohol really won't do anything to improve your situation. They're just a temporary fix that, in time, will usually only lead you to further heartaches.

Holden Gothia looks like a very happy, energetic, young boy. He has parents who love him, take care of him, and siblings who do the same. I was glad to see this in the video. And I pray that as Holden grows older, he will be a source of help and hope for others.

Recently, a very horrific and senseless murder took place in my town. A few years ago, a young girl was caught, drug under, and killed by her mother's car when it went out of gear and began to roll. People have had sudden heart attacks. People have been robbed. People have killed themselves. In all the bad that goes on in the world, it is hard sometimes to remember that there is a purpose, or reason, for everything. God doesn't only use the good in the world to teach us, reveal himself to us, or to help us or others. Sometimes He uses the bad as well.

I try to remember that. Even in bad, good things can happen. Heroes for Holden is an example of that.

A Reasonable Doubt

I don’t know.

That sentence is one I’ve had to say several times in the last year.  There are a lot of things I haven’t had an answer for.  Why did my grandma have to die the way she did?  Why wasn’t I able to get hired when I thought I should?  How much longer am I going to have to wait to get a place of my own?  Is it okay for me to have a boyfriend?

Those are each just a few of the things I’ve asked myself and God many times over.

I almost had my mind made up on that last question, but it’s one that keeps giving me pause.  I don’t think I can do it.  As much as I’d love to have a boyfriend, and as many reasons as I have to think it would be okay for me to, I just can’t put aside two particular reasons to make it alright.  One of those reasons is biology.  I just can’t get my mind around the thought that two men or two women are physically designed for sex with each other—even though sex with another man seems as natural a sort of thing for me to want and to do.  In some regards, I don’t think it matters, but in a few it does (to me at least).  And then there is the fact that for me to have a boyfriend, I’d be going against the authority of the church.  And if I say I think the church is wrong in this regard, then how could it perhaps not also be wrong in many others?  And what sort of witness would I be to others with that sort of mindset?  Not a very good one, I think.  These are the two predominant reasons for why, at least for now, I just really don’t think I can bring myself to change course.  I have a reasonable doubt that just won’t allow me to do that.

With this in mind, I know I need more strength.  The last few months have just been so exhausting and so hard in many different ways.  It’s been tough not just throwing all my beliefs aside.  And it’s been tough knowing what to believe.  But I know, for the time being, I just can’t bring myself to believe that having a boyfriend would be okay.  I can’t make that change in my life.