Just Not that into It

For many years now, June has been known as Gay Pride Month.  For the last forty years or so, LGBT individuals and supporters have hosted gay pride parades in cities all across the country.

I am not opposed to these parades in principle, but I have to admit that I’m just not that into them.  I do think it is important for LGBT individuals to stand up for themselves, but I am not so sure that the parades, as they are, have been the best way of doing this.

Shock value certainly does have a means of opening up people’s eyes and making them more familiar and accepting to things.  I suppose this, in part, is why in any footage of gay pride parades I’ve ever seen, there have been a whole lot of glittered, costumed, and/or near naked men dancing about showing off their stuff.  The more people see things like that, in theory, the more accepting they are of it and the things less explicit than that.

Now, I like seeing a naked man just as much as the next gay guy, but something about what I see in the parades usually just completely turns me off.  Ten very well built, tanned, almost naked, twenty something year olds dancing about on a float?  Yeah, in theory, I would think that would be a turn on.  But I never feel that way when I see these parades.  I feel shock (perhaps also mixed with a little bit of disappointment).  When I feel that way, being gay, I certainly understand why so many straight people are turned off as well.  Sexuality, whether in regards to homosexual or heterosexual relations, is something that I think the majority of people still traditionally feel should be kept in the bedroom, and not on the streets.  I feel that way.  If a straight parade were held in town, with floats carrying a bunch of near naked men and women grinding up on each other holding up signs with babies on them, I’d feel just as uncomfortable with that, and so would most straight people.

I understand why pride parades are held.  Believe me, I do.  And I think they should continue.  But I wish some of the more sexually explicit content of the parades would be left out.  I honestly think acceptance would be offered much more readily if instead of heterosexuals seeing a bunch of homosexuals carrying on explicitly in the street, they could see homosexuals acting a bit more… well, for the lack of a better word, normal.

As a gay man, I don’t think I look any different than most straight men.  Most LGBT people I’ve known don’t look any different than straight men or women, and a lot of us don’t act that much different either.  But the parades give off an impression that we do.  I’m not saying there aren’t differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals, but just that they aren’t as obvious most of the time as what is presented in the parades.  And so, when I see the parades, I see something that doesn’t come across entirely as truth.  I see an exaggeration to prove a point.  And whereas I’m sure that point has been proven to some large degree, the exaggeration does just go to reinforce so many people’s ideas that we are different; more than we (at least the overwhelming majority) actually are.

I’d like to see a parade with no bare skin.  Let gay couples walk hand in hand.  Let their families walk with them.  Let there be a showing of support, pride, acceptance, and love from groups and organizations and the like, but do it without presenting an image that just goes to reinforce those negative stereotypes that keep us in the LGBT community from truly achieving the lasting sort of acceptance and tolerance we seek.

The best argument LGBT individuals have been able to make in their fight for acceptance has been to prove that we are not that different.  So, why would we make such a grandiose statement suggesting otherwise?

Maybe I just don’t get it.  There again, maybe it does just all come back to the shock value.  After all, if people are used to seeing the sort of “shocking” things that go on in the parades, the less shocked they might become to seeing things like two men holding hands, or two women giving each other a kiss.  I suppose if the parades (as they have been) can achieve this, then there is some good in them being that way.

Maybe I just wish there was another way.

The Significance of Stars

Around midnight, I went outside just to sort of chill out for a minute on the back porch.  I leaned on the railing and looked out at the field behind our house, and then up to the stars in the sky.  There wasn't a cloud in sight.  I just kept looking, trying to find Orion's Belt and the Dippers.

After a few minutes, I felt a sort of peaceful awe come over me.  I started thinking about how many stars there are, how bright some are and how dim others are, and wondering just how many of those stars might have planets and other worlds circling round them.  I found my mind full of all kinds of imaginative thoughts.  And I thought about how great and wonderful God is to have created so much beauty.  Here we are, so small and insignificant in so many ways, and yet out of all His creation, God loves us most.  If that's not a comfort, I don't know what is.

When my grandma died, I inherited a lot of her things.  Some of these things are old and worth some money.  Some are things that hold some sentimental value.  I'm glad I've been able to get these things, but I know that my grandma was worth more to me than any of it.  She was worth more than anything I own, and I would have given anything, including my life, to have helped keep her alive.  I feel that way about most of my family.

I think I understand God a lot better now than I used to.  Yeah, He has everything in existence; it all belongs to Him: the sun, the earth, the stars, the planets... everything.  But out of all of it, we mean the most to Him.  He gave it all up, including His life, for us.  I can't think of anything better than that.  I can't think of any act of love greater than that.  And it makes me so overwhelmed and glad to have a God like that who is a part of my life.  It is a comfort beyond all others.

We mean more than the stars.

Even in Bad, Something Good

I come across stories like this one every once in a while that just makes my soul cringe. In short, a mother gets high, goes into her five week old sons bedroom, and proceeds to cut off his genitals. I can't say this is the most horrific act I've ever heard of, but it is something nevertheless disturbing, to say the least.

I'm glad to say that I've never abused drugs or alcohol. I've never been high and I've never been drunk. I've known people for a long time that have enjoyed and sought out both of those experiences quite frequently, but I honestly fail to see the point. Both damage your health, turn people off, and in some cases causes you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do (like cut off your son's privates).

I've got news for you, if life is bad, drugs and alcohol really won't do anything to improve your situation. They're just a temporary fix that, in time, will usually only lead you to further heartaches.

Holden Gothia looks like a very happy, energetic, young boy. He has parents who love him, take care of him, and siblings who do the same. I was glad to see this in the video. And I pray that as Holden grows older, he will be a source of help and hope for others.

Recently, a very horrific and senseless murder took place in my town. A few years ago, a young girl was caught, drug under, and killed by her mother's car when it went out of gear and began to roll. People have had sudden heart attacks. People have been robbed. People have killed themselves. In all the bad that goes on in the world, it is hard sometimes to remember that there is a purpose, or reason, for everything. God doesn't only use the good in the world to teach us, reveal himself to us, or to help us or others. Sometimes He uses the bad as well.

I try to remember that. Even in bad, good things can happen. Heroes for Holden is an example of that.

A Reasonable Doubt

I don’t know.

That sentence is one I’ve had to say several times in the last year.  There are a lot of things I haven’t had an answer for.  Why did my grandma have to die the way she did?  Why wasn’t I able to get hired when I thought I should?  How much longer am I going to have to wait to get a place of my own?  Is it okay for me to have a boyfriend?

Those are each just a few of the things I’ve asked myself and God many times over.

I almost had my mind made up on that last question, but it’s one that keeps giving me pause.  I don’t think I can do it.  As much as I’d love to have a boyfriend, and as many reasons as I have to think it would be okay for me to, I just can’t put aside two particular reasons to make it alright.  One of those reasons is biology.  I just can’t get my mind around the thought that two men or two women are physically designed for sex with each other—even though sex with another man seems as natural a sort of thing for me to want and to do.  In some regards, I don’t think it matters, but in a few it does (to me at least).  And then there is the fact that for me to have a boyfriend, I’d be going against the authority of the church.  And if I say I think the church is wrong in this regard, then how could it perhaps not also be wrong in many others?  And what sort of witness would I be to others with that sort of mindset?  Not a very good one, I think.  These are the two predominant reasons for why, at least for now, I just really don’t think I can bring myself to change course.  I have a reasonable doubt that just won’t allow me to do that.

With this in mind, I know I need more strength.  The last few months have just been so exhausting and so hard in many different ways.  It’s been tough not just throwing all my beliefs aside.  And it’s been tough knowing what to believe.  But I know, for the time being, I just can’t bring myself to believe that having a boyfriend would be okay.  I can’t make that change in my life.

An Expression of Love

How can anyone watch this video and not see a true expression of love between these two men?  And whether it was sinful or wrong, it was/is BEAUTIFUL.  I see what this couple had and I can't escape feeling that it was right, just, and good.  It was two people coming together out of love for each other.  What is so wrong about that?

I watched this, seeing their love made so evident, and seeing the sort of crap they had to endure, and I thought the whole time through, that if Jesus was here in body he would have helped, comforted, and loved them.  He wouldn't have loaded up the shot gun, pushed them away, determined himself to make their lives more difficult, or denied them of anything.  He would have welcomed them to Him with arms wide open, and loved them for who they are.

Why can't we?

Going along with this years apparent theme for my blog, I just don't understand.  When I watch something like this, all traditional Christian teachings regarding homosexuality just lose all credibility with me.  It doesn't make sense.

Being Faithful

Hope and faith are two incredibly powerful things.  Both are essential for a positive outlook on life, and both can help lift you out of some of the most dismal situations you could ever experience.

I want to be hopeful.  I want to continue to believe that God has a future in store for me that is worth living.  And I want to be faithful to God as I wait for that life to unfold.

It is hard to do these things sometimes.  Keeping hope when all seems lost is a virtue beyond a great many people.  It’s something I struggle with sometimes.  And being faithful in light of such things can just seem useless.

But if we keep our hope and keep our faith in God, God will always see us through in the end; one way or another.  He is our greatest refuge, our greatest source of strength, our best friend, our best love, and our best ray of hope.

When we feel hopeless and faithless, the best thing we could ever do is to hold onto God with all our might.  We just have to believe.  And if we do that, He WILL see us through whatever hardships we face.

A Good Life

Do I have a good life?

Let me think on that for a moment…

I have a roof over my head.  I have more clothes than I really need.  I daily have something to eat and drink.  I have friends and family who love and care about me.  I get to work with children who each day do something joyful and uplifting.  I have two nephews that I absolutely love spending time with.  I usually can find some time during the day for my talents and interests.  I’ve been able to travel many different places.  I have good memories that often flood my mind.

Overall, yes, I would say that I have a good life.

So why have I felt down so much of the time lately?

To begin with, I get tired of being patient.  I have dreams and goals that I am constantly working on and, after awhile, I can get tired of what seems to be a lack of progress toward achieving those things.  Especially on those which have taken years at this point.  For instance, four years ago I decided to go back to school to become a teacher.  I only needed two and half years to graduate, so the last year and a half I’ve been looking for someplace to hire me.  It is a wait that was far from expected when I went back to school.  In the meantime, I have been substitute teaching, worrying that every little move I make will be looked at badly somehow by the very people who could potentially hire me.  Little to say, this has been stressful.

I have also been coping with the loss of my grandma.  Everything in the last few months has been a first without her—the first Christmas, New Years, falling snow, Easter, spring, summer.  It is hard experiencing so many things without her when she was such a huge part of those things before.  She lived right across the road from us, and so every time I look out front of the house it has been difficult.  We’ve been to her house many times as well to take out her belongings.  I keep expecting her to show up any minute to look out the door and wave hello or goodbye to us.  I keep expecting to see her go to the mailbox, or walk her dog in the yard, or come across the road to do a little gardening.  When we’re in her house, I keep expecting to see her come around each corner or to say something from the next room.  And I’m reminded of all those many times I saw and heard her do those things.  I miss my grandma terribly.  And I keep wondering if she knew what was happening at the end.  How much pain was she in?  Did she know it was going to be the end of her life?  Did she have hope?  What was going through her mind?  Was there anything she still needed or wanted to tell us before she went?  Is she in Heaven?  What if Heaven really doesn’t exist and everything she was is now gone forever?

I’d give everything and then some to have her back.

And then I’ve struggled with some of my religious beliefs lately.  I really don’t think I believe it’s wrong for people to be in homosexual relationships anymore.  My mind isn’t completely made up on the matter, but the more I look at it, the more I’m convinced that the arguments against homosexuality are severely loosely based.  When you put everything together, it all just comes across so much more like a series of misunderstandings and prejudice than anything else.  Why would God mind if I fell in love with another man, chose to live with him the rest of my life, to share everything of my life with him, including my sexuality?  What is so wrong with that?

You know, I hear people so much of the time try to devalue homosexual relationships.  I think that’s wrong.  If they’re sinful, then they’re sinful.  That’s all, and that’s all that should be said if that’s true.  But to say that no two men can love each other like that, that no two men could have a healthy life together, that no two men could actually produce something together through sexual means (to achieve a stronger bond, level of affection, love, and commitment for each other), I think it’s all just shameful.  Do we say that all heterosexual relationships are wrong because of prostitution, drug use, open marriages, premarital sex, or divorce?  No.  We say that each of those things individually is bad, but we never use those things as reasons to devalue and demoralize all of a particular type of relationship.  So, why do so many do that when it concerns homosexual relationships?  Not all homosexuals are just out for sex alone.  Believe it or not, some of us actually do want A RELATIONSHIP.  Sex would only be a part of such a thing, but not the entirety of it.

I’m just tired of feeling different all the time.  I want to be able to do what everyone else does.  I don’t want to hide who I am, or be afraid of people knowing me.  I want to go on dates and be romantic every once in a while.  It’d be nice to have a steady boyfriend even.  I’m just so sick of the course I’ve been on.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m so physically, emotionally, and even spiritually exhausted from it.

I’m gay.  I didn’t ask to be, I’ve never wanted to be, but I just am.  It is something that encompasses a large part of my personality and how I interpret and view the world.  It’s not something I can just turn off, like the flick of a switch, or hide, as if I’m some sort of freak.  I’ve tried doing that and it just doesn’t work.  I can’t make it work.  And, frankly, I don’t want it to work because if it did I’d no longer be me.

Isn’t this what Jesus’ mission was all about though?  We can try and try and try, and fail and fail and fail on our own, and never make things right.  But with Jesus, He makes it right even when we can’t.  We’re not given an open license to sin, but when we just can’t make a go of it on our own, God understands.  That’s the whole reason Jesus’ death was so important, so that we could be offered a means of forgiveness that isn’t dependent upon ourselves, or what actions we’re able to do, but dependent upon God and what He is able and willing to do for us.  God knew we just couldn’t do it on our own.  Right now, I don’t think I can do what I’ve been doing anymore.  I can’t keep hiding who I am, pretending I don’t like what I like, and killing myself little by little in the process.  If God’s going to accept me, He’s just going to have to accept also that I’m gay.  If He wants me to be something different then He’s going to have to send down some sort of lightning bolt or something, because nothing I’ve done has worked.

I’m so angry all the time.  Really, if I had to describe how I’ve felt lately, these are the words I’d use: angry, lonely, worried, sad, afraid, bitter, confused.  To be honest, this is one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve ever felt, and it’s lasted about the longest.  I feel very confused.  I’m angry and frustrated that certain things are the way they are.  I’m sad at the loss of certain things.  I’m worried, scared, and hopeless seeing what options seem to be presented for my future.  And I’m just so tired.

A few days ago I asked a friend if he’d want to be my boyfriend.  It was the first time in my life I ever asked someone out like that.  Anytime I was ever with anyone before, it either just happened or they asked me first.  This time I did the asking.  I wasn’t surprised when he turned me down.  Nor was I surprised by how gentle and nice he was in doing so.  But I was and am a little disheartened by the rejection.  I’m okay though because I know we’ll still be good friends, and I value our friendship too much to let something like this ruin it.  The possibility of us being together, and the drive to want to love him in such a way, though, just consumed me to the point that I had to ask him.  I was drawn to him because of how great his friendship has been to me.  I think he is such a great person in my life, and I honestly can’t think of anyone better to be with.  If I were to ever be in a relationship, I would hope it would be with someone like him, built on such a great level of friendship, love, and common interests.

And in all of this and more I’ve just felt so withdrawn from everyone.  Some of this has been unwanted, but some of it, too, has been forced.  I just haven’t felt the strength to be around anyone much. 

A friend wrote to me on my facebook page a few days ago that it really was time for me to update it.  I took his advice and decided to do so.  This began a conversation between the two of us, and also began two other conversations with friends I hadn’t talked to for awhile now.  The new status also got a few likes.  What my friend did was humble me out of a state of isolationism, which I’ll thank him for.  It was a blessing.

I’ve been told by people before that I need to break out of my shell more.  I know I guard my privacy more than I should.  And when I’m feeling down I tend to converge within myself and just totally keep myself in a state of seclusion.  Then I whine around thinking I don’t have friends or people who want to be around me, when in reality I do.

I know, overall, I do have a good life.  A lot of things are really good.  And I do have a lot of things to look forward to.  But I know I just really want and need for certain things to be different.  I want to work to make things different.  And when it comes to relationships, I really don’t want to care anymore if it happens to be with another man.  In all the vastness of everything, I really just don’t think that it matters.  If it does, then I trust God will lead me to a better understanding of it all.  And in whatever I do, I will continue to seek out His wisdom and guidance.