Making Decisions

Okay, so I've come to a better understanding of things. I am feeling better now, which is good, and I just want to thank everyone who commented and/or prayed for me recently.

I realize I've been holding myself back. I took the job I've got now without even wanting it. I didn't even want to work at the same place again this year. However, I took the job because I was afraid of finding another place to work at. I was used to the operations and people of where I was, and I was comfortable there. I enjoyed the social aspect of it probably the most. Working there has been my biggest outlet for being able to meet and be friends with other guys. I really just didn't want to have to give that up. And I was afraid that I might not like anywhere else any better. I was also prideful. I was asked to accept a promotion with more power and a little more pay and I jumped at the chance. Thing is, I knew I shouldn't have taken the job. I knew last year that I shouldn't go back for another season, but I did it anyway. I did it knowing that that's not what God wanted me to do. And then, after taking the job and finding out just how miserable it was making me, I foolishly decided to stick it out because I didn't want it to got the best of me. I didn't want to be ran off or forced to quit by my boss or anyone else, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle whatever hardships would be thrown my way. Well, I realize that in doing so, I have let the job get the best of me. I set myself up for hardships. I've allowed so much stress, anger, worry, frustration, and self-doubt to come into my life that it's just literally tore me apart. So, my decision is to finish out the next couple of weeks, if I can, and then move on and not ever look back. I won't accept that job ever again. And although I'd rather be laid off already, another couple of weeks I'm sure I can handle. I'm going to be positive about that. Rather than thinking oh man, not two more weeks, I'm going to think thank God, in two more weeks things will be better. I'm going to be hopeful rather than hopeless.

As for church, I kind of liked Rik Fleming's advice that he gave me in his comment to my last post. He talked about trying to give more to the others at my church and seeing where that would lead me. I think that's what I'll do. I know one thing that's hurt me there is that I don't speak out often enough. If I have questions or problems with certain things said, or if I don't understand something, like during Sunday school lessons or such, I usually just keep quiet. Well, I know I shouldn't keep quiet. I also know that I need to sit down and talk things out with my preacher. I've kept quiet concerning him as well for far too long. Long enough that I've started resenting him and being angry with him. Both of which I know I shouldn't be. I don't think he's meant to treat me bad, just that he hasn't known how to treat me. He doesn't know how to handle the fact that I'm attracted to other men. I can tell that I'm probably only the first or second person to ever confront him about homosexuality like this. I know that he doesn't understand a lot of things, and I know that from the way he's talked to me, he sees homosexuals mostly from the stereotypical point of view. He's only known the sort of homosexual the media most often promotes (the militant, liberal, promiscuous, drag-queen). So, he doesn't know how to help me or how to relate to me because of that. He thinks I'm something that I'm not. And really, I don't think that's entirely his fault. He's only seen a limited view of homosexuality. And I haven't explained myself well enough, I know. Of the three times we talked about this, I was mostly too afraid to do much talking. I was too nervous to really speak up as I should have. That alone has caused me frustration with myself. So, altogether, I know I need to just be myself more, speak up, and hope for the best.

I don't know that I'll continue going to church where I have. There's a lot that I do like about my church, but there's just a lot I have some conflict with too. Maybe I'll try out a few different churches I've never been to before and see if any of them stick. Whatever I do, I know I need to put my trust more in the Lord. And that goes for all things. All those worries and the stress and frustrations and anger, I need to take all that to God. I haven't been doing that like I should. And I know I need to keep my focus more on what God thinks of me than what others think of me. I shouldn't let what others think tear me down.

I really do want to thank everyone again who commented on my last two posts. Your encouragement, advice, and prayers surely have lifted my spirit and helped. I don't care what anyone else says, it's good to have "online" friends. Thanks a bunch to all of you.

Oh, and Happy Halloween to everyone!